Deerington inbox

[droptheious]

FROM: SUBJECT: FERN Ooo slang part the second FERN i think we just shared electrons, because i'm feeling a covalent bond between us LANCE Pidge, I need your help. I gotta send a meme to Chloe but ... DIPPER Hey Varian. You know those crazy alchemy bombs you used... PETER Hey Varian, this is Peter. Um, Peter Graham. USAGI Soooooooo~ How'd the date go? MAKO Varian— Checking in. SHIRO i think one of us put a chicken patty in my toaster EDDIE Hey. We need to talk. MELIUS 𝐻𝒾. 𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝒾𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈 𝓌𝑒𝒾𝓇𝒹 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒾𝓉 𝒾𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓇𝓉 EDA Hey, kid. I... owe you an apology. LUZ Valentines MAUL I have a proposition for a project I think you'll be interested in USAGI I LOVE YOU FERN DUDE you still have your bandana! BUZZ Morning. I heard from Fern you wanted to go out into the blizzard. FERN dude your profile changed USAGI Ruby told me about the breakup. GLITCH Varian, I'm gonna go live somewhere else for now MAKO A "nerd" is somebody smart... MAUL Gifts FERN heeyyyy quick question FERN Christmas is coming up!!! CHLOE god who the FUCK ever thought emojis were a good idea??? KRISTOFF Varian,It's getting colder so I thought you could use this FERN heyyyy Variable RAPUNZEL okay not to put you on the spot but... EDA Potion time NEO Dude, I can mine antidote shit here! GLITCH Got this in my basket. EDA hey smart kid TEN Hallo ADAM Hey, k-- uh, Varian. I just wanted to check in USAGI I'm sorry I worried you and fainted on you yesterday. AMARA i lived, bitch NEO Debatably good news, asshole USAGI Hey Varian! It's Usagi OSCAR I'm sorry, Varian. Tell me what you need FERN a dark past huh MAUL Varian. I am in great need of your assistance FERN Varian VARIAN I CAN EAT FOOD USAGI How much moon essence do you have? USAGI VIVI-KUN, VIVI-KUN GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT! RICHIE well I promised FERN A TOTALLY INCOMPLETE LIST OF OOO WORDS 'N SLANG GLITCH VARIAN ARE THERE BUGS IN THE WATER?! USAGI To help with restless nights and the... VIRA-LORR Little alchemist. I have a gift for you. MARTIN Hi, Varian. This is Martin. I wanted to reach out... USAGI Hi Varian, sweetie! I have a question for you. GLITCH varian I need to talk to you. it's important. USAGI I need you not to panic after what I tell you. FERN dog you have so many vests IRONHIDE HONK HONK USAGI ... I'm sorry I couldn't help you better, Varian EMERALD Hey, V. Not that I care that much or anything... FERN tell me when you're alive FERN Varian i stabbed two people AMARA hey weirdo i have something for you FERN is the Rapunzel in town your Rapunzel? PENNY Salutations!! You do not know me, but my name is Penny Polendina YANG Hey, is this Varian? I think we've met once before. FERN hey can we talk FERN you told ruby MAUL Surviving another year is always an occasion worth celebrating USAGI Hey I wanted to apologise USAGI VARIAN-KUUUUNNN!!!! FERN birth MAUL Look what just arrived for me. KATHERINE Do you want to get paid to make more purple goo things? FERN ok i know you're good with plants but what about animals FERN dog interested in means girls or guys

TO: SUBJECT: USAGI So. Maul dropped by, he's got his memories back. ADAM I'm worried about Shiro FERN Hey handsome OSCAR You've been weirdly quiet lately FERN Guess what I haven't told you lately? USAGI Hey. I'm back from the dead and I feel like trash. FERN I made meatloaf that may or may not poison us! Emerald Hey. I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone right now... BELLA Hey Bella. You've dated someone who's a different species to you right? BILL Hi, Fern mentioned you were interested in interdimensional portals... FERN Aw, your pictures are nice! KURT Hey. Are you around? RICHIE Is it just me or is Eddie acting weirder than usual? QROW Hey. Checking up on you. EDA Hi Eda. Hope Ruddiger found you okay. GLITCH Hey. What happened between you and Maul? LUNA Luna- I uh... I think I need your help EDDIE So hey, I finally worked out how to replicate the Antidote OSCAR So, I noticed Ozpin has shown up. ROGUE Hey, I managed to replicate the Antidote KURT Hey. We're back. None of us are dead. QROW Uh... hey. How are you guys holding up? PETER You gave Ruby the haunted dolls GLITCH Hey, Bud. Sorry I tried to murder you with a robot KURT I'm probably the last person you want to talk to... JON I'm sorry I attacked you JON Stay away from Fern. FERN Hey you still haven't got me those baking ingredients FERN Okay so the Betties are upping their war... USAGI Hey. So. Update. NEO You tried to bury her alive? SERIOUSLY? USAGI Emotions are really difficult FERN OH MY GOD YOU HAVE ONE TOO FERN Okay this better be to Fern this time. WYNONNA So guess who got into the fridge and ate literally everything in there.

code by cawaii

Comments

[droptheious]

[Fern you are his saviour in all birthday related things. He appreciates you and your low-key offerings so very much. ]

Oh wow, about fifteen or so. This neighbourhood gets a lot of break-ins, figured I'd play it safe.

[Normal people would get better locks for their doors, but you do you, Varian. He'll head into his kitchen which is still half lab- but there is an empty table that doesn't have a pile of experiments on it, so he'll put the bag, and the resulting presents he pulls from it onto that. This is pretty exciting for him, getting gifts like this. Every single thing is pulled out of the bag with great care, studied and then placed carefully on the table. Except for the apple, which Ruddiger immediately grabs. But hey, he's gonna go sit on Fern's shoulder to eat it- that's kind of like a thanks, right? ]

Wow, Fern. These are... great. Like... genuinely. [His dad usually got him a book and that was as far as it went. He rubs the back of his neck, a little awkwardly. He's still accepting the fact he's good enough to be allowed nice things again. ] Thanks. I really appreciate it.

[laminae]

[Fern lets out an impressed whistle at that number. Yes, he is in fact impressed by a home having over a dozen booby traps.]

Geez, my place only has a basic lock on the door.

[Not even locks on the window, what is he doing with his life.

He follows Varian into the kitchen, reminded of Bubblegum's lab back home. It doesn't occur to him that this might not be the best use of a kitchen, not having used one himself for well over a year. He just leans against a counter, hoping the gifts are okay.

Ruddiger gets some absent headscratches because he's a good raccoon.]

Cool. If any of it turns out to be dumb or - whatever, I don't know, just get rid of it. [He won't be offended.] The knife's good quality, but I don't know about the cake.

[Since he hasn't been able to actually eat around here, it's not like he's been able to test the food at the bakery.]

[droptheious]

Well, if you ever want me to install some non-flammable booby traps in your Treehouse, I can absolutely do that for you.

[Friends don't let friends live without a good household security system! Ruddiger accepts the headscratches, attention AND food? Fern is winning out on Best Person currently. ]

Hey, no, none of this is dumb at all. I love it. [He offers a smile, putting a hand on Fern's shoulder. He's not the best at people-ing, but damnit if he's not going to try.] The cake's perfect. I've never seen one like that before.

[laminae]

[That sounds so cool. So cool.]

The answer to that is always going to be 'yes'.

[Seriously, booby traps in his treehouse is the best idea.

And hey, awesome. Good to know he's still got Finn's birthday skills.]

Uh, yeah. I had no clue they could do gravity-defying stuff on cake. It almost makes science look cool.

[He's joking, his joking.]

[droptheious]

Somehow, I thought that might be your answer. And cool, I'll come take a look and see what I can do for you.

[He absolutely has Finn's birthday skills. He gets a pointed look, there's a smirk lingering underneath it all, though. He gets you're joking mister.]

Who knew it would take gravity-defying baked goods to get you interested in science. I should have used that trick ages ago.

[laminae]

Awesome!

[He snorts.]

And I can't even eat the stuff. Pretty sure if Bonnibel had been a baker - and not the creating-sentient-life-from-baked-goods kinda baker - on top of being a scientist I would've gotten into it years ago.

[Look at him, actually joking about not being able to eat.]

[droptheious]

That's a shame. I wonder if I divide a way for you to enjoy it anyway. Like. I know you can put plant food in the soil, maybe I could find a way for you to 'taste' cake?

[Truly this is the greatest birthday gift of all- a chance to SCIENCE!!!]

[laminae]

[That has Fern suddenly looking very awkward.]

Uh, I can still taste food. I just can't eat it.

[His body is one big scientific anomaly, sorry Varian.]

[droptheious]

[Varian tilts his head, real slowly.]

I'm confused. You can taste food but you can't eat it? I mean, I know you probably don't have a digestive system or anything, but... what?

[How do you even work, Fern?]

[laminae]

I mean, I've got a tongue.

[So clearly that means he should be able to taste things, right? And because he's an idiot teenage boy who doesn't think this is inappropriate or anything - Varian's a scientist, it's totally fine - he opens his mouth and points.]

But my mouth doesn't go anywhere.

[Since his mouth is open that's probably coming out more like "my mou' 'oesn' 'o anywheh." At any rate he's right, he doesn't have a throat.]

[droptheious]

[Well. That's sure a thing. Varian peers in because of course, he does, this is about science and not anything weird! ]

...Huh. That's... different. So you have taste receptors... and presumably a sense of smell to go with it, but no digestive system?

[laminae]

[At least he'll... close his mouth after another few moments.]

Pretty much. I've got no guts whatsoever.

[He got to learn that factoid thanks to his fight with Finn.]

[droptheious]

Not the literal kind, anyway. The metaphorical kind? I think you've got plenty.

[Fern is way more of a badass than he is himself, Varian's pretty sure on that one. ]

[laminae]

Uh - [Wow, okay, compliment out of nowhere. Fern perks up, though he's also a little embarrassed.]

Hey, you do too. You've gotta be the toughest alchemist I've ever met.

[He may also be the only alchemist he's ever met.]

[droptheious]

[Sorry, Fern, you're just going to have to get used to those. ]

I'll take that as a compliment even if I'm pretty sure I'm the only alchemist you've ever met.

[laminae]

[Excellent job at returning that compliment, Fern. Excellent job.]

I mean - there's a chance I did meet an alchemist back home, and I just never knew. Not like I went around asking people their life stories, y'know?

[He is just. Going to get progressively more awkward here.]

[droptheious]

[Good attempt, buddy, you get a You Tried star.]

Well, honestly, I haven't met any others either so-

[Even in his time, they're a dying breed. Scientists move onto different things, call themselves different names. ]

Still. Thanks,

[laminae]

[He will take that gold star.]

Hey, no problem. [Is a friendly punch to Varian's shoulder appropriate? Fern is going with that.] If any alchemists show up here, they'll have to defeat you for the title.

[droptheious]

[Look a friendLy shoulder punch is the epitome of friendship, thanks bud, he'll treasure it always. He lets out a soft 'heh'.]

I think I can take them.

[laminae]

Of course you can! These hypothetical but extremely tough alchemists wouldn't stand a chance.

[And if they did he'd punch them in the face.]

[droptheious]

Awww thanks, Bud. Your faith in me is like a big hug.

[For once he's not being sarcastic when he says that.]

[laminae]

[Pffft, Fern just snorts.]

Okay, now you're just getting into cheesy territory.

[droptheious]

I could probably get cheesier, I can sing you a song if you want?

[Why does he voice that like a challenge. ]

[laminae]

Pass. Gotta pass. Besides, it's your birthday, not mine. Pretty sure I should be the one offering to sing you a song.

[There's a beat and he quickly adds:]

Not that I'm gonna! I don't do that anymore.

[droptheious]

[He lets out a soft snort of amusement.]

Right, right, of course you don't. I mean, you're missing out, but that's your prerogative.