Varian (
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
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Varian
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UN: hikari-vi | Text | After the heartless attack
But he will send a text to his boyfriend]
I'm fine, I went to my room. Just didn't want to get roped into any celebrations.
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Still, it is good to hear he's safe and sound. ]
Fair honestly. You know how they get. You want company?
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Only if that company is you.
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[ He understands, he really does. Neither of them are great at intense social situations, and Shroud's work drags him into them more often than he'd like. ]
Do you want me to bring you anything? I can get you a lottery meal if you're hungry.
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Just be careful. Someone might try to rope you into going to Five Guys.
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[ He really is not that stealthy, but he's pretty good at just telling people he's not interested in socialising, and that does at least work for him quite often. People know it's a losing battle with him.
So soon, Varian is knocking on Jun's door- in his hands two lottery meals, successfully pilfered from the cafeteria ]
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[Sure enough Jun is in his room. His shroud has been taken off, leaving with the dark inner suit underneath. Though even that he's removed the shirt so he can tend to some scratches he managed to pickup from the fighting. Nothing life threatening, stuff that'll heal in no time - but still the kind of stuff you want to clean and bandage.
He'll call out when he hears that familiar knock]
It's open!
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But coming to Jun's always makes him feel better. This room is as home to him as the place he shares with Amal, and certainly more than the one he uses here in Meropide himself. It's safe and comforting, and he feels a wave of that emotion as he steps inside.
He casts Jun a worried glance at the wounds he's tending to, but it's only brief- he can see it's fine, and Jun has a handle on it, so he doesn't fuss. Instead, he smiles, raising the food. ]
Soooo I got a Swedish Meatball Dinner or a Potato Stew! For once, it didn't give me pork.
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Plus, with Varian here? This room feels a bit more like home. Like the missing piece had been filled in by his boyfriend's presence. He's not entirely sure when he started feeling that way about having Varian here, but he's not going to dwell on it right now
He does grin when he hears no pork]
Oh, so I get a real choice this time! Though it'd be a crime to deprive you swedish meatballs.... so maybe we can split the meals 50/50?
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Sounds good to me. Those meatballs are really good. I'd be sad to miss out.
[ He starts putting the cutlery down, opening up the food packages, keeping himself busy. ]
How're you holding up, Liebling?
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Mm, I think I've seen Ragna making them from scratch. He's a surprisingly good cook- like our very own Gordon Ramsay.
[So much rage, but also good food. He'll grab a couple drinks from the fridge, before moving to sit down at the table. He pauses at that question, clearing his throat]
I'm alright. I mean, I'm relieved that it's over and everyone's safe, of course! [And normally, he would leave it at that. But Varian is his boyfriend and has been very insistent that Jun actually try to express his feelings so he scratches his jaw]
....But, well... it was kinda... enjoyable?
[He says like a guilty puppy. Look. He's a human weapon ok. He got so much fight. SO MUCH FIGHT]
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No kidding? I haven't really spoken to him a lot, he always seems... so angry.
[Which, coming from Varian is really saying something. He sits forward in his chair, reaching out so her can take Jun's hand as he speaks, absently playing with his partner's fingers. He does want Jun to be more open about his feelings, even if he thinks they're bad ones (especially then, honestly) and he's glad his boyfriend is opening up about them now.]
That's understandable. Last month was... a lot. And you were powerless for the vast majority of it. [Unaware, even. ] But this time? You could do something about it. You could fight and defend your home, your friends... me. It makes sense that would feel good.
[ He pulls Jun's hand to his mouth, pressing a few small kisses to his knuckles. He sees that guilty puppy look, he sees it only too well. ]
...You're so much more than Krusnik or the Orden ever wanted you to be, but there's still nothing wrong with enjoying what you've been trained to be good at. It might have... really terrible beginings, but you can use what you've got from them for what you want now. And you're allowed to be... to be happy with that freedom. It would never change the fact that you're more than that now. It's a part of you either way... what matters is what you use it for.
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[Jun certainly won't deny that one. He's been on the other end of Ragna's temper a few times. But still- he'll give credit where credit's due. The man knows his way around a kitchen.
But.... ah. He was half expecting to get scolded for that, like he's been in the past. Instead, Varian gives him understanding. He breathes out a little, his shoulders relaxing.]
... Thanks Var. Being able to do something was a big part of it. I moved down here so I could help keep an eye on Yggdrassil... and it felt nice to actually do something towards that duty. Like earning my keep?
And, I can't deny, I do like a good fight. The heartless weren't difficult, but their swarming tendencies brought upon some interesting challenges.
[Just like Varian enjoys a new engineering challenge, Jun enjoyed combative challenges]
I... just don't want it to seem like I want that to happen every week. I do prefer when the monsters aren't showing up in our home.
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[Sometimes a person can be a ragemonster and make really good food! Sometimes that can happen. He gives a small nod of his head. ]
Exactly. You were able to protect everyone here and even if I know you hate the gratitude part, people will be grateful for everything you've done. Even if you see it as a duty. But I'm glad you've had a chance to carry out that duty.
Oh yeah, they were tricky, and you got to try out methods of fighting against much larger numbers than you're used to. It was a real workout for you.
[He does get it, just because Jun's challenges were a little less orthodox than most others didn't make them any less legitimate. ]
Yeah, me too! But I'm glad you got to stretch your wings a little all the same. You did great.
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Don't remind me, I left before anyone had a chance to thank me. Hopefully the newer folks won't figure out I'm Shroud.
A workout is a good way to describe it. It's like I just finished a marathon. [He'll take a meatball to eat] ... Thanks, Var.
But what about you? Are you doing okay? I know it's not your usual scene.
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Don't worry, I'm pretty sure they didn't pick up on that one, I think you're safe.
[He skewers a meatball of his own, grinning. ]
Any time! And yeah, you've earned a rest.
[Ah. And then Jun asks how he's doing, the question he's been dreading. His smile fades, glancing down at the meatball skewered on his fork, not eating it. ]
I um. One of the heartless got the jump on me and grabbed my neck. I uh... I got taken right back to the spaceship and have a panic attack, so I guess I'm a lot less stable about that than I thought I was. [He turns the fork this way and that, brow furrowed. ] I wolfed out and bit Maxima and Ana.
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Varian...
[He'll reach over to touch Varian's arm, to show both affection and to help ground him]
You are stable, okay? What happened to you on the spaceship... it was only a month ago. And then to have monsters invade and try to hurt you in a similar way? That'd send anyone into a panic attack, so don't blame yourself for that.
[It was just an unfortunate accident, from where Jun was sitting. Mostly, he's worried because he knows how quick Varian can be to blame himself. ]
Are Maxima and Ana doing okay? I mean, Ana's been through a lot of scrapes so I'm sure she'll be fine, but...
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I- I know, but I, I don't know. I feel like I should have had a better hold of it or... or literally not bitten people while I was panicking. People shouldn't feel unsafe around me.
[ Jun has it right on the money, Varian is leaning into the bad habit of self-loathing again. He shakes his head. ]
I - I turned them, Jun. They started to get canine features... I... I didn't think I could do that, but turns out I sure can, and now I've just... complicated their lives completely in a way I can't undo.
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... ]
Varian... Ana grew up in Krusnik, while Maxima comes from a fallen empire. Becoming a bit wolfish will be a new obstacle, but it's a little dramatic to think you've ruined their lives.
[Is that cold and ruthless sounding? maybe a little. But he can't help but feel it's true.]
... We'll check in on them later. You can apologize for what happened, but it was still an accident. I'm sure they both will know that too.
[He'll slide his hand down to take Varian's hand, intertwining his fingers]
And you're not unsafe to be around, okay? We'll just look into ways to keep your neck from getting touched if we find ourselves in dangerous situations.
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...Maybe. But if they hadn't come to help me, they wouldn't have to deal with it at all.
[He closes his eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath, holding it. Letting it go again. Five in. Hold. Five out. It's a trick he's learned from therapy. It's not keeping all of the shadow out of his mind yet, but it does at least calm it, a little. ]
I... I did apologise when it happened. And I know they don't blame me. But-
[ But it doesn't stop him from blaming himself. He glances down as Jun takes his hand, feeling like he's latched onto an anchor. He gives his partner's hand a little squeeze. ]
Thank you. [ Because, again, here is Jun providing practicality when he desperately needs it. ] I just... I really hate this. I thought I was making headway, and it feels like I just... just took a giant step back.
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Maybe, but if they hadn't come to help you... something worse might've happened. They would've felt much worse if something bad happened to you that they could've prevented, I'm sure.
[Jun knows Ana already struggles knowing that most of the kids she knew in Krusnik didn't survive- that they died while she was away. He didn't want to add to that]
... I know. You never wanted to hurt anyone with this. [Which is something he can relate to so well. And yet...]
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... But, don't you think you're being a little hypocritical?
I mean, you still won't share who killed you on that ship. And I'm willing to bet you already contacted them to tell them that you forgive them, and that it wasn't their fault.
Are you really not going to give yourself the same grace?
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...I know. I know they were looking out for me... like, like we're supposed to there.
[ Meropide is a little family, and it stands to reason they would look out for each other. He can't feel bad that they stepped in to save him when he was in need. Were the situations reversed, he'd do the same.
He looks up sharply as Jun brings up his hypocrisy. His mouth opens to argue, to say that this was different, that the person who killed him wasn't in his right mind... but then, neither was he when he attacked Maxima and Ana. It's not an argument that has a single leg to stand on. His mouth closes again, and he turns his attention to glare a hole into the table. God fucking damnit. They've already well established that he sees Jun very clearly- for all his faults and all the darkness he turns in on himself. He'd managed to miss the fact that in the process, Jun sees him, too. ]
...They contacted me, actually.
[Said quietly, sulkily. Confirming Jun's assumption without actually saying it. He lets out a haggard sigh. ]
I'm not... good at that. [ He absently runs the fingers of his free hand on the tabletop. ] Giving myself grace. I think... there's still a little part of me that doesn't feel like I deserve it.
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[Because that's how they all functioned down here. They were a family, in a sense. A bunch of people who looked out for each other. He doubts Ana and Maxima will change their behavior, besides being more careful to avoid snapping jaws.
And oh... he has to hold back the urge to smirk a little at Varian's sharp look, because he knows what's going on in his partner's mind. The realization that Jun's able to read him just as well as Varian is able to read him. Turnabout is fairplay, his love. Still, he'll do his best to keep his face neutral. This really isn't the time to tease Varian.]
... Yeah, I had a feeling. [The hardest person to forgive is one self, especially for a man with as strong a conscience as Varian. Jun pauses, trying to think of what to do. ]
In my church, it's normal to confess our sins to a priest. And after we do, the priest will usually give you a penance task to do that expresses your regret and desire to do better.
I don't expect you to know any prayers.... but would giving you a task like that help you feel more deserving? I mean, I think you already deserve that grace, but...
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[And it was GOOD that they looked out for each other. It made it feel like a real community. It was...nice.
It's good that Jun managed to stifle the smirk- but he is right, turnabout is fair play. Once he's not feeling so salty about it, he can take a great level of comfort in the fact that Jun knows him so well. Maybe it means between the two of them, they can make one (1) functional person. And that's gotta be worth something.
He falls quiet, contemplative as Jun offers a solution. Prayers are certainly not an avenue he can go down, he doesn't feel that would be right. Just another lie. But the rest? ]
...I did do a lot of work in Corona to... make up for everything. I wouldn't say it fixed me. [Because there's no "fixing" it, just... making it slightly less loud in his head and heart. He understands that much. ] ...But it did help me think I... well, deserved the second chance Rapunzel gave me. So... yeah. I think that would help, actually.
[ Maybe some clean-up work in the fortress. A little hard graft. That feels right. ]
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