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[droptheious]

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Varian

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VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

FROM: SUBJECT: JUN & HARU Hey Var, do you got a moment? JUN Just so you know, I'm fine, but I might be harder to contact. EVE Hey Varian, are you on this train? JUN Hey honey, where are you? GIL The Cube 4 GIL The Cube 3 JUN Hey Var, is this a good time to run a rather personal ethical dilemma by you? JUN Oh hey, lumber! GIL The Cube 2 GIL The Cube 1 RATIO Some while back... JUN I'm fine, I went to my room. KNI I am sorry. RATIO I will be going back to teaching on Monday. NOCTIS you okay there? JUN Date BLADE Varian. How are you doing? NOCTIS hey, you’re an engineer. JUN birthday NOCTIS hey, it's noctis. from the park? BLADE A little bird told me... ZHONGLI Hello. This is Zhongli BLADE This is Blade. Jusis told me to find you... ROSE You’re Varian, right? AMAL Loser gets adopted FERN Heyyyy V, you busy? DANNY Birthday AMAL Happy nameday to the best scientist I know! JUN Are you busy? There's something I wanted to ask you. AMAL hey varian FERN hey i just realized something great DANNY Hey. I know you're probably busy with everything... ZODIAC Happy Holiday from Zodiac! CLAUDE Hey Varian. You there? ZELOS Heeeey Varian! I'm sure you're busy... FIVE I know you might be busy right now but... FERN heyyy, did you see that guy...

TO: SUBJECT: JUN Two questions. BLADE Hey, hey hey, Blade. JUN Birthday VASH I figure it's probably about time we talk, huh? JUN 愛してるよ ???!!! AMAL Dad? You home? JUN Forgt anyting nuice I said aboout space KNI Happy birthday, Kni! MIKLEO Hey, Mikleo. Jun said it'd be okay to message you... YUUKI So hey, do you think you could... JUN So. Uh. That happened. ELLIOT Hi, Elliot. Can I talk to you about something? AMAL Dad, something happened to Fern. DANNY Hey, Bud. I've got some bad?? news? EVE Hey, Eve. I wanted to make sure AMAL Happy birthday, Dad! AMAL Hey, could I get your opinion on something? VASH Hi there! Texting ahead of time like you asked. FERN Happy birthday, you. FERN Day of Hearts WILL Hey, Will. When are you free? I've got your... ELLIOT ...Hey, Elliot. Can I ask your advice on something? SNOW Hey, you available? ELLIOT Elliot? I'm- I'm really sorry to bother you... AUGUST Hey. Can I ask a follow-up question after my last one? DANNY Hey. There's something important I need to talk to you about. FIVE Hey, I was thinking we should probably talk MOANA Hey. Remember me saying we probably needed to talk... ELLIOT Um. Hey. I wondered if we could talk. AMAL Hey. Are you busy? Can we talk? HUNTER Just so you're aware... AUGUST Can I ask some advice? DANNY Hey, Danny! I think I've figured out something... KEN Hey! The figure you wanted is all finished.

code by cawaii

Comments

[droptheious]

[Varian wishes it had stopped at that. He wishes he'd had the common sense to understand where the line between an accident and... what he ended doing lay. But he didn't. And it got worse.]

There was this... blizzard. It was demonic, it turns out, but no one knew that at the time. It was just more powerful than anything Corona had experienced before. It was a struggle to get to the castle and by the time I did, Rapunzel was trying to deal with evacuating the island. I told her what was happening, that I was desperate for her help, but she couldn't help me. Not with that. And her guards decided I was attacking her and threw me out into the snow.

[He lets out a long, slow breath.]

I know now that it wasn't her fault. That she had to pick the lives of the many over one man. But at the time, it felt like a betrayal. She was my friend and the only person who could save him and she... didn't. By the time I got home, the amber had swallowed Dad alive- he was just stuck inside it, and nothing I tried could get him out.

[And oh, he tried. So many exhausting nights spent doing everything in his power to save the only person he had for nothing. ]

No one came to check up on me. I felt abandoned. But I knew that Rapunzel got her abilities from that flower. I concocted a truth serum and baked it into cookies - passing it out to the citizens of the capital to see if I could find out where it was. I found it was hidden in a vault deep in the catacombs of the Kingdom [THOSE catacombs, the ones he lived in before he came to Kaisou] and I convinced Rapunzel to help me. I lied and told her I wanted to use it to stop the black rocks completely, but that that point I just wanted to save my Dad. We both knew it was treason to break in and mess with it, but she did it for me anyway. We found the dried up remains of the flower and I just... took it. Left her to take the fall.

[He scoffs lightly.]

Not that it mattered. It didn't work. And I realised Rapunzel really was the sole power of the Sundrop now, and I'd just made sure she'd never help me willingly again.

[whiteshroud]

[As Jun continues to listen, an expression of deep empathy crosses his face. It's easy enough to put himself in Varian's shoes. Had it been his father in danger.... he probably would've made many of the similar choices, felt similar.

The "needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one" is all well and good until you're the one that's being sacrificed - especially when you didn't get a choice in the matter. ]

What happened after that?

[droptheious]

[ It certainly isn't a pleasant place to be- the one being sacrificed. Having to see how quickly a life can be discarded. Quirin was a respect man, a leader of the village, an old friend of the King. And he was just left to die. And Varian couldn't understand why. Not then.]

I knew I'd have to force Rapunzel into helping me if I had any chance. So I... I used this serum I'd created on Ruddiger to turn him huge and set him on the capital. With the guards busy dealing with him, I broke into the castle and I kidnapped the queen. I figured if she wouldn't do anything to save my parent, maybe she'd do something to save hers. I set a bunch of automatons outside my home to keep any remaining guards who came with her busy.

[The disgust in his voice is clear. He's learned to deal with a lot of his self-loathing, he's learned to understand what drove him to do what he did. They were reasons, not excuses. But they didn't make him beyond worth as a person, either- that was something that took him a long, long time to learn. But he still feels guilt for it. He did something wrong and he can't bypass it.

She came for her and I used the amber potion next to the queen to hurry Rapunzel along. Either she saved my dad or her mom would share his fate. It was... awful. I was awful. But she agreed, and her hair still didn't do it. She- that was my last hope to save him and knowing I'd done all that for- for nothing? Something snapped in me.

[He still remembers the BLIND rage he went into. He just wanted the world to burn at that point. Everything and everyone had either been taken from him or turned away from him and he was left with nothing.]

I piloted a giant robot, I grabbed her mom and her best friend and started to crush them to death. I was angry out of control and I just wanted to make her hurt.

[whiteshroud]

[Despite the heaviness of the story he's being told, he does manage one snort at the mention of Ruddiger in this plan. ]

That raccoon wrecks enough havoc when he's normal size, so no wonder all the guards were busy....

[The rest of the story is heavier, and Jun doesn't really offer any change in his expression, or any words to indicate how he feels about. He needs to mull it over, honestly. Ethically he could see where it was wrong, sure. But as a Seal Knight? There's a part of him that understands the pragmatism. ]

And then?

[droptheious]

[ Varian manages a tired, trained little laugh. ]

I think he had the time of his life doing that, honestly.

[ Ruddiger ENJOYED being a kaiju for a spell!

Varian heaves out a sigh. ]

She finally figured out how to control the rocks. She used them against me and saved her people. The guards pried me out of my robot and arrested me. [Varian makes a soft, sad little noise in the back of his throat.] Even after everything I'd just put her through, she asked them to have leniency with me. I... that probably saved me from the hangman's noose. Royals really don't look kindly on attempted regicide. That's high treason and there's usually only one punishment for that.

[ But he got away with his life and he knows he has Rapunzel to thank for that. A kindness she never had to pass to him, but she did anyway.]

So, instead, I got thrown into a cell in the deepest, darkest part of the dungeon and left to rot for the rest of my life. I was in there for a year before Andrew. He was the leader of a terrorist sect and at some point got thrown in with me to be my cellmate. I don't really remember at what point. We didn't really get a lot of sunlight down there, it was hard to judge the days.

[ Varian hugs his arms around himself again. Andrew was a deeply unpleasant memory.]

At that point I was just so tired. I'd had the time to realise what a mess I'd made, and I just... I just wanted all the hurt to stop. Andrew was charming - no, he was manipulative- and he convinced me to help him break out and help his group take over the Kingdom. And I did. We found a magical way to remove a person's memories. I did it to the king and queen and then puppetered them, telling them I was their royal advisor. I didn't want to hurt them at that point- but Andrew was... I thought he was helping me. He said together we could make a means to make everyone forget what I did and I could get a clean slate. So I used the king and queen to force the residents of the kingdom to work in the mines, gathering the minerals I needed to make a city-wide memory wipe.

[whiteshroud]

[Even though he doesn't speak, if Varian listens, there's a sharp intake of breath from Jun as Varian describes what the leniency sentence was. Locking someone away in the darkest dungeon for the rest of his days is far from what he described as merciful.

And then Varian gets to the part about Andrew. Ah, memory magic. He knows that one well]

... I'm guessing it didn't work in the way you thought it would.

[droptheious]

[Varian catches the intake of breath from Jun, he can't really figure out what it's for, he's too busy trying to fight the self-loathing monster starting to rear up in the back of his mind. He's better than he was. He understands what he did doesn't make him a monster... but it's still hard to remember that, sometimes.]

No. It didn't. Instead, it created a bomb. A big one. Level a city big. Rapunzel had been away all that time, trying to learn more about the rocks. Her coming home made Andrew change track. He decided instead of the memory thing, he'd just kill everyone with the bomb. He'd just raze the city to the ground and that would be that. [ And Varian's invention would do it. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment.] I didn't want everyone to die. That's not what I signed up for. So I tried to fight against him and his group. I got tossed in a cell with Rapunzel for my troubles and left to die with everyone else when they dropped the bomb.

Me and Rapunzel talked. I... I decided to help her stop it. I had a means to neutralise the chemical used in the bombs. She and I got onto the airship they were planning to drop it off, but we were caught. Andrew nearly threw me over the side in the process, but we managed to overpower them and he and his people got off the ship... but not before destroying one of the balloons keeping it up. The whole thing was losing altitude way too fast, and I didn't have time to neutralise all the barrels with the chemical in before it hit the ground and took everything and everyone with it.

[ He fiddles with his hands, nervously.]

I... I knew that if I used the chemical under the remaining balloon's burner, it would give the ship enough lift that I could get it clear of the island. But I also knew it would explode with that level of heat. I... I asked Rapunzel to let me stay on the ship. To get that done. I wanted to fix the mess I made and between the two of us it wasn't like I had anything left to live for.

[whiteshroud]

[Jun raises his eyebrow and will actually look at Varian for the last part. ]

Please tell me she said no to that plan.

[BECAUSE IF SHE DIDN'T---]

[droptheious]

[ The look does catch Varian by surprise - he shakes his head.]

Of course she said no. She was really mad at me for even suggesting it, actually. She used her hair to drop me safely off the side of the ship and then used it to protect herself when it exploded. Everyone was saved, Andrew and his group were arrested again and no one died.

[Which was a miracle in of itself.]

While she was away, she learned a magical ability to free my dad. She did that and... let me stay out of prison. I spent the rest of my time doing everything I could to help her and the Kingdom. I just... I don't know, I wanted to balance things out again. Put good into the world after putting in so much bad. I got to save the Kingdom a couple of times and eventually the people of Corona stopped outright hating me.

[ He frowns, looking at his hands. ]

I hated myself for a really, really long time after that. Honestly, there are times when I still do. But it's better than it used to be. Yay, therapy.

[He sucks in a deep breath, holds it, lets it out. At least it was done now. Jun knew, for better or worse. He feels better for having told it.]

So that's that, and now you know. It was only fair you knew what you were getting into. And if you wanna cut and run after that, I understand. No hard feelings. I'm not the person I was back then any more, but that doesn't... undo what I did. So I get it if it's a dealbreaker.

[whiteshroud]

[When Varian explains that no Rapunzel had saved him, he breathes out the smallest size of relief. Good. He was going to have words if that girl had really been okay to leave him to die. He can't say he agreed with all of her actions but.... well, it's really not his place to judge that either. This wasn't a courthouse.

Jun doesn't respond right away when the story is at last finished. He needs a moment to assemble what he wants to say. But... he will use his telepathy to pull a glass of water from the table over to them, grabbing it with his own hand before offering it to Varian.]

Here. I'm sure your throat must be parch after talking so long.

[Because that really was a long story. Jun's not sure he's ever spoken that much in his life time. And... it couldn't have been easy for Varian to share all that.

He'll let Varian get a proper drink of water before he finally speaks his own piece. Partly to explain where he's coming from.... and partly because honestly? He thinks Varian could stand to hear it]

There's something you should know about gods. [That sounds out of left field, but stick with him] Every god, without exception, embodies a principle. It could be something physical like thunder... or an abstract concept, like contracts or freedom.

The Lord is the god of salvation. Mercy, forgiveness... redemption- all are tenets He believes in more than anyone. And it's those tenets that made me choose to follow Him over the other gods.

[He'll look over at Varian]

... Your past was never going to be a "dealbreaker", Varian. I felt that way before, and I still feel that way now. Because you're right. You're not the same person you were before. The Varian now is someone who has sought redemption, and now always tries to do the right thing.

That's the Varian that matters to me. You are so much more than your sins of your past.

[He gives a small smile]

Still... thank you, for trusting me enough to share it.

[droptheious]

[ Varian is glad for the water, taking it with a quiet "thanks". It's a long story, and Varian doesn't normally talk himself so much in one sitting. But it was one that had to be told, and now all he can do is sip his water and wait while Jun digests all that. He tries to push his nerves down as best he can - he doesn't feel like Jun is the sort of person who would take all of that badly, but it's still a lot.

Turns out, he didn't need to be worried at all. He should have known it would be fine, but it still takes him a little by surprise. He's come a long way from how deep his self-loading used to be, these days he can accept that he's allowed to be happy. But considering himself undamaged enough to be happy with someone else - to be someone that someone else could be happy with in turn? That had settled uneasy on his shoulders since Fern left.]

...That's- that's a way to look at it I've never thought before. [ Jun was right, he really could stand to hear it.] Thank you. That- that means more than I can say. [ He rubs the back of his head.] Honestly, for a while I kinda just thought I was a lost cause. So that makes me feel a little... less like that. [He offers Jun a little smile.] I didn't realise how much I needed to hear that.

[ It's a huge weight off. Maybe a year ago, he wouldn't have believed Jun. Fought against this idea that he was worth... anything. That he was a better person than who he used to be. But at least now he can accept the sentiment for what it is, and be comforted by it.]

Of course. I wanted you to know. It felt... fair. [He didn't want to spring this on Jun further down the line. Not with feelings getting involved. That could have ended up... messy.] Uh- not to say I expect you to share like... everything, too. I know there's things you can't talk about, and that's okay. I get that. Because the Jun you are now matters to me, too.

[whiteshroud]

[For a moment, Jun felt relief. Relief that he could bring solace to someone he cared so much about. Varian was a good person. He's seen that time and time again through the past few years. Sure, he's made some mistakes... but the work he's done to make up for those mistakes completely outweighed that. And really, so many of those mistakes were caused out of circumstances rather than a wicked heart.

But then, Varian keeps talking, and something heavier starts to settle in his heart. Guilt. Here was Varian, regretting so many his past actions and trying so hard to be a better man. Talking like Jun was the pious one. Meanwhile, here he was...

"Because the Jun you are now matters to me"

He looks away from Varian again, the guilt getting too hard to overlook. He can't keep up this charade. Varian was trying so hard to be a better person, he can't... not tell him anything. ]

... You're right, there's stuff I can't tell anyone. There's secrets I must take with me to the grave. But... [He clasps his hands together, shaking his head] If we're speaking of fairness, then it's only fair I warn you.

[He swallows]

Seal Knights... we're not heroes. I mean, I want to protect this city just like everyone else, but... my pact is to "do what needs to be done". Which... what needs to be done isn't always good.

Like... the mission's over now, so remember when Teresa stabbed me? [...] Truth is, I wasn't so much an innocent bystander as I made myself out to be. Teresa wasn't listening to reason. I knew it was a matter of time before things turned violent. And I also knew there was an assassin who had their eyes on her, waiting for a moral justification to strike. An assassin with a soft spot for me.

So. I decided to give them the justification they needed. I provoked Teresa on purpose, telling her things I knew would make her snap and attack me. Then, I made sure the assassin knew of the attack, saying things that I knew would drive them to act. They still have no idea I got hurt on purpose.

[....]

That's the Jun I am now.

[droptheious]

[ Varian's learned not to beat himself up too much for the mistakes he's made here now. Not like he used to, anyway. He's learned to accept that mistakes are part of the process of learning and so long as he doesn't create them with any real malice, then that would make all the difference.

He'd meant it when he said he didn't expect Jun to share anything in return. He knows between Krusnik and his past life and everything in-between, there were things Jun could never voice aloud. He understood that and would never push for anything.

But here he is, sharing anyway. Varian remembers Teresa. He's pretty sure the whole app will remember her forever. She was a poison that absolutely had to be removed, and here's Jun saying how he orchestrated just that. He's quiet for a moment, before having out a soft sigh.]

You're right. Sometimes what needs to be done isn't good. But you've still got to do it anyway.

When I was doing all that work I talked about? Getting back into Corona's good graces? A friend of ours took the Moonstone for herself, she was manipulated by a demon into waging war against everyone. I knew the weakneses in our Kingdom's defenses [ because he'd taken advatange of them himself ] and I knew she had to be stopped before she could get through them. I created a weapon using that amber to stop her if it came to it. Permently. Rapunzel could never hurt her friend, never... get her hands dirty that way. But I could.

[Because he'd already gone there. It's less of a strain on a person's soul when they've already been willing to kill to do it again, it turns out. He moves one hand to take Jun's, carefully interlacing their fingers, giving the other's hand a firm squeeze. Solid. He wasn't going anywhere. ]

Teresa would have escalated. Who knows how many people she would have hurt or even killed if you hadn't done that. You did what you had to do to make sure a monster didn't get a harder foothold against a city of people. None of us could've predicted what a mess that would've ended up being. You did what you thought needed to be done, even if that wasn't the morally squeaky clean thing to do. Sometimes... sometimes it can't be the cleanest, gentlest thing when you're facing against something like that. You have to get your hands dirty or push other people into doing it to make sure something worse doesn't happen.

There's a big difference between doing bad things for bad reasons and doing them for good reasons. Not a lot of people see that line, and I get that, but it is there. [ He offers a gentle, reasuring smile.] So, far as I'm concerned, the Jun you are now is still the same one to me, too. I'm not gonna make you feel guilty for doing what you had to do to save people's lives. You can do that enough for yourself, you won't hear that from me.

[whiteshroud]

[He wasn't sure how Varian as going to react to his confession. The self-hatred in him was already bracing for the worst, expecting Varian to get mad at the deception, the manipulation.

...He wasn't expecting for Varian to take his hand, to say words of reassurance. Acceptance. Understanding. He was clearly talking out of experience too. It wasn't just rose-colored goggles born of infatuation.

Jun lets out a sigh, relenting. ]

Quite the pair we make.

[He'll slowly give a squeeze back of that hand. ]

... Alright, as long as you're sure you're fine with what I do. With all your talk of wanting to be a better person, I was getting a little worried I'd only be dragging you back down to the shadows with me.

[droptheious]

[Varian certainly understood. Much like he could understand why it was bothering Jun so much. But here he stayed. Things couldn't always be perfect, nothing could always be squeaky clean. That was just the reality they lived in. Other people had the luxury of not getting their hands dirty- but not them.]

I'm fine with it, honestly. I can still be a better person while knowing that doesn't always mean everything is gonna be perfect and safe. And I wouldn't expect that of you, either- I still think you're a good person. The fact you're willing to do what you have to in order to keep this city safe only makes you more so, in my opinion.

[He smiles. So fucking there, Nightroad.]

Last time I checked, you've never been able to drag me anywhere I didn't wanna go, so good luck with that.

[whiteshroud]

[While he is happy that he doesn't seem to be scaring Varian away... He makes a face at being described as a good person, especially with the "more so" part attached to it.]

Uuuugh, aren't you laying it on a little thick? I impaled a guy, Varian. Like, last month.

[droptheious]

[ Varian waves a hand in the air, a smirk playing on his lips. ]

Last I checked, last month a lot of people impaled guys.

[whiteshroud]

[ #@$%

Grumbles:] Damn so many people being willing to kill here and normalizing it...

[He clears his throat, unwilling to throw in the towel]

Alright, you Victorian, how about this?

I'm not a virgin and it was furry wolf sex.

[droptheious]

[ Jun is clearly so mad about it and Varian is living his best life.]

It's this city, I don't know what you were expecting.

[ And then Jun says that and Varian just stares for a moment, before bursting out laughing. Holy shit.]

...Did you just use Victorian as an insult? And I mean, if that's your trump card, I gotta remind you what my dad does for a living. Horny people are what got me a Nintendo Switch for my last birthday. That's really not gonna fluster me as much as you think it will.

[Not even if it was furry WOLF sex, Jun. He examines the fingernails on his free hand.]

You're gonna have to do better than that.

[whiteshroud]

[There are some muttered words in other languages as he gets red in the cheeks. They are definitely profane words. He forgot about Amal's job. Dammit. ]

... Fine. I didn't want to resort to this now, but-

[He'll hold out his hand and activate his telekinesis. A freshly bought bottle of ranch flies over to his hand. Without a word, he slams it down on the coffee table in front of them]

[droptheious]

[ He was enjoying watching Jun suffer. That was a pretty heavy conversation, and getting back to the bickering was pretty cathartic.

And then Jun brings out The Ranch. Varian lets out a gasp, pointing at it like Jun had just put a person's head on the table.]

No. Absolutely NOT. We're not DOING this again! Why do you even HAVE that?

[whiteshroud]

[There we go, we're back to an even playing field now. Jun will now smile so sweetly. ]

Well you're the first white boy I've dated, so I thought you'd appreciate having it available if you need it!

[He says like he didn't just get them burgers and fries]

[droptheious]

[Varian does not smile sweetly back. He looks like he's been gravely insulted.]

If this place had windows I would throw it OUT of one. I don't want to eat your basic dressing! I HAVE taste buds!

[ The rudeness!!! ]

[whiteshroud]

[He fakes a thoughtful expression]

Huh, is that so.

[...]

I did see some "spicy ranch" at the grocery store. Do you want me to call Caleb and see if he can run some for you?

[droptheious]

[ Varian stares.

And then stares some more.

And then with his free hand, he reaches behind him to pick up one of the couch cushions.]

Sorry, Jun. This was a nice like, two hours, but I'm gonna have to smother you now. We had a good run. I know you understand.