Deerington inbox

[droptheious]

FROM: SUBJECT: FERN Ooo slang part the second FERN i think we just shared electrons, because i'm feeling a covalent bond between us LANCE Pidge, I need your help. I gotta send a meme to Chloe but ... DIPPER Hey Varian. You know those crazy alchemy bombs you used... PETER Hey Varian, this is Peter. Um, Peter Graham. USAGI Soooooooo~ How'd the date go? MAKO Varian— Checking in. SHIRO i think one of us put a chicken patty in my toaster EDDIE Hey. We need to talk. MELIUS 𝐻𝒾. 𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝒾𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈 𝓌𝑒𝒾𝓇𝒹 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒾𝓉 𝒾𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓇𝓉 EDA Hey, kid. I... owe you an apology. LUZ Valentines MAUL I have a proposition for a project I think you'll be interested in USAGI I LOVE YOU FERN DUDE you still have your bandana! BUZZ Morning. I heard from Fern you wanted to go out into the blizzard. FERN dude your profile changed USAGI Ruby told me about the breakup. GLITCH Varian, I'm gonna go live somewhere else for now MAKO A "nerd" is somebody smart... MAUL Gifts FERN heeyyyy quick question FERN Christmas is coming up!!! CHLOE god who the FUCK ever thought emojis were a good idea??? KRISTOFF Varian,It's getting colder so I thought you could use this FERN heyyyy Variable RAPUNZEL okay not to put you on the spot but... EDA Potion time NEO Dude, I can mine antidote shit here! GLITCH Got this in my basket. EDA hey smart kid TEN Hallo ADAM Hey, k-- uh, Varian. I just wanted to check in USAGI I'm sorry I worried you and fainted on you yesterday. AMARA i lived, bitch NEO Debatably good news, asshole USAGI Hey Varian! It's Usagi OSCAR I'm sorry, Varian. Tell me what you need FERN a dark past huh MAUL Varian. I am in great need of your assistance FERN Varian VARIAN I CAN EAT FOOD USAGI How much moon essence do you have? USAGI VIVI-KUN, VIVI-KUN GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT! RICHIE well I promised FERN A TOTALLY INCOMPLETE LIST OF OOO WORDS 'N SLANG GLITCH VARIAN ARE THERE BUGS IN THE WATER?! USAGI To help with restless nights and the... VIRA-LORR Little alchemist. I have a gift for you. MARTIN Hi, Varian. This is Martin. I wanted to reach out... USAGI Hi Varian, sweetie! I have a question for you. GLITCH varian I need to talk to you. it's important. USAGI I need you not to panic after what I tell you. FERN dog you have so many vests IRONHIDE HONK HONK USAGI ... I'm sorry I couldn't help you better, Varian EMERALD Hey, V. Not that I care that much or anything... FERN tell me when you're alive FERN Varian i stabbed two people AMARA hey weirdo i have something for you FERN is the Rapunzel in town your Rapunzel? PENNY Salutations!! You do not know me, but my name is Penny Polendina YANG Hey, is this Varian? I think we've met once before. FERN hey can we talk FERN you told ruby MAUL Surviving another year is always an occasion worth celebrating USAGI Hey I wanted to apologise USAGI VARIAN-KUUUUNNN!!!! FERN birth MAUL Look what just arrived for me. KATHERINE Do you want to get paid to make more purple goo things? FERN ok i know you're good with plants but what about animals FERN dog interested in means girls or guys

TO: SUBJECT: USAGI So. Maul dropped by, he's got his memories back. ADAM I'm worried about Shiro FERN Hey handsome OSCAR You've been weirdly quiet lately FERN Guess what I haven't told you lately? USAGI Hey. I'm back from the dead and I feel like trash. FERN I made meatloaf that may or may not poison us! Emerald Hey. I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone right now... BELLA Hey Bella. You've dated someone who's a different species to you right? BILL Hi, Fern mentioned you were interested in interdimensional portals... FERN Aw, your pictures are nice! KURT Hey. Are you around? RICHIE Is it just me or is Eddie acting weirder than usual? QROW Hey. Checking up on you. EDA Hi Eda. Hope Ruddiger found you okay. GLITCH Hey. What happened between you and Maul? LUNA Luna- I uh... I think I need your help EDDIE So hey, I finally worked out how to replicate the Antidote OSCAR So, I noticed Ozpin has shown up. ROGUE Hey, I managed to replicate the Antidote KURT Hey. We're back. None of us are dead. QROW Uh... hey. How are you guys holding up? PETER You gave Ruby the haunted dolls GLITCH Hey, Bud. Sorry I tried to murder you with a robot KURT I'm probably the last person you want to talk to... JON I'm sorry I attacked you JON Stay away from Fern. FERN Hey you still haven't got me those baking ingredients FERN Okay so the Betties are upping their war... USAGI Hey. So. Update. NEO You tried to bury her alive? SERIOUSLY? USAGI Emotions are really difficult FERN OH MY GOD YOU HAVE ONE TOO FERN Okay this better be to Fern this time. WYNONNA So guess who got into the fridge and ate literally everything in there.

code by cawaii

Comments

cw: mention of familial suicide, themes of mental illness and autonomy loss, just a real fun time

[possessum]

( Half of Peter feels some weird rush of relief by the assured way Varian says it. 'He's wrong.' And then, immediately after, the other half comes in: the one that feels a deep ache. He thought the same for so long. That this was his body, and it gave him something to hope towards, even if... quietly. That the end goal should be getting rid of the demon, that his body, his autonomy was something to try and recover.

But time has passed, and Peter's realising that with it, his thought-process has slowly shifted. There are still people trying to help him with this, but it's become.... painfully clear that permanently removing the demon probably can never happen. It's become painfully clear that there are rules that he's going to have to follow, regarding Paimon. This thing is.... so much more than anything Peter's ever known. Something impossibly ancient, with rules that are just as ancient, and they must be followed, or... or else people will get hurt, and if he tries to go against Paimon, his mind could get.. fucking fried or something. He's already so bad off mentally. Some days it really... scares him. He doesn't want to risk getting worse. (Getting like Grandma had, or Mom, or his Uncle, the one who killed himself.)

It's a strange type of acceptance; he doesn't want it. It's... sad. It makes him feel very sad: the losses of himself. But it's not something Peter will fight against.

So he just gives a sad little smile in response to Varian's question, shoulders slumping forwards a little. But after a moment he's slowly looking back up at the younger teen, listening to what he says about mistakes made and how that's what you'll always be remembered for, and it doesn't matter what else you do, because you made the mistake..... Charlie's death shudders in his chest like a second heartbeat, and Peter gives a soft little sound. Nods. Varian understands. He'd done something awful too, and he gets it. It... helps, that someone gets it.

'You've gotta focus on how to make it right.' Figure out how to make sure it never happens again. Peter's nodding again, unable to speak for a little bit; his throat still has that persistent lump in it. Luna doesn't blame him for it, he knows that. Luna's never blamed him, for any of it. But he..... can try to make sure it doesn't happen again. )

Thanks, Varian. I will. I'll try to make it right. ( Peter finds his voice again and sniffles quietly, tries to clear his throat. ) I'm... I'm sorry you know what it's like. Um... making some mistake, and people can't ever look at you without seeing that mistake? It's.... hard. Feeling like you're some.... monster.

( He'd seen it in his mother's face. She could never look at him again without seeing her daughter's death, and she could never forgive him for it. )

cw: Peter bringing the party to the house

[droptheious]

[Varian has seen the darkest parts of his psyche- he's very, painfully aware of what awful things he's capable of. What a monster he can truly be. There was a time when he thought throwing his life away to fix it was his only answer. It wasn't, and as much as he was angry at her for doing it at the time, he's glad Rapunzel stopped him from making his miserable life end with a full stop instead of a comma.

It meant he could try to make things right- and he has. If he'd given everything up in that airship he wouldn't be where he is now. He wouldn't know there was light at the end of the tunnel, that there was a way to escape the seemingly endlessly encroaching darkness. It's meant he could help other people find their way back to the light, too. It makes it all seem...well, not justified, but at least less of a waste. ]

I was a monster, they're not wrong.

[He says it simply, in a water-is-wet kind of way, raising his shoulders in a shrug. He's not about to pretend any differently. ]

But it does get better eventually. It's on you to make good from your mistakes. But people will see you doing that, and they... they stop looking at you like you're about to stab them in the back so much. It takes a lot of work and sometimes it doesn't even feel like you're getting anywhere. But you can, if you want it to.

[And oh, how he'd wanted it to.]

You're a good guy, Peter. You've made mistakes, but they're- they're not irredemable, I don't like to think anything is if you want to be redeemed for it.

[possessum]

( It isn't often that someone so outright admits they were a monster. Peter's quietly surprised by it, just breathing it in — and it's some strange relief, too. There's relief in... admitting it, accepting it. Maybe it's horrible, but it feels better to see himself as "monster" than to pretend he isn't. He doesn't want to be, he hates it, it hurts, but.... pretending hurts more.

And so many people here still don't... know. What he'd done. He's been forgiven by the ones he's told — they've loved him even after learning about it — but Peter still hasn't forgiven himself. He can't. He can't let go of it. And the demon is a literal reminder of it all, his punishment.

As he's listening, he's painfully aware that there are two pieces to it — that part of what he's talking about, the awful mistakes he's made, has to do with... his mother, and being seen as monster by her, and he can never, ever find forgiveness for that. His mother's gone. But the other part: the one about making mistakes with what happened with Maul, and Luna.... that is something he can work towards. Luna will forgive him; he knows she will. She always will. Luna never sees him as monster, not even after everything.

He sniffles wetly, runs the back of his sleeve against his nose again. He's not a good guy — but he's glad Varian isn't completely shunning him after his demon flare-up and minor breakdown afterwards. He'd really have every right to. )

Thank you, Varian. You're um.... you're really wise. I hope you know that. ( He manages to offer a little smile, weak and shaky, but still there. He means it, though. Clearly the poor guy's been through some shit, and it's sad to think about, but it's..... nice to be able to talk a little bit about it, too. It doesn't feel so alone. )

I'm sorry about... all of this. Probably wasn't what you were expecting when I called you. ( This fucking pathetic mess that he is. A budding friendship with Peter means a whole lot of demon bullshit and crying, clearly. )

But uh. I'm glad you came.

[droptheious]

[After all the trouble he caused, everything he put good, innocent people through, Varian has never had any allusions of anything different. Sometimes, he still feels like a monster when those invasive thoughts get a little too loud. There's no point believing any different, he feels. That would be disrespectful to the people he hurt.

He glances up at Peter's sniffle, hesitating for a moment before reaching out a hand to rest firmly on his shoulder. ]

Hah- I get that a lot. I think it's more...horrible life experience than it is wisdom, but thanks.

[He waves his free hand airily.]

Don't worry about it. You've got a lot to deal with. I'm just glad if I helped any way. We...uh, we all need that sometimes, y'know? A no-judgement breakdown.