Varian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
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cawaii
Varian
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cawaii
no subject
...Hm. Jun's right too, and I think that's the roadblock we have here. There's no... perfect solution to this. Either he stays in the dark and if he finds out by other means, it can end really badly. I mean- look at how often this place puts people's memories or thoughts on blast through the spirit realm activity. It would take one therapy train or one labyrinth or even one person saying the wrong thing and he could find out in a really horrible way and the fallout would be even worse.
[He doesn't trust the spirit realm not to... meddle. It's good at meddling. He hums softly. ]
But on the other hand, like Jun said, if you tell him, then the chances are he will seek it out- curiosity is a very strong thing. And those memories would be rough to put it lightly. I mean, it seems like he's happier without them? But... it feels right it should be his choice. It's like being between a rock and a hard place - but at least if he's given the option for it himself, it would be his decision, rather than the whims of... well, anything else.
[ There really is no winning in this one, he scrubs his face with his free hand. ]
I don't think there's any way he can take it well if he learns it. So it's more... trying to find out the best way to soften that blow as much as possible.
no subject
No. We're not softening the blow.
[His hand holding Varian's will remain the same level of tension, but he'll clench his free hand into a fist onto his hand ]
You two are hoping to have it both ways. You want him to remember, but you also want to protect him from harm. Noble as it is, it's not possible in the long run. To be on this side of the veil is a lifetime of hardship and strife. Eventually, he'll have to fight his own battles, like we've all had to. You can't protect him forever.
[And now that the words have found their mark, he'll keep going]
You two are talking about how it'd be "so much worse" if he remembers things on his own-- so what? That's the fate of every non-isekai who comes on the app, the flooding of memories that are better left forgotten. And every single one of us have to find a way through it, usually on our own.
[Jun knows what he's saying is callous, possibly cruel. But he truly believes it's for the best. Sometimes, what needs to be done is to be a monster.]
What you guys need to decide is this: do you think he can really survive in our side of the world on his own? If he was left on his own, will he be able to learn to stand on his own?
Because if you truly don't think he can, if you truly think he's too weak to hold his own, then the answer is we find a way to make sure he never remembers. We wouldn't be doing him any favors by giving him a choice.
CW: allusions to death, unethical medical experimentation, and generally dark topics
I don't want to shield Luke from his memories. That's not what I'm suggesting, though I can see that it might come off that way.
I'm suggesting he has people he can talk to about these things. People he can feel safe enough to ask questions and help process it all. It's not a weakness to ask people for help. We had to survive on our own because we had to... but, after being free from the facility, I wouldn't have survived even a month if not for being extremely lucky by having someone help me get back on my feet in a normal society.
[He crosses his arms.]
I believe Luke is strong enough to handle those memories, but he's going to need support. Because he's not just going to remember Krusnik. He's also going to remember his past life on top of that, which means he's going to need to process both at the same time all at once. That's a lot. If I'd been in Luke's shoes, remembering the torture Krusnik put me through on top of the fact that I was experimented on in the exact same way in my past life as a sacrifice for progress all alone, I... wouldn't be here.
[There's a shadow of exhaustion in his eyes as he admits that. If he had to deal with all of that on his own, without anyone else to talk to or lean against when it got hard, Harumasa is certain that he would've died. He's strong, but that would have killed him and he would've made sure of it.]
no subject
I hate that you had to deal with all of that alone. That isn't fair. You deserved more than that. Every single person who- who's had to deal with part-life memories alone deserves more than that. You're the strongest person I know, but you had to do that alone. Which is what I'm talking about. We-we have the app now, there are people like you who have been through it alone, who knows what that feels like.
[He frowns softly. It hurts his chest to think about, Jun trying to figure out what had to be horrible past life memories on top of horrific current life memories. Just layers upon layers of awful that he had to face alone. He wishes he could have been there, to make any of it easier. To show him that shouldering all the pain alone wasn't the only option. ]
Because yeah, I agree with Haru. There's a community now. People don't have to be alone. They don't have to go through every agonising step alone. I can't say I know what it's like to have to deal with past life memories. I'll never have to worry about that. But I know I wouldn't have survived in this world alone, either. Not when I first got here and didn't have a clue what most things in this world even were. But I didn't have to be alone. I had a community all set to help me through it. Haru had that too, clearly. I... I sincerely wish you had, Jun. With everything I have, I wish you had. But you can help Luke now. It's- it doesn't mean he's weak needing help to cope. Do you think either of us are weak going to therapy? That it means we're not strong when we rely on each other? I don't think it is. I think being able to let other people help you is a sign of strength, not the other way around. And we're in a position to give Luke that- give... give him a base to work from so he can learn to be strong.
[Unfortunately, Jun's suggestion makes his shoulders tense up, his body like a coiled spring for a moment. Holding his hand, Jun would feel the mix of anxiety, hurt and shame coming off him in a sudden wave through their empathetic link. He shakes his head. ]
No. No, I can't- Please don't ask me to be involved in forcing his amnesia to stick. I can't do that- I won't do that.
[The "again" remains unsaid. He's used amnesia as an answer before - he got the king and queen's memories wiped, planned to do it to the entire kingdom. And then he had to watch the consequences of that, as Rapunzel had to connect to parents who didn't remember who she was, and the hurt that caused her. Because it was never just one person that got affected by that, it was ripple effect. He hated seeing it, knowing he was a part of it. He'd sworn to himself never, ever again would he take away someone's memories like that. He doesn't voice it. Haru doesn't know his past and Varian isn't comfortable to share it yet, even if Haru's shared something... really terrible about himself. He's not there yet. But Jun knows and that's enough. He casts his partner a desperate look. ]
If- if that's what you decide to do, please don't ask me to be complicit in it. If you decide to do that I'll respect it and keep out of it. You two know the horrors he's faced more than I ever will, you know what you're protecting him from. But I can't be a part of it. Not that.
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I'm... I'm not against the idea of getting help. I should've made that clearer. [Just to make that clear] I know getting help from others can be a good thing, even essential. But there's a difference between what you went through Haru, and... a guy who felt he should get a refund on tuition because he has to walk up more stairs to get to class. And it doesn't even sound like it ever occurred to him to disobey his parents, even though he's in college now.
Are you absolutely sure a guy like that is up for this? That he'll be strong enough to stand on his own one day?
[Because that was the part that he was less certain about.
Then... Varian reacts to the amnesia talk, both visibly and through the link. Immediately, Jun feels like the worst person alive, causing those feelings in his partner. He knew about Varian's own dealings with memory loss spells, and why it would be such an uncomfortable topic for him. Jun really didn't want to remind Varian of his past, or worst make him feel like he was repeating it.
...But at the same time, the ugly fact that memory loss spells were a common fact of life for Seal Knights, it sits in his chest with guilt. ]
Varian...
[He tries to think of what to say, but he comes up with a loss of words. There's not really an argument you can say when you can feel your partner hurting from what you said]
... I'm sorry.
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I'm certain. He'll stumble, and he'll struggle, but as long as we don't baby him about it, he'll learn. It'll take a combination of tough love and a gentle hand. It's going to be hard, though, I won't pretend otherwise.
[He sees the effect that the idea of keeping Luke's memories sealed has on Varian. He sees Jun reacting to that, too. So, Harumasa stands up from his seat and puts a gentle hand on each of the boys' heads.]
Hey, hey. Deep breaths, guys. I promise, Varian, we're not gonna do that to him. Even if that option was taken, never would we have asked you to get involved. And, Jun, you're not a bad person. You were angry, upset, and a little cold, but that doesn't make you a bad person.
[His keen eyes look between the two.]
Let's take a break, yeah? Emotions are high, we're all hurting and upset, so let's give it 10 or 15 minutes to cool off before we come back together to make a solid plan. If we need to give it a rest until tomorrow, that's also fine. How's that sound?
[It'll give the couple a chance to make their apologies and reassurances without Harumasa as their audience.]
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[ But that's the thing! He can do it! Eventually. There's another spike of guilt own the link as he sees Jun's expression. Worry immediately crosses his own expression, chasing away anything else. He gives Jun's hand a reassuring squeeze. ]
Hey...no, it's okay. You didn't-
[Haru interrupts anything else he might have said, as he lifts his head a little to look at him as the hand lands on top of his head.]
Th-thank you. I appreciate that and- and of course Jun isn't a bad person. That's never under question.
[Not once would he question that, no matter what Jun might think otherwise. He lets out a ragged sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose with this free hand, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. ]
...Yeah. Okay. A rest is a good idea.
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He breathes out, not feeling up to arguing with his boyfriend, instead mimicking his grandfather putting his face in his free hand as he does so]
Aiyaaaa.....
[Fortunately, Haru has the sense to realize to interject before things escalate. The squeeze of the hand and head on his hand brings him back down and he'll remember to breath as instructed. Right, okay. He guesses he was getting into that self-hatred spiral again. ]
... Y-Yeah, you're right. A break would be a good idea.
[He needs a moment to collect himself, so he'll give one last squeeze of Varian's hand before he pulls away]
I'm going to get some air, I'll be back in a few minutes, okay? I love you, don't worry.
[He says that mostly to Varian, because he knows of the two he'll fret the most. And with that, he'll teleport away. He really does mean it that he just wants some air- a chance to clear his head]
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He takes his hands off of the boys and gives Jun a nod with a small smile. Just to show that he's not mad or anything.]
Stay safe.
[Once Jun has teleported away, he looks over to Varian.]
Anything I can do to help you?
[Harumasa won't ask about the reasons behind the reaction. All he needs to know is that it caused great emotional distress, and he just wants to help Varian come back down from that.]
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So he doesn't think that's what caused the reaction. His mind goes to the only thing it could have been otherwise, his reluctance to be involved in any forced amnesia. That settles deep and uncomfortable inside his chest. It's only made worse when Jun says he's leaving. That this has upset him enough to make him go- even for a few minutes. ]
...Yeah. Love you too.
[Not worrying isn't on the cards, though. He knows, logically, that Jun is just taking a breather, that he's fine and he just needs a moment to pull himself together, but logic isn't what's behind the wheel right now. The self-loathing was already starting to gnaw in the back of this skull after the memories of what he'd done were brought back to the forefront of his mind. Nasty, awful words he knows aren't true about himself, but they whisper insidiously there all the same. Jun's reaction has only made them louder. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Then no one would have been hurt. He closes his eyes, working on his breathing, trying to block the lies about himself creeping around his skull like his therapist taught him.
Haru speaks and he opens his eyes, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arm around them as a self-comforting gesture. Unfortunately admitting how he's feeling right now would snowball into explaining why he feels that way, and he really doesn't want to do that. Even if he trusted Haru with it, he's not in the right place to talk about it right now. ]
...Not really.
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Listen. I don't understand what specifically happened, and that's okay with me. You don't need to tell me. Not now, not ever if you don't wanna. All I wanna do for you is support you.
[He pauses for a moment to think carefully on his words. This isn't something he wants to be careless with.]
Jun's not angry at you. Neither is he upset at you. To be perfectly honest, I don't think he's processed any of this at all yet. I asked him how he felt about Luke not remembering him and he completely sidestepped the question. So I do think that's playing a part in how he's been reacting.
However, the only thing I think he took issue with was the specific example you used to try and reassure Jun that Luke will be okay. That gave him a bit more doubt because he's on a level with math where he doesn't struggle with that, and knowing that Luke struggled that hard with it doesn't reassure him. I know what you meant to say, and I understood the spirit and intent behind it, but Jun... didn't. And that's not either of your faults. It just fell flat, so a better example needs to be used instead to illustrate your point. Like the fact that even though Luke failed all those times, he still kept coming back to your tutoring sessions. Right?
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You wouldn't say that if you knew the truth. [ It's said quietly, miserably. It only hangs there for a moment though, before Varian sucks some air through his teeth. ] No. Sorry, that's- that's not real. I know you would. Sorry, it's just- I'm trying to remind myself of some things right now.
[ That he isn't a terrible person. That he isn't an irredeemable monster who doesn't deserve to be loved. Because he knows those are lies his brain makes up to get at him. He just needs a break to remind himself of that. To tell his brain to stop.
His brow furrows as Haru keeps talking. Especially about how Jun is... not handling this. ]
Ah. He's avoiding his emotions again. [There's no anger in his tone, no upset. He might as well have said "water is wet" for how matter-of-fact his tone is. This is something he's very used to. Jun will sometimes choose to actively avoid dealing with a difficult emotion than dealing with it head on. He just needed a nudge in the right direction, the right support. ] I'll... talk to him about that.
[ Because if nothing else, Varian can out-stubborn Jun if he needs to. Jun is extremely stubborn, but Varian's got that in absolute spades. He can just poke at that particular issue until Jun actually talks about how he feels about the whole thing. If Varian had to guess, it's likely some negative emotion that's making Jun feel selfish or mean- something different to how his Krusnik siblings feel that's making him question his internal reaction to it. That can be talked out.
He listens to the explanation and heaves of a sigh- slightly irritated because he sure opened a whole door of self-loathing for that. ]
Well, yeah, that's what I meant. That he's tenacious enough to actually do it. I just- yes, he'll need support, but I can't see anything to suggest that any of you would stop supporting him. I- I don't understand where this idea that he has to survive the spirit realm is coming from. There are so many people who'd help him figure it out. He has a safety net to fail because there are people around him to catch him.
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Take your time. I can definitely understand needing to take a minute to tell your brain to shut up.
[Apollo certainly makes that a lot more interesting. Still, Varian seems to understand exactly Jun's situation and Harumasa relaxes when he says that. Some things haven't changed for better or for worse.]
Thanks. I don't think I'm the right person to talk to him about it right now.
[Harumasa listens as Varian says all of that. Thinking back, he does wonder if maybe Jun has held onto jealousy over Luke this whole time. In the facility, he took on something of a hybrid role as older brother and almost parental figure to the kids there. He's certain he's made mistakes, but he'd also been a child forced to be in a more adult role than he'd been ready to handle.]
Mm... back then, Jun and Ash had been pretty jealous of Luke when he came into the mix. See, Luke was a very timid kid. He latched onto me 'cause I was willing to protect him, and I didn't mind if he used me to hide behind, you know? But I always thought that something had happened before he arrived. Something bad. I never asked, though. It didn't feel right to open up any old wounds given the situation.
[He shakes his head to take himself out of those memories.]
Anyway, he was the kind of kid that let the other kids walk all over him and cry about it. A lot of the time I'd be telling them to stop picking on him. But Jun and Ash weren't much older, and suddenly they had to share my attention with this new, younger kid. I dunno if Jun got over it or not.
And maybe I'm off-base with that guess, but that's what his reaction reminded me of. When he accused us of shielding Luke from the pain... maybe that's what he was thinking about.
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Thanks. I'm... working on it. It'll take as long as it takes, I guess.
[He can't speed-run getting better mental health, as much as he'd prefer it if it were that way.]
That's okay, I can talk to him. He... he'll usually talk to me if something's bothering him, when I ask.
[ Varian listen's to Haru's explanation, and suddenly things become more and more clearer. He had wondered if there was something specific to Luke that had lodged deep in Jun's mind- something more than just the horrors they all faced in Krusnik. Jealous is an ugly emotion, it's one he's sure Jun isn't proud of. That... very much might have something to do with this. ]
Hmm. It sounds like he really did need a lot of help, which... honestly tracks with how he is now. That would make sense as to why Jun is worried that he'll always rely on someone. But if he does... that's okay. I know Jun never had that choice, he had to deal with so much alone. I hate that he did. I wish I could undo that and make it so he didn't. But all I can do is support him now.
[He breathes out slowly. ]
And... I don't know, help him understand that no one is gonna leave Luke so he has to work this out himself. That... that history doesn't have to repeat here. That, just like you did for him back then, he'll have the support here for as long as he needs it. Because... yeah, there's a big difference between shielding someone from something and being there to help them figure out how to deal with it. I think all of us want Luke to be able to learn how to cope with this than shield him from it like it didn't happen. He can... he can only learn and grow the first way.
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It's all any of us can do, now, for Jun. But I'm glad he has you supporting him.
[He'll be here, too, of course. However, his time is finite. Harumasa can only support them for so long, but he hopes that it can at least add to the foundation they've all created and make it a little stronger.
His eyes soften as Varian says that. It sounds to him like they're on the same page, and he's grateful that he seems to care just as much for Luke's growth as a person.]
Took the words right out of my mouth. His parents might've had their reasons for being overprotective, but it didn't do the kid any favors as we can see. [Harumasa shrugs lightly.] I won't deny that I've got a history of shielding kids from the worst of it, but those were only ever outside forces. When it came to the internal struggles and hardships, the only help I could give was by being there to listen and be a shoulder to cry on. The rest was up to them.
no subject
[ Unlike Harumasa, the one thing Jun and Varian have in spades is time. They'll outlive a lot of the city residents by... quite a ways. Varian's already decided he will devote his long, long life to supporting Jun, and he certainly has no plans to ever deviate from that.
He smiles, this time a genuine one, raising his shoulders in a shrug. ]
I guess not. But there's got to be a medium between "totally on his own" and "being coddled". It's just a case of helping him find that. It will likely take him a few tries, but I've got faith he can do it. He just needs the lesson knocked into him a couple times for it to stick.
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He glances at the two still clearly in conversation mode, and sighs]
... I had a feeling you two actually wouldn't take a break. Here.
[He'll set the drinks near them before taking his own. ]
Your names should be on the cups so make sure its yours before you drink.
[Because he knows two would hate each other's drinks]
no subject
Eh, sometimes a guy's gotta talk through feelings in order to wind down. If we had longer, I might've taken a nap!
[He gets up, stretches, and inspects the cups before taking the one labeled his.]
I'd probably still drink it, but that sounds more like a punishment for poor Varian. [He'd still hate the overly sweet drink, of course.] Thanks, Jun~ I needed something to wake me up a bit.
no subject
Y-yeah, sorry. I had some [ self-loathing ] ... stuff to work through. I'm a little better now. Haru helped!
[He uncurls himself from his ball sitting on the chair, reaching out to take his drink, before taking a sip, exhaling happily at the sweet taste. ]
Thank you, mein herz. And yeah, I definitely wouldn't have appreciated whatever Haru's drinking. No thanks.
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[Haru and Varian always preferred talking through things. Which... Jun didn't mind that, but sometimes he just.... needed some quiet time to process things out. Which he does seem calmer now.
With his own drink he'll sit back in his spot next to Varian. He catch the fetal position you were in, so he'll reach back with his free hand to rub Varian's back reassuringly]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trigger you earlier. Haru's right, even if it did resort to that... of course we wouldn't force you to go along with it.
[That was never a question. He also gives a shrug]
Besides, as I said before, I can see you two and Ash have your minds set, so I don't plan to go against that. I just have a different opinion, that's all.
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Opinions that have nothing to do with my childhood jealousy of Luke, which I'm sure you mentioned while I was away.
no subject
C'est moi? Of course I did~
[And then he smiles brightly.]
How could I forget how hard you sulked after I gave the little guy a hug once? I remember you sulking until I gave you a bigger hug than Luke got!
no subject
[Quiet time definitely doesn't soothe Varian, being alone is what made him spiral in the first place. No, what he needs is to be able to sit down and talk it out with someone - to anchor his thoughts down and make sense of them again, so they can't run away with him.
He smiles a little at the back touch, and through the contact, Jun will feel the comfort that brings him. He breathes out, long and slow, moving to lean against his partner idly as he cradles his drink in his hands. ]
It's okay. I know you didn't. It just... crept up on me. But thank you. I... I appreciate that.
[ He knows neither of them would ever force him into that plan- certainly never Jun. It was a panic he didn't even see coming himself, either. But now that worry is gone, he can be calm about it again. ]
...Thank you. And- and I get it. It's a rock and a hard place situation. I don't think either answer is a perfect one... because there isn't a perfect answer.
[Ooooooooh and the brothers are having a Discussion. He's not getting into that one, so he'll just eyeball them both cautiously before taking a long sip of his drink. ]
no subject
[As Varian leans against him, he'll move that hand to wrap around Varian's back and hold the other side of his waist. It is reassuring to feel that Varian's emotions are back to more positive ones.
And at Haru's clear amusement of this situation and willingness to drop such a childhood story, Jun will raise his eyebrow and say in a deadpan manner without any remorse]
Well yeah, because the kid was a thief and out to steal everything I had. My brother, my fairytale books, my cookies-- he even took my birthday. His birthday is a day after mine- December 25th. You were just blinded by how little and cute he was.
[It's. Really hard to tell if he's being serious or not here. But he'll squeeze Varian's waist in a mildly playful manner]
In fact, it seems ten years later he's still out to steal my stuff. Of all the math tutors available at the university, he picked my boyfriend? [He makes a "tut" sound with his tongue] If he makes a romantic move, I'm ending him.
[He shrugs]
But that has nothing to do with how I think Luke should be dealt with. I'm not that petty.
no subject
I was not blinded by how little and cute he was, though he was definitely that! You know why?
[And then Harumasa's quickly at Jun's side to pinch his cheek.]
Because you were so tiny and adowable youwself, mister!
[The mischievous cat will flee to the safety of his couch before Jun smacks him for that one, giggling.
However, now that that's out of his system, he'll be serious again.]
But, nah, I don't think you're that petty. I mean, you can be, but I know you wouldn't be petty about this.
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