Varian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
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cawaii
Varian
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cawaii
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[ But that's the thing! He can do it! Eventually. There's another spike of guilt own the link as he sees Jun's expression. Worry immediately crosses his own expression, chasing away anything else. He gives Jun's hand a reassuring squeeze. ]
Hey...no, it's okay. You didn't-
[Haru interrupts anything else he might have said, as he lifts his head a little to look at him as the hand lands on top of his head.]
Th-thank you. I appreciate that and- and of course Jun isn't a bad person. That's never under question.
[Not once would he question that, no matter what Jun might think otherwise. He lets out a ragged sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose with this free hand, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. ]
...Yeah. Okay. A rest is a good idea.
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He breathes out, not feeling up to arguing with his boyfriend, instead mimicking his grandfather putting his face in his free hand as he does so]
Aiyaaaa.....
[Fortunately, Haru has the sense to realize to interject before things escalate. The squeeze of the hand and head on his hand brings him back down and he'll remember to breath as instructed. Right, okay. He guesses he was getting into that self-hatred spiral again. ]
... Y-Yeah, you're right. A break would be a good idea.
[He needs a moment to collect himself, so he'll give one last squeeze of Varian's hand before he pulls away]
I'm going to get some air, I'll be back in a few minutes, okay? I love you, don't worry.
[He says that mostly to Varian, because he knows of the two he'll fret the most. And with that, he'll teleport away. He really does mean it that he just wants some air- a chance to clear his head]
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He takes his hands off of the boys and gives Jun a nod with a small smile. Just to show that he's not mad or anything.]
Stay safe.
[Once Jun has teleported away, he looks over to Varian.]
Anything I can do to help you?
[Harumasa won't ask about the reasons behind the reaction. All he needs to know is that it caused great emotional distress, and he just wants to help Varian come back down from that.]
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So he doesn't think that's what caused the reaction. His mind goes to the only thing it could have been otherwise, his reluctance to be involved in any forced amnesia. That settles deep and uncomfortable inside his chest. It's only made worse when Jun says he's leaving. That this has upset him enough to make him go- even for a few minutes. ]
...Yeah. Love you too.
[Not worrying isn't on the cards, though. He knows, logically, that Jun is just taking a breather, that he's fine and he just needs a moment to pull himself together, but logic isn't what's behind the wheel right now. The self-loathing was already starting to gnaw in the back of this skull after the memories of what he'd done were brought back to the forefront of his mind. Nasty, awful words he knows aren't true about himself, but they whisper insidiously there all the same. Jun's reaction has only made them louder. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Then no one would have been hurt. He closes his eyes, working on his breathing, trying to block the lies about himself creeping around his skull like his therapist taught him.
Haru speaks and he opens his eyes, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arm around them as a self-comforting gesture. Unfortunately admitting how he's feeling right now would snowball into explaining why he feels that way, and he really doesn't want to do that. Even if he trusted Haru with it, he's not in the right place to talk about it right now. ]
...Not really.
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Listen. I don't understand what specifically happened, and that's okay with me. You don't need to tell me. Not now, not ever if you don't wanna. All I wanna do for you is support you.
[He pauses for a moment to think carefully on his words. This isn't something he wants to be careless with.]
Jun's not angry at you. Neither is he upset at you. To be perfectly honest, I don't think he's processed any of this at all yet. I asked him how he felt about Luke not remembering him and he completely sidestepped the question. So I do think that's playing a part in how he's been reacting.
However, the only thing I think he took issue with was the specific example you used to try and reassure Jun that Luke will be okay. That gave him a bit more doubt because he's on a level with math where he doesn't struggle with that, and knowing that Luke struggled that hard with it doesn't reassure him. I know what you meant to say, and I understood the spirit and intent behind it, but Jun... didn't. And that's not either of your faults. It just fell flat, so a better example needs to be used instead to illustrate your point. Like the fact that even though Luke failed all those times, he still kept coming back to your tutoring sessions. Right?
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You wouldn't say that if you knew the truth. [ It's said quietly, miserably. It only hangs there for a moment though, before Varian sucks some air through his teeth. ] No. Sorry, that's- that's not real. I know you would. Sorry, it's just- I'm trying to remind myself of some things right now.
[ That he isn't a terrible person. That he isn't an irredeemable monster who doesn't deserve to be loved. Because he knows those are lies his brain makes up to get at him. He just needs a break to remind himself of that. To tell his brain to stop.
His brow furrows as Haru keeps talking. Especially about how Jun is... not handling this. ]
Ah. He's avoiding his emotions again. [There's no anger in his tone, no upset. He might as well have said "water is wet" for how matter-of-fact his tone is. This is something he's very used to. Jun will sometimes choose to actively avoid dealing with a difficult emotion than dealing with it head on. He just needed a nudge in the right direction, the right support. ] I'll... talk to him about that.
[ Because if nothing else, Varian can out-stubborn Jun if he needs to. Jun is extremely stubborn, but Varian's got that in absolute spades. He can just poke at that particular issue until Jun actually talks about how he feels about the whole thing. If Varian had to guess, it's likely some negative emotion that's making Jun feel selfish or mean- something different to how his Krusnik siblings feel that's making him question his internal reaction to it. That can be talked out.
He listens to the explanation and heaves of a sigh- slightly irritated because he sure opened a whole door of self-loathing for that. ]
Well, yeah, that's what I meant. That he's tenacious enough to actually do it. I just- yes, he'll need support, but I can't see anything to suggest that any of you would stop supporting him. I- I don't understand where this idea that he has to survive the spirit realm is coming from. There are so many people who'd help him figure it out. He has a safety net to fail because there are people around him to catch him.
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Take your time. I can definitely understand needing to take a minute to tell your brain to shut up.
[Apollo certainly makes that a lot more interesting. Still, Varian seems to understand exactly Jun's situation and Harumasa relaxes when he says that. Some things haven't changed for better or for worse.]
Thanks. I don't think I'm the right person to talk to him about it right now.
[Harumasa listens as Varian says all of that. Thinking back, he does wonder if maybe Jun has held onto jealousy over Luke this whole time. In the facility, he took on something of a hybrid role as older brother and almost parental figure to the kids there. He's certain he's made mistakes, but he'd also been a child forced to be in a more adult role than he'd been ready to handle.]
Mm... back then, Jun and Ash had been pretty jealous of Luke when he came into the mix. See, Luke was a very timid kid. He latched onto me 'cause I was willing to protect him, and I didn't mind if he used me to hide behind, you know? But I always thought that something had happened before he arrived. Something bad. I never asked, though. It didn't feel right to open up any old wounds given the situation.
[He shakes his head to take himself out of those memories.]
Anyway, he was the kind of kid that let the other kids walk all over him and cry about it. A lot of the time I'd be telling them to stop picking on him. But Jun and Ash weren't much older, and suddenly they had to share my attention with this new, younger kid. I dunno if Jun got over it or not.
And maybe I'm off-base with that guess, but that's what his reaction reminded me of. When he accused us of shielding Luke from the pain... maybe that's what he was thinking about.
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Thanks. I'm... working on it. It'll take as long as it takes, I guess.
[He can't speed-run getting better mental health, as much as he'd prefer it if it were that way.]
That's okay, I can talk to him. He... he'll usually talk to me if something's bothering him, when I ask.
[ Varian listen's to Haru's explanation, and suddenly things become more and more clearer. He had wondered if there was something specific to Luke that had lodged deep in Jun's mind- something more than just the horrors they all faced in Krusnik. Jealous is an ugly emotion, it's one he's sure Jun isn't proud of. That... very much might have something to do with this. ]
Hmm. It sounds like he really did need a lot of help, which... honestly tracks with how he is now. That would make sense as to why Jun is worried that he'll always rely on someone. But if he does... that's okay. I know Jun never had that choice, he had to deal with so much alone. I hate that he did. I wish I could undo that and make it so he didn't. But all I can do is support him now.
[He breathes out slowly. ]
And... I don't know, help him understand that no one is gonna leave Luke so he has to work this out himself. That... that history doesn't have to repeat here. That, just like you did for him back then, he'll have the support here for as long as he needs it. Because... yeah, there's a big difference between shielding someone from something and being there to help them figure out how to deal with it. I think all of us want Luke to be able to learn how to cope with this than shield him from it like it didn't happen. He can... he can only learn and grow the first way.
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It's all any of us can do, now, for Jun. But I'm glad he has you supporting him.
[He'll be here, too, of course. However, his time is finite. Harumasa can only support them for so long, but he hopes that it can at least add to the foundation they've all created and make it a little stronger.
His eyes soften as Varian says that. It sounds to him like they're on the same page, and he's grateful that he seems to care just as much for Luke's growth as a person.]
Took the words right out of my mouth. His parents might've had their reasons for being overprotective, but it didn't do the kid any favors as we can see. [Harumasa shrugs lightly.] I won't deny that I've got a history of shielding kids from the worst of it, but those were only ever outside forces. When it came to the internal struggles and hardships, the only help I could give was by being there to listen and be a shoulder to cry on. The rest was up to them.
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[ Unlike Harumasa, the one thing Jun and Varian have in spades is time. They'll outlive a lot of the city residents by... quite a ways. Varian's already decided he will devote his long, long life to supporting Jun, and he certainly has no plans to ever deviate from that.
He smiles, this time a genuine one, raising his shoulders in a shrug. ]
I guess not. But there's got to be a medium between "totally on his own" and "being coddled". It's just a case of helping him find that. It will likely take him a few tries, but I've got faith he can do it. He just needs the lesson knocked into him a couple times for it to stick.
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He glances at the two still clearly in conversation mode, and sighs]
... I had a feeling you two actually wouldn't take a break. Here.
[He'll set the drinks near them before taking his own. ]
Your names should be on the cups so make sure its yours before you drink.
[Because he knows two would hate each other's drinks]
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Eh, sometimes a guy's gotta talk through feelings in order to wind down. If we had longer, I might've taken a nap!
[He gets up, stretches, and inspects the cups before taking the one labeled his.]
I'd probably still drink it, but that sounds more like a punishment for poor Varian. [He'd still hate the overly sweet drink, of course.] Thanks, Jun~ I needed something to wake me up a bit.
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Y-yeah, sorry. I had some [ self-loathing ] ... stuff to work through. I'm a little better now. Haru helped!
[He uncurls himself from his ball sitting on the chair, reaching out to take his drink, before taking a sip, exhaling happily at the sweet taste. ]
Thank you, mein herz. And yeah, I definitely wouldn't have appreciated whatever Haru's drinking. No thanks.
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[Haru and Varian always preferred talking through things. Which... Jun didn't mind that, but sometimes he just.... needed some quiet time to process things out. Which he does seem calmer now.
With his own drink he'll sit back in his spot next to Varian. He catch the fetal position you were in, so he'll reach back with his free hand to rub Varian's back reassuringly]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trigger you earlier. Haru's right, even if it did resort to that... of course we wouldn't force you to go along with it.
[That was never a question. He also gives a shrug]
Besides, as I said before, I can see you two and Ash have your minds set, so I don't plan to go against that. I just have a different opinion, that's all.
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Opinions that have nothing to do with my childhood jealousy of Luke, which I'm sure you mentioned while I was away.
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C'est moi? Of course I did~
[And then he smiles brightly.]
How could I forget how hard you sulked after I gave the little guy a hug once? I remember you sulking until I gave you a bigger hug than Luke got!
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[Quiet time definitely doesn't soothe Varian, being alone is what made him spiral in the first place. No, what he needs is to be able to sit down and talk it out with someone - to anchor his thoughts down and make sense of them again, so they can't run away with him.
He smiles a little at the back touch, and through the contact, Jun will feel the comfort that brings him. He breathes out, long and slow, moving to lean against his partner idly as he cradles his drink in his hands. ]
It's okay. I know you didn't. It just... crept up on me. But thank you. I... I appreciate that.
[ He knows neither of them would ever force him into that plan- certainly never Jun. It was a panic he didn't even see coming himself, either. But now that worry is gone, he can be calm about it again. ]
...Thank you. And- and I get it. It's a rock and a hard place situation. I don't think either answer is a perfect one... because there isn't a perfect answer.
[Ooooooooh and the brothers are having a Discussion. He's not getting into that one, so he'll just eyeball them both cautiously before taking a long sip of his drink. ]
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[As Varian leans against him, he'll move that hand to wrap around Varian's back and hold the other side of his waist. It is reassuring to feel that Varian's emotions are back to more positive ones.
And at Haru's clear amusement of this situation and willingness to drop such a childhood story, Jun will raise his eyebrow and say in a deadpan manner without any remorse]
Well yeah, because the kid was a thief and out to steal everything I had. My brother, my fairytale books, my cookies-- he even took my birthday. His birthday is a day after mine- December 25th. You were just blinded by how little and cute he was.
[It's. Really hard to tell if he's being serious or not here. But he'll squeeze Varian's waist in a mildly playful manner]
In fact, it seems ten years later he's still out to steal my stuff. Of all the math tutors available at the university, he picked my boyfriend? [He makes a "tut" sound with his tongue] If he makes a romantic move, I'm ending him.
[He shrugs]
But that has nothing to do with how I think Luke should be dealt with. I'm not that petty.
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I was not blinded by how little and cute he was, though he was definitely that! You know why?
[And then Harumasa's quickly at Jun's side to pinch his cheek.]
Because you were so tiny and adowable youwself, mister!
[The mischievous cat will flee to the safety of his couch before Jun smacks him for that one, giggling.
However, now that that's out of his system, he'll be serious again.]
But, nah, I don't think you're that petty. I mean, you can be, but I know you wouldn't be petty about this.
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[He'd freaked out a little, but once he'd found a measure of calm again, he was okay. He knew Jun needed that, and now the self-loathing panic is gone, he can let logic back behind the wheel. He smiles, happy at the contact. After the burst of worry he'd had, this really was very comforting.
He makes an amused noise as Jun and Haru bicker - it's... kinda nice to watch, really. A return to normalcy. You know, right up until Jun squeezes his waist and gets all possessive over him. He lets out a soft little squeak, a blush crossing his cheeks. ]
You- you really don't have to end him, my head cannot be turned, no murder needed!
Please don't do this to me when your brother is right there.
[A whiny little message sent through their telepathic link. Jun please, they're trying to have a serious conversation. Please don't press his buttons right now. He really likes it when Jun does that but it's really not the time. Thankfully, Haru diverts all that attention by being an idiot. As soon as the words "tiny and adowable youwself" leaves Harus lips, Varian leans back against the chair a little, letting out a low whistle. ]
Bye Haru. Nice knowing you.
[RIP, you plucky idiot. ]
And no, of course not. You're not that petty. [But, well- it needs to be asked, and he knows there's less of a chance of Jun sidestepping him. ] ...So what is driving it? How do you feel about Luke coming back into your lives?
1/2
His brother backed away too quickly for Jun to get a handswipe in, especially with him holding coffee and his boyfriend. But-- as Haru thinks he's at the safety of the couch? One of the the throw pillows on a chair will levitate in the air, before getting chucked at his brother (15).]
Nice try.
2/2
Sorry. I wanted to make my position clear on that front! Luke better watch himself.
[How much is teasing and how much is deadly serious is not clear, but... he'll actually turn more serious now. ]
... It's genuine concern. The life we lead are dangerous ones. I've seen what happens to people who aren't equipped to handle it. And even if Luke never ventures into the Spirit Realm, with the state of the city, there's no guarantee the dangers won't come for him. And there's no guarantee we'll be able to protect him all the time either.
As terrible the circumstances were, Luke got a rare opportunity to go on and lead what most victims of Krusnik never do... a normal life. The kind of life my father kept dreaming that I'd have... before I disappointed him and ran back to supernatural the first chance I had.
[He sighs]
I just... I'd feel terrible if we brought him back into this life, only for him to experience nothing but suffering.
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Fortunately, he's only playing around. Harumasa sits up straighter and his tiger features disappear for the moment. He listens to Jun, and his heart hurts a little. Not having a parent in this life, he can only imagine what it feels like to disappoint a father.
But....
Harumasa looks down for a moment. His weary heart feels the weight of Luke's worst moment all the more strongly, now.]
... I definitely understand that. I do.
But do we know what happens when someone who's been Sealed gets this app? We could send him away, but he'd still have the Libra app, won't he?
[Will it unravel the Seal slowly or will it be fast? Will the Seal continue to hold back both Luke's power and his memories of Krusnik?]
There are... things in Luke's past life that I saw. And I get the horrible feeling that those memories are going to drag him into this whether we want it or not. If I leave it alone... then I'm just running away from what I did to get him in this mess, aren't I?
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For now, however, they have more serious matters to focus on. He nods, his free arm moving to wrap around Jun's waist in turn, giving him a gentle squeeze. ]
I absolutely understand that. Like... I mean it when I say that we'll do everything we can to protect him, and we will, I'm more than willing to help with that. I don't believe anyone should have to face anything alone. But you're right... we can't guarantee we can always be there for him.
[ He nods at Haru. ]
But Haru's right, too. As soon as a person gets put on the app, everything changes. I- I don't think there's any stopping it. His past life memories will come, he'll face dangerous situations, he doesn't even have to wilfully walk into danger. I sure didn't do anything to get stuck on the Event Horizon, that was just by the whims of the spirit vein. Just as much as we can't protect him always, we also know that... there's nothing we can do keep him from that danger.
[It's a Catch 22 no matter how they look at it. Varian breathes in. ]
Look, when I told you about how many times it took him to figure out math, it wasn't me saying he's incapable. He's tenacious. He could have quit at any time, he sure whined about it enough to make it clear he didn't want to do it. But he knew he had to do it to pass high school math. He might fall flat on his face many times, but he always gets up and tries again. And I... I think that's the sort of mentality you need to survive this world. His memories of Krusnik are awful, I don't even have to know them to know that. But I think with support to help him through it, he can manage them. And at least then you can offer him them on his own terms, instead of... whatever this world might do to pull them out of him.
[ He shrugs lightly. ]
It's the only option we have where we can control at least some of the variables here.
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Jun will.... shake his head, especially at Haru's talk of running away and Varian's insistence of protecting them]
Luke's not the only one I'm concerned about here.
[He'll focus on them one at a time. First, his eyes will fall on his brother- because he caught that]
Haru, you weren't the one who "got him in this mess". It was Krusnik. You were a child. One that had to grow up way too fast to look after the rest of us, one that suffered far too much to keep us safe. [Haru gave up his own freedom for Jun's sake, it's a fact Jun's not willing to forget] Which... I can't change the past, but at least now Ash and I are in a place we can support you as much as you support us. You can act your own age.
I don't want you feeling like you have to sacrifice yourself again to take care of a sibling that can't take care of themselves. I want you to keep playing D&D with your friends, or staying up too late reading fanfics, or even keep coming up with your stupid excuses to get out of work.
[It's why since Haru's come here, Jun's done so much to help his brother. After everything Haru's been through, after everything he's done for Jun and their other siblings... Haru deserved a chance to enjoy his life for his own sake- just like Jun's been lucky to do all these years. The eclectically-decorated room they were sitting in right now was proof of the life Jun's gotten to live for himself.... and it all started from Haru's sacrifice.
With that said, he turns his attention to Varian]
And you... my love, I know you better than anyone. You are so kind and selfless, you'll do just about anything to help other people- and without any regard to your own needs. But you are already doing so much, Var. I don't want you to collapse under the weight under the responsibility you feel towards helping Luke as he falls flat over and over again on top of everything else you're doing for everyone. You matter too.
[He bites his lip a little] Especially because... as terrible as I'd feel if it goes badly, you two... would feel much worse.
[Because he knows these two. He knows how much guilt they carry in their big hearts. ]
So... I get it. There's no way we can keep him from not remembering things, or keep him out of danger entirely. He needs a support network, I understand. I don't like it, but I understand.
But I want you two to give me your word that you won't give up yourselves to be that for him. That you'll put yourselves first when you need it. That you'll ask for support yourselves when you need it.
Do that, and it'll reassure me.
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