 "un/finished") |
FERN |
Ooo slang part the second |
|
FERN |
i think we just shared electrons, because i'm feeling a covalent bond between us |
|
LANCE |
Pidge, I need your help. I gotta send a meme to Chloe but ... |
|
DIPPER |
Hey Varian. You know those crazy alchemy bombs you used... |
|
PETER |
Hey Varian, this is Peter. Um, Peter Graham. |
|
USAGI |
Soooooooo~ How'd the date go? |
|
MAKO |
Varianβ Checking in. |
|
SHIRO |
i think one of us put a chicken patty in my toaster |
|
EDDIE |
Hey. We need to talk. |
|
MELIUS |
π»πΎ. πΌ ππππ πΎπ πππππ πππΎππΉ πΆππΉ πΎπ πΎπ πππ ππ½πππ |
|
EDA |
Hey, kid. I... owe you an apology. |
|
LUZ |
Valentines |
|
MAUL |
I have a proposition for a project I think you'll be interested in |
|
USAGI |
I LOVE YOU |
|
FERN |
DUDE you still have your bandana! |
|
BUZZ |
Morning. I heard from Fern you wanted to go out into the blizzard. |
|
FERN |
dude your profile changed |
|
USAGI |
Ruby told me about the breakup. |
|
GLITCH |
Varian, I'm gonna go live somewhere else for now |
|
MAKO |
A "nerd" is somebody smart... |
|
MAUL |
Gifts |
|
FERN |
heeyyyy quick question |
|
FERN |
Christmas is coming up!!! |
|
CHLOE |
god who the FUCK ever thought emojis were a good idea??? |
|
KRISTOFF |
Varian,It's getting colder so I thought you could use this |
|
FERN |
heyyyy Variable |
|
RAPUNZEL |
okay not to put you on the spot but... |
|
EDA |
Potion time |
|
NEO |
Dude, I can mine antidote shit here! |
|
GLITCH |
Got this in my basket. |
|
EDA |
hey smart kid |
|
TEN |
Hallo |
|
ADAM |
Hey, k-- uh, Varian. I just wanted to check in |
|
USAGI |
I'm sorry I worried you and fainted on you yesterday. |
|
AMARA |
i lived, bitch |
|
NEO |
Debatably good news, asshole |
|
USAGI |
Hey Varian! It's Usagi |
|
OSCAR |
I'm sorry, Varian. Tell me what you need |
|
FERN |
a dark past huh |
|
MAUL |
Varian. I am in great need of your assistance |
|
FERN |
Varian VARIAN I CAN EAT FOOD |
|
USAGI |
How much moon essence do you have? |
|
USAGI |
VIVI-KUN, VIVI-KUN GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT! |
|
RICHIE |
well I promised |
|
FERN |
A TOTALLY INCOMPLETE LIST OF OOO WORDS 'N SLANG |
|
GLITCH |
VARIAN ARE THERE BUGS IN THE WATER?!
|
|
USAGI |
To help with restless nights and the... |
|
VIRA-LORR |
Little alchemist. I have a gift for you. |
|
MARTIN |
Hi, Varian. This is Martin. I wanted to reach out... |
|
USAGI |
Hi Varian, sweetie! I have a question for you. |
|
GLITCH |
varian I need to talk to you. it's important. |
|
USAGI |
I need you not to panic after what I tell you. |
|
FERN |
dog you have so many vests |
|
IRONHIDE |
HONK HONK |
|
USAGI |
... I'm sorry I couldn't help you better, Varian |
|
EMERALD |
Hey, V. Not that I care that much or anything... |
|
FERN |
tell me when you're alive |
|
FERN |
Varian i stabbed two people |
|
AMARA |
hey weirdo i have something for you
|
|
FERN |
is the Rapunzel in town your Rapunzel? |
|
PENNY |
Salutations!! You do not know me, but my name is Penny Polendina |
|
YANG |
Hey, is this Varian? I think we've met once before. |
|
FERN |
hey can we talk |
|
FERN |
you told ruby |
|
MAUL |
Surviving another year is always an occasion worth celebrating |
|
USAGI |
Hey I wanted to apologise |
|
USAGI |
VARIAN-KUUUUNNN!!!! |
|
FERN |
birth |
|
MAUL |
Look what just arrived for me. |
|
KATHERINE |
Do you want to get paid to make more purple goo things? |
|
FERN |
ok i know you're good with plants but what about animals |
|
FERN |
dog interested in means girls or guys |
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
droptheious) wrote2020-03-11 08:22 am
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
cawaii
no subject
Varian's frown only deepens as Peter explains what happened with Maul. Things are just getting worse and worse with the guy. Just when he thinks he's heard about as bad as Maul could possibly get, a whole new layer of awful gets added to the pile. He exhales sharply, running a hand through his hair. Damnit, Maul. ]
..I'm sorry that happened to you. [Maybe not so much Paimon, but as Paimon is attached to Peter, it's had a bad effect on the boy too.] He's been lashing out a lot lately and he's just been... hurting more and more people. Is that why he was weird in Prom? Because of all that?
[He'd take that- because Paimon was weird as all hell. It would soften the blow a little from all the self-worth issues the demon's comments disturbed that night. Maybe if that was out of the ordinary, it might make him feel a little less like trash.
It's heartbreaking to hear that Peter can't... just be Peter. This is something Varian's used to, at least. The Grass Demon is an intrinsic part of Fern, as uncomfortable as he makes him feel. It still sucks, though, it's like Peter's had his life stolen from him- maybe not all of it, but enough. ]
...I'm really sorry to hear that. [Uh oh. Varian can see where this is going and he shifts his feet, unsettled.] Thaaaat was an alchemy bomb, and admittedly a very bad idea to pull at prom. It's an explosive. I usually cart them around at parties in case something tries to kill us, because that... always happens.
[So it would have made a big ass explosion. Which if it was aimed at anyone other than Luna he's sure would have cause some damage, BUT.]
I'm pretty sure Luna would reduce me to a paste on the floor if I hurt you or Paimon. She doesn't need the excuse as it is.
no subject
It might have made him more... confrontational, but I don't know how much of that was because of Maul or how much was just... Paimon. [ Peter visibly balks when he says the name aloud, like he usually does. He really, really doesn't want to coax the demon out, and saying his name always feels like a surefire way to summon him. ]
He doesn't.... understand certain things. And he gets really protective of certain people? Like him and Fern, they're really um... really close? [ Fuck, this is so weird to be talking about. Navigating teenage relationships is awkward enough without some weirdass, lost demon king involved. ] He did the same kind of thing when me and Luna started... being together, more. Like a couple. He didn't understand, and he's really protective of her, like he is with Fern.
[ A pause, and Peter glances back at Varian. He..... should probably warn the guy. Clearly he and Luna don't get on too well, and Paimon most likely won't... appreciate that. ] Really protective.
...But Fern talked to him, and I think maybe he understands a little more, now. I haven't uh, found any angry scribbly drawings of you in a while, so.... [ Cue a nervous laugh because he is not joking; Paimon's been doodling and there have been more than a few of a boy with two sets of really big round eyes (Paimon's depiction of someone wearing goggles, it seems...) ]
An alchemy bomb.....? [ The older boy's eyes are widening, stunned by that. And just a smidgen horrified, because as much as he knows Luna can handle herself, the thought of how that fight could have gone down is... not a pleasant one. They could have both seriously hurt each other. And there's a sudden, sharper flutter through him; Paimon's not happy about this. You were going to throw an explosive at his witch, Vareen??? And what is Peter implying, here? That Vareen should throw an explosive at them if he has to?
Peter swallows, eyes suddenly as wide as saucers, immediately looking all petrified. It's fine, he's fine. ] Yeah, sheβ she can definitely be scary when she wants to be. But I think we allβ we're all just trying to protect each other? That's what it sounds like. It's okay. Everything's okay.
[ ......If he sounds like he's coaxing himself, it's because he kind of is. Or rather, the demon inside of himself, who's now rippling like very unsettled water. Peter's heart is starting to beat a little too fast, and he suddenly presses a hand against his chest, like he's trying to settle an upset animal. ]
Stop it. He's not gonna hurt Luna either.
no subject
[Because Maul was very much in his own mind later, when he went about burning bridges. That had hurt Varian a lot- perhaps even more than the literal murder he went through. But he can understand anyone getting their back up over Maul. Add a demon king to the mix and...well, volatile isn't even a strong enough word.]
Yeah. That's something I wasn't aware of. [Does he sound a little bitter about that? Possibly. He doesn't like this pretty large secret that had been kept from him. He shouldn't be, he knows, he doesn't need to know everyone Fern is close to. But this felt... pretty intense and being out of the loop was not pleasant. ] I am now, but... yeah.
[Poor at social skills as he is, he can pick up what Peter is putting down. ]
So he's protective of her but he doesn't think you're... good enough for her? That sounds... complicated. I mean- this stuff is hard enough without having a demon getting involved. [Teenage romance, and all that. The seas are pretty damn choppy to say the least. He pauses because that's...concerning.] Wait he's been drawing pictures of me? Angry pictures?
[Well. That sure is concerning. He sure doesn't like that none. He watches Peter's panic start to surge and he's...definitely not doing hot. It was different with Cassandra- he heard her talking to Zhan Tiri, but she'd always been separate- not taking control, just whispering and pulling her insidious little strings. This is different and it's a little scary to see. He raises his hands in faux-surrender. ]
Hey, I wasn't gonna throw it at her. I mean... not unless she hit me first. It was self-defence. She brought the wand out first.
[And he distrusts magic enough to know that's not something to mess around with. He's still not sure that he would have got much of a hit in anyway. Not against Luna.
He squints a little, as Peter talks to Paimon and sucks in a breath. This is hitting far too close to home for comfort. If any of them had realised what was happening to Cass- if they'd caught it sooner- would things have gotten as bad as they were? When he speaks again, there's an edge to his tone, because he's not addressing Peter. ]
Hey, butt out. This is a conversation I'm having with Peter. When I'm having a conversation with you, I'll tell you. Give him some breathing space, geez.
no subject
I didn't know about it for a long time, either. He... the demon.... wanted things to stay hidden from most people. He never even let me know his name; I had to find out what it was from Luna. And there's still... a lot I don't know about him.
( Paimon's still such a mystery to him, which is... incredibly unnerving, and Peter's only recently started kind of facing that. )
Yeah, it's like... he has different rules, I guess. I don't think he means it... personally, he just sees things so differently. ( Okay, this is fucking weird and unsettling; he absolutely doesn't mean to... excuse Paimon's behaviour or try to get into that headspace or whatever, but.... living with this thing, interacting with other people... he's going to have to try to objectively understand Paimon's point of view and not be biased about it. But fuck, is that difficult. He doesn't want to be understanding of the fucking terrifying thing that's ruined his whole life, thanks. )
...But he shouldn't have even approached you at all. He knew better than that, ( Peter adds with a deep frown, because Paimon shouldn't have. He was meant to be keeping quiet and hidden that evening, not wandering around terrorising random people. ...Speaking of terrorising, though. )
Yeah. Heβ he does that. He likes to... draw and stuff. I think he's just getting out some... frustrations, like a little kid would, but I thought I should... tell you.
( Wow, he hates this, as much as it's necessary to actually... be honest with people. Warn them. Because despite Fern talking to Paimon and the demon seeming to be okay with that part of it now... Peter doesn't trust him. If he could be a threat to Varian, he needs to keep him in the loop about things. ....Unfortunately, this opens the door for the demon to make his thoughts known, too β and oh god, oh god, there's another, more violent shudder when Varian mentions that he'd only attack Luna if she hit him first. Paimon doesn't like anything to do with his witch being hurt, even if it's in a fair fight.
And suddenly Varian's talking to him, a fact that's immediately clear to both the demon and Peter. And it dredges up memories of what happened at prom: the harshness Varian had addressed him with. Paimon's a being that reciprocates how he's treated, and this is a stark contrast to the gentleness he's used to from Luna. She's firm with him when she has to be, but it's never disrespectful, which is how he perceives "Vareen" now. How dare!! He give him such harsh commands!!! The absolute gall. )
You do not command me, mortal. ( Peter's voice is abruptly a snarl that ripples from his throat harshly, like something clawing its way out β and he's just as abruptly lunging closer to Varian, body moving with a weird convulsive motion. He doesn't actually touch him, certainly won't hurt him (that would hurt Fern), but he has to bark at him a little. )
no subject
[Oh. Oh no. Oh that sounds horribly familiar and something just twists uncomfortably in his stomach.
Who are you?
A friend, or I'd like to be.
Varian sucks in a breath. Normally, he wouldn't talk about Zhan Tiri so openly- or at least her effect on Cassandra. But that's why he wanted to see Peter in person anyway. Because this was an in-person conversation.]
The demon back home. Zhan Tiri? She was the same. She was known as a demon, so she hid her form, pretended she was helping. She pulled her strings and got everyone exactly where she wanted us. But Cass- it's not like you where she was inside her? But she did talked to her, she pushed her and used her, made her believe no one cared about her. That she was in the right, to attack us. And the whole time she lied. Told Cass she was her friend, and when Cass found out who she was, she freaked out but it was already...a mess.
[Maybe if things hadn't gone south. Maybe if Project Obsidian hadn't malfunctioned then maybe Rapunzel would have been able to talk Cass down from the metaphorical ledge. But things had gone south. And it had been awful.]
Yeah, well. He did. He strikes me as someone who's going to do what he wants anyway. Zhan Tiri sure did. I honestly don't care if he doesn't like me. His opinion doesn't matter. It just- he'd just hit a nerve is all.
[Varian's self-worth is so low and Paimon had hit hard there. Varian is aware he should have known better, should have had a thicker hide. But he hadn't, and he'd gone off at Luna and there's no changing that. He notices Peter convulsing and concern crosses his features at first- not quite realising what is happening. It's not until Peter speaks like that which clues Varian in on everything.
The concern is immediately replaced with anger, his lip curling a little. He doesn't step back from the lunge, keeping his shoulders square. He has got some bombs on him, if he needs them, but he doesn't want to hurt Peter.]
I'll say whatever I like- you don't command me, either. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Peter. This doesn't concern you.
no subject
Still, this is absolutely horrifying. As is the subject of demons, because no matter how long Peter has spent with one of his own, no matter how he's learning ways to... adjust to it, it remains the biggest source of horror for him. It scares the shit out of him, and learning that demons exist in other worlds too? It's horrifying.
But he listens. He doesn't shut down like he might not long ago β because he invited Varian over here, and he'll listen to whatever the other boy tells him. But Peter's eyes are wide and horrified by what he's hearing, that some poor woman was manipulated in such a way by such a force. Luna's been learning about his own demon, and there's John who's an exorcist, who knows his shit. They've both stressed that Paimon is apparently not an evil entity; he's meant to help people, but... this Paimon? He's weird as fuck. He's... wrong, lost, warped in ways. He gets hostile, violent. Peter's been trying to understand the demon more, and he's met other demons who aren't dangerous, like Michael (though.... Michael did used to torture humans, so there's that.) ....Stories like this are a reminder to Peter of what the word "demon" has always meant for him. Something scary, evil. It's still so hard for him not to see Paimon that way. )
That's horrible. I'm.... I'm so sorry. For what your friend went through. Did the demon finally leave her alone after that?
Luna's been researching him for a long time. And he's... he's supposed to follow certain rules. He's supposed to help people, grant their wishes and stuff. But something happened to him. I don't really understandβ there was this cult, back home. They... I guess they messed him up. He's not how he's supposed to be?
( That's how he's heard Luna word it. Not that it'll probably soothe Varian's discomforts any, and it does little to soothe his own.
Of course, any lingering comfort that might have been hanging on through this incredibly awful conversation is out the window when Paimon and Varian start hissing at each other. Oh god. The both of them are probably saying the absolute worst things to each other right now β Paimon flaring up all over again at that, seeing it as blatant disrespect. It gets to the demon in a certain place too, presses against a particular bruise, one that knows what humans can do, and is upset by them for it. )
You will hold your tongue! All matters of my Vessel concern me. As do all matters of my Witch, and my Knight. You will not harm them, human.
no subject
[And Varian had no idea when the man would lash out like one. He knows Savage has a pretty big vendetta against Usagi already. He has no idea how many others are on that list.
Zhan Tiri is exactly why Varian has so much distrust towards demons. Before coming here, he only knew of the one and she was beyond evil. All she wanted to do was destroy and hurt an entire Kingdom.
Revenge for an act done to her by a dead man over a thousand years ago. ]
Uuuhhh, well, she's super dead now, the demon. So not by choice, no. And not before wiping out almost all life in the Kingdom while she was at it. Uh...it got undone.
[Which is a great way to tell anyone you got murdered by a demon and then resurrected. ]
Is Luna sure what she read is true? Maybe it was something written from the perspective of people who wanted him latched onto someone. I mean, maybe she's right- but if I wanted a demon to be brought into a mortal body, I sure wouldn't be honest about his nature.
[Sorry, Peter. Varian is never the person you want to go for optimism and words if comfort.
Not that comfort is anywhere near his mind as Paimon keeps talking. ]
Uuuhhhhh no? You don't get to tell me what to do. And I'm NOT interested in hurting Luna, and I'm sure as heck not going to hurt Fern. So get off your high horse and go back wherever you go in Peter's head when you're not in control.
no subject
...But there's something that's just as distressing, and he's pausing, staring at Varian widely for a long moment. ) She killed everybody? Oh my god.
( But it got "undone", the other boy said. Which is... good, but like. Fuck. (Has he had nightmares where Paimon just straightup murders everyone he cares about? Oh, absolutely. Is this conversation digging in deeper and deeper to Peter's worst fears? Definitely.) )
I mean... Honestly, I don't think she knows for sure. Like this thing... the information about him is ancient. I'm not sure how much is real and how much might be like... I don't know, altered over time?
( Like any religious text, really. Who's to say what's in there is concrete? Paimon seems to listen to Luna, but clearly that's not foolproof. )
You dare speak to me in such a mannerβ! You cannot!
( That'll be Paimon, rearing up at Varian all over again, absolutely livid by this human he isn't even bonded to, directing him to withdraw into his host. Satan below, Varian is testing him.
Peter's dark eyes flash gold as something ancient surges through him. Suddenly, the air's changing, seeming almost to tense β a thrumming, buzzing sensation that presses inwards, the energy of the demon like static from some other world, something alien. Varian might feel his skin crawl, goosebumps erupting across it β and the same thing happens to Peter, the nerve endings of his skin suddenly unpleasantly active, raw. The air itself feels alive, and Peter's suddenly breaking through for a moment, eyes murky and twitching, scrambling backwards from Varian. He's been here before; he knows what it feels like. Any moment now, Paimon could make flames erupt into an inferno, or attack Varian like a wild animal, with nails and teeth and inhuman speed...
His heart's hammering, terrified, hands held up in the air between himself and the younger boy. A cold sweat's broken out all over him, his skin fever-slick and shuddering, his body as always reacting poorly to the demon surging so powerfully. )
Okay, enough! I don'tβ I don't want him to get hurt! Please, stop. I'm not commanding you, I'm justβ asking! Please.
( The seconds trickle by, Peter's hands still held up, desperate. It's slowly, but it happens; the demon withdraws inwards, and its oppressive, buzzing energy slowly fades. Peter's wide eyes just as slowly lose that murkiness, and he slumps against the back of Luna's house, shaking hands covering his face. )
Fuck.
no subject
[He tries not to think about it too hard. It's pretty depressing.]
Ah. That can be a problem when all you have to go on is an ancient text. Things tend to get...lost in translation.
[He definitely feels Paimon's grip on Peter tighten, and takes a step back. He doesn't look afraid though, he just looks defiant and angry. He...kind of likes Peter and it's deeply unfair that this is happening to him. That tangled with his emotions towards Cassandra and Zhan Tiri and...well, he's about done being scared of demons. If he needs to fight his way out of this, he will.
Luckily, he doesn't have to. Peter gets a hold of the situation and when he slumps on the house, Varian shifts a little closer, his anger replaced with genuine concern.]
...Are you okay?
unnecessarily lengthy introspection!
Peter'll just have been staring widely at him through that, for the immediate moment not commenting on it. Not knowing how to. Coming back from the dead in this place is... something, but back home? Varian died and came back, back home?
It's... a lot. It's something he maybe will ask Varian more about, when he... knows how. It seems there's quite a lot about the other boy's past that Peter could maybe.. learn from, with the magic and the demons and all manner of frightening shit.
That is, if Varian will ever talk to him again after all of this. It feels like only seconds have gone by and he's been turned completely upside down again as he slumps further down the side of the house, ending up sitting completely on the ground. )
I'mβ sorry. ( It's not an answer to Varian's question, but it's his immediate response, and he's shaking all over again. Not just from the physical experience of it, but what could have happened. Peter stiffens, like he's trying to keep a distance between them. Varian's not scared enough of him, and he doesn't know how to remedy that. He has to try. )
H-he could've really hurt you. Heβ can do weird shit, like set things on fire and fuck people up, andβ he could've done that.
( Peter gives a shaky breath, a sharp sound drawn inwards. Something else is bothering him, something very weird and disturbing about what just happened (even moreso than usual), but he'll have to touch on that later. For now... he needs to make Varian understand, if he can. Varian can't just shout and fuss with this thing; he needs to be afraid of it. Peter didn't invite the other boy over here with that intention, but... there it is. It's just reality. People should be afraid of the demon. And of Peter by default. )
You need to be careful, okay? If you make him mad, he couldβ ( He closes his eyes for a moment, pushes his palms into them hard enough that he can see stars. It's another reminder, like what happened with Luna. There's a beast inside of him. ) I don't want you to get hurt.
beautiful though!
At least Varian's anger doesn't seem to be directed at Peter himself. Oh no, that's all on Paimon. It's interesting to hear Paimon can do all of that, but the demon he dealt with back home literally decayed him to death so he's got a pretty weird line these days. ]
I'm not afraid of him. [Sorry, Peter, you're learning a super fun thing about Varian today and that is that he's the most stubborn fuck on the planet when he wants to be.] Just because he's dangerous doesn't mean he gets to treat people like he rules over them. And he shouldn't be using you like he owns you, either, or... or makes you this worried. That's not fair.
no subject
So if he's going to be around people, he has to... do what he can to make sure they won't get hurt by him. To at least try. He slowly lowers his hands from his eyes, looking miserably up at the other teen. He wishes it could be that simple, but it can't be. Not when dealing with something as powerful, as dangerous as this. It's so far over his head.
And of course there's that part of him that will forever insist that this is fair, even when it feels like it isn't. That it's his punishment, what he deserves. )
I... We have to be careful with him. ( Peter sighs, still shaky. Here comes that disturbing thing he can't shake. ) Like just now, he... listened to me. He went away when I asked him to. He's never done that before. I know that sounds like it should be a good thing, but... it just shows how much he changes, Varian. He's so... I never know what he's gonna do. He comes with all these like, rules he follows, and I don't understand them. Luna's trying, but... I don't understand.
( Wow, that sure was a lot. Peter never talks so much at one time. But as uncomfortable as this is, maybe it's a good thing, too. Getting some of it out. He hasn't been able to really talk much about it to anyone before. And maybe it feels weirdly... nice that Varian's angry on his behalf. Maybe there's a little bit of emotion from that, and everything else, that causes his voice to break just a bit on what he says next. )
I just don't want to hurt anybody else. I've already hurt so many people. Iβ hurt Luna.
no subject
He knows he's being stubborn and relentless. He knows it would be better to back down. Grass Demon has taught him that not every demon is like Zhan Tiri. That he doesn't have to react with open hostility, expecting full out war to survive against each and every time. But he can't help himself. Once burned, he guesses. ]
The fact he's so... unpredictable makes it worse. I... surely you've gotta be tired of walking on eggshells all the time? He shouldn't be the one who dictates how you interact with people or how other people interact with you. It's your body he stole. He should have to live by your rules. Or at the very least come to a fair compromise.
[Ah. But talking about hurting people does give him a reason to pause. He frowns softly, his anger quietening. It doesn't go away, it bubbles under the surface, but it's a little less sharp now.]
Was it you that hurt people...Luna? Or was it him? Because those are two very different things.
cw: suicidal ideation themes
The thing is... it was... it was given to him. My body. Me. ( Peter says it very quietly, not able to look up at the other boy for a moment. Yet again, this feels like... looking at things from the demon's perspective, taking it into consideration, which goes against everything he wants to do, but.... he can't hide from certain truths anymore. The horrible, awful truth is that Paimon didn't steal his body. Didn't ask for this either. Peter knows that now. )
So he thinks it's his now, and in some way, he's right? I'm not trying to like... make excuses for him. It's just. It's complicated. ( Peter sighs, nudges his foot against some loose dirt nearby. The question stings, because this too is complicated, but he can't run away from it either. )
It was my fault, ultimately. After Maul did something to us, I should've told her. Then she could've had her guard up around me. But she... already has so much going on, so much. I just. I didn't want to scare her.
( And then the demon had ended up doing that very thing, and now he's not sure Luna will ever be the same around him again. )
...I feel like I've ruined something I can't undo. I wasn't supposed to hurt her like this. Iβ it's what I've been afraid of this whole time, and it happened. And I can't take it back.
cw: suicidal ideation themes
He's wrong.
[Varian says that like it's the surest thing he's ever uttered. He believes it, completely and utterly, and there's no swaying him from it.
It's deeply distressing to know Maul caused more trouble here. That, once again, he's caused people pain and made things a goddamn mess. That's...something he's going to have to deal with separately, later- all his disappointment in the man being brought to the surface again. For now, he needs to focus on Peter. ]
...I can tell you that wasn't your fault until the world ends and you wouldn't believe me, huh?
[This is...horribly familiar. Ruining something you can't undo. He exhales sharply, rubbing a hand over his face, his shoulders slouching like he's gained decades in age in a moment. ]
I know a thing or two about doing something you can't take back. You made a mistake, you chose wrong- but you did it for decent reasons. Those...reasons won't really matter in the long run, because the mistake? That's the thing people will always remember.
[The only people in Corona who care to remember why he started down the road he did- to save his dying village, were people like Rapunzel and the gang. His closest friends. The world at large? That hardly mattered- they cared about what came after. ]
So you need to figure out how to move forward from it. Looking back doesn't do anything- and even if it's easier said than done, believe me- you've gotta... focus on how to make it right. Talk about it with her, cards on the table. You can't undo anything you...or he did, but you can figure out how to make sure it doesn't happen again.
cw: mention of familial suicide, themes of mental illness and autonomy loss, just a real fun time
But time has passed, and Peter's realising that with it, his thought-process has slowly shifted. There are still people trying to help him with this, but it's become.... painfully clear that permanently removing the demon probably can never happen. It's become painfully clear that there are rules that he's going to have to follow, regarding Paimon. This thing is.... so much more than anything Peter's ever known. Something impossibly ancient, with rules that are just as ancient, and they must be followed, or... or else people will get hurt, and if he tries to go against Paimon, his mind could get.. fucking fried or something. He's already so bad off mentally. Some days it really... scares him. He doesn't want to risk getting worse. (Getting like Grandma had, or Mom, or his Uncle, the one who killed himself.)
It's a strange type of acceptance; he doesn't want it. It's... sad. It makes him feel very sad: the losses of himself. But it's not something Peter will fight against.
So he just gives a sad little smile in response to Varian's question, shoulders slumping forwards a little. But after a moment he's slowly looking back up at the younger teen, listening to what he says about mistakes made and how that's what you'll always be remembered for, and it doesn't matter what else you do, because you made the mistake..... Charlie's death shudders in his chest like a second heartbeat, and Peter gives a soft little sound. Nods. Varian understands. He'd done something awful too, and he gets it. It... helps, that someone gets it.
'You've gotta focus on how to make it right.' Figure out how to make sure it never happens again. Peter's nodding again, unable to speak for a little bit; his throat still has that persistent lump in it. Luna doesn't blame him for it, he knows that. Luna's never blamed him, for any of it. But he..... can try to make sure it doesn't happen again. )
Thanks, Varian. I will. I'll try to make it right. ( Peter finds his voice again and sniffles quietly, tries to clear his throat. ) I'm... I'm sorry you know what it's like. Um... making some mistake, and people can't ever look at you without seeing that mistake? It's.... hard. Feeling like you're some.... monster.
( He'd seen it in his mother's face. She could never look at him again without seeing her daughter's death, and she could never forgive him for it. )
cw: Peter bringing the party to the house
It meant he could try to make things right- and he has. If he'd given everything up in that airship he wouldn't be where he is now. He wouldn't know there was light at the end of the tunnel, that there was a way to escape the seemingly endlessly encroaching darkness. It's meant he could help other people find their way back to the light, too. It makes it all seem...well, not justified, but at least less of a waste. ]
I was a monster, they're not wrong.
[He says it simply, in a water-is-wet kind of way, raising his shoulders in a shrug. He's not about to pretend any differently. ]
But it does get better eventually. It's on you to make good from your mistakes. But people will see you doing that, and they... they stop looking at you like you're about to stab them in the back so much. It takes a lot of work and sometimes it doesn't even feel like you're getting anywhere. But you can, if you want it to.
[And oh, how he'd wanted it to.]
You're a good guy, Peter. You've made mistakes, but they're- they're not irredemable, I don't like to think anything is if you want to be redeemed for it.
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And so many people here still don't... know. What he'd done. He's been forgiven by the ones he's told β they've loved him even after learning about it β but Peter still hasn't forgiven himself. He can't. He can't let go of it. And the demon is a literal reminder of it all, his punishment.
As he's listening, he's painfully aware that there are two pieces to it β that part of what he's talking about, the awful mistakes he's made, has to do with... his mother, and being seen as monster by her, and he can never, ever find forgiveness for that. His mother's gone. But the other part: the one about making mistakes with what happened with Maul, and Luna.... that is something he can work towards. Luna will forgive him; he knows she will. She always will. Luna never sees him as monster, not even after everything.
He sniffles wetly, runs the back of his sleeve against his nose again. He's not a good guy β but he's glad Varian isn't completely shunning him after his demon flare-up and minor breakdown afterwards. He'd really have every right to. )
Thank you, Varian. You're um.... you're really wise. I hope you know that. ( He manages to offer a little smile, weak and shaky, but still there. He means it, though. Clearly the poor guy's been through some shit, and it's sad to think about, but it's..... nice to be able to talk a little bit about it, too. It doesn't feel so alone. )
I'm sorry about... all of this. Probably wasn't what you were expecting when I called you. ( This fucking pathetic mess that he is. A budding friendship with Peter means a whole lot of demon bullshit and crying, clearly. )
But uh. I'm glad you came.
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He glances up at Peter's sniffle, hesitating for a moment before reaching out a hand to rest firmly on his shoulder. ]
Hah- I get that a lot. I think it's more...horrible life experience than it is wisdom, but thanks.
[He waves his free hand airily.]
Don't worry about it. You've got a lot to deal with. I'm just glad if I helped any way. We...uh, we all need that sometimes, y'know? A no-judgement breakdown.