Varian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
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cawaii
Varian
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cawaii
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Hmmmm you know me so well~
[Oh, he can see Jun trying to move his hand with his hips, he clucks his tongue teasingly, rising his hand a little higher, just out of touching range. Any further tasing is put on hold as Jun takes hold of his free hand though. He stares at it on his partner's chest, feeling the heartbeat under his fingertips. As Jun speaks, Varian's expression softens. ]
...Jun.
[His fingertips curl a little on his partner's chest, before he shifts a little closer. ]
You don't need to be anything else than you for me, you- you do know that right? You don't have to take some other form or- or do anything special. Just you is what I desire. And... I know you think that's probably a cop-out answer, but it's the truth.
[ The hand that was on his chest moves up to Jun's cheek, cupping it gently, his thumb brushing across the edge of his cheekbone carefully. ]
You've spent your whole life being other things for other people. You never have to be anything for me than Jun Nightroad. I love you, and all I ever want or... or need is you.
[ He leans in to press a kiss on his partner's forehead. ]
You don't need to try so hard. Not with me.
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Well. That sure felt like cold water being dunked on him. And the way his body stills and the unhappy expression on his face says that. He hadn't meant anything that serious by his words, just reassuring Varian he's open to anything Varian wants to try. So to get his past thrown back at him, to be treated like he said that because he's a broken person...
It was kinda insulting, honestly. He doesn't pull away fully just yet, but he's looking away. ]
.... I was saying it was fine if you wanted a blowjob, Varian. I wasn't planning to change my identity for your sake. I know who I am, and I know you love me.
You have to stop treating me like I'm glass because of my past. Please.
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Fuck.
He winces, pulling his hand away so he can run it over his face. Guilt settles in like a heavy stone. He'd overthought that whole thing, put weight where there hadn't been. He'd made this into something it wasn't and hurt Jun in the process.]
I'm sorry. [That's important to say first. He knows that much. ] I didn't- I didn't mean to treat you like you were glass. I just... I overthought it. I read that wrong and I was worried you were gonna... I don't know do something you might not be all on board for just for me when I don't-
[He stops himself from saying "deserve it", but it hangs there all the same. He pushes it to the back of his mind. He doesn't want to make this about him. He's upset his partner and that's all that matters right now. ]
...You're right, sometimes I do worry about your past. I worry about how it's... it's hurt you and shaped you and I- I guess I get scared sometimes about using you? Like... the last thing I ever want is you feeling used. Especially by me. But... you're right. You're your own person and you know your own limits and... and I need to respect that. I'm sorry. [He'll say it again, and then because he really does mean it:] I promise I'll try to do better.
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... Let me finish that sentence for you. [He'll change his voice to sound just like Varian's, so Varian can hear what it sounds like:] "I don't know do something you might not be all on board for just for me when I don't deserve it."
[He'll let that hang in the air for a moment before he switches back to his own voice.]
Yes, I have a bad past. Yes, people have used me and some will probably try to use me again. But... if the people who want to use me, it's for my powers and my connection to the Holy Spirit. It's got nothing to do with sex or any of the stuff we do, so it'd take a lot for me to feel used in that manner. It'd take... frankly? Behaviors I don't think you're capable of.
[Because Varian is a good man and nothing like the horror stories of boyfriends he's read online.
He breathes out a little. He can tell Varian feels guilty, and he can tell that promise is a big deal. He feels bad hearing Varian immediately going into guilt mode. But... ]
...Var, if you want to keep that promise, I think you need to stop avoiding the root of the issue.
You keep trying to push my needs first because you don't believe you deserve your needs met. That's what this is about, isn't it?
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But another part is terrified, because it means having someone who'll make him face the aforementioned bullshit. Something, logically, he knows he desperately needs, but it doesn't make it any less daunting.]
...Sure does feel different hearing it like that.
[ In his own voice, he means. He folds his hands together, then unfolds them, playing nervously with his fingers, uneasy as Jun speaks. He knows Jun is right there, too. Maybe a few years ago, he would have bitterly said that he was exactly the sort of person who would hurt him. Use him. But he's recovered enough to know that is patently untrue. That he's not the monster he once believed himself to be. ]
Of course I wouldn't. I'd never knowingly hurt or use you. I just- worry I'll do it without meaning it. Sometimes.
[But that's not really the heart of the issue, and once again, Jun has got him bang to rights. Varian exhales, slow and shaky. He pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. ]
Sorry. I know... I know that's- I know it's a stupid way of thinking, and I do know it's not true. I've been working really hard on that, and I do understand it's... not actually like that.
[He's spent a ridiculous number of hours in therapy banging against that particular brick wall. He is at a point now where he can accept what he thinks about himself in his own head isn't true. It never has been. Not really. He frowns, hugging an arm around himself, looking at the ground. ]
...But understanding and believing are different things. I'm- I'm still working on that one. [ It was a lot easier to keep believing the lies he tells himself previously. Only Amal could really catch him out on it and he's a lot less confrontational than Jun is. Jun is much more likely to call him out on it.] I'm just not... good at that. Putting my needs first. When you ask me what I want, I don't... really know how to answer because I don't- I don't do that.
[ Because deep down, as much as he knows he does deserve that, he still doesn't quite believe he does.]
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... I'm sure it does. It feels different when someone you love is saying it about themselves too.
[Because that's what Jun has to hear. Varian tear himself down just so easily. Jun wasn't exactly the best when it came to loving himself, but to hear Varian hate himself.... he didn't like it one bit.
He pause for a moment, thinking of how to respond. He can tell that Varian is struggling with this. And it's not like he wants to make it worse. ]
Var... [He'll reach over to take one of his hands] I know it's difficult to believe. It's okay if you're not good at it, or if you don't know the answer right away. It's something we both need to work on. But I do want to hear your input.
Just... trust in me, okay? If I don't want to do something, or you do something to hurt me- I promise I'll say so.
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He winces when Jun points out what it's like to hear it from someone who loves him. That's been part of his therapy, too, trying to understand how it would feel for the people who loved him to hear him tear himself down. And now here it was, plain as day. ]
...I'm sorry. I know it's gotta be hard to hear. I know it's something I've gotta get better at.
[Varian lets Jun take his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as he does so. Because as always, Jun just pick up all his damage, holds it up to the light and tells him that it's okay that it's so damaged. Varian may still struggle with accepting he deserves good things, but he is forever grateful that the universe saw fit to give him Jun. ]
Okay. I- I think I can do that. [He manages a little smile. ] Thank you for being so patient with me. You- you really do mean the world to me, y'know? I'll... I'll work on being more confident at telling you what I want. And knowing you'll... you'll tell me if you don't want it. And I trust you, I really do.
[And he trusts the promise being made to him here. ]
...And I'll stop treating you like you need to be protected from everything. That... that wasn't fair of me, and I'm sorry about that. I'll do better.
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... Hey, you're just as patient with me. [He knows he has his bad days. Jun will give a gentle squeeze back] And I know you love me. You've shown me in countless ways how much you love me. It's why I'm comfortable enough to do so many things with you, because I feel safe when I'm with you.
Also, I accept your apology. You meant well, I know that. Mistakes are going to happen. So you can stop apologizing, alright?
[In other words, stop beating yourself up]
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His smile softens, a little lopsided and goofy, his chest fluttering at the comment. ]
Really? Good, I... I definitely want you to feel safe with me. And I feel safe with you too. I know anything I did end up coming with, I'd be completely safe with you.
[Still, he accepts the request with a nod. He knows he doesn't need to apologise so much, even if he feels a compulsive need to do it more often than not. ]
I'll try to remember that, too. You're always welcome to threaten me with the ranch if I apologise too much, that's fair. You never know, it might actually sink in better.
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Nuh uh. The ranch must be used sparingly, or it'll lose effectiveness. I think I'll just settle for gentle reminders.
[Still, it's flattering to hear that Varian feels safe with him too. He'll turn back towards him, inching a bit closer once more so they're in cuddling proximity again.]
Ha... yeah. The worst I'll tell you is no. As for figuring out what you want, if you really don't know... we could always try with starting small.
no subject
[ It's said teasingly, the nervous, unhappy energy starting to dissipate again. As Jun moves a little closer, his free hand reaches out to brush gently through Jun's hair. ]
That's fair. I can definitely live with that. [He hums softly. ] Small is good. Maybe give me like... options or something... while I figure it out. Let me walk before I run, y'know?
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[He says teasingly as well, giving a smile at Varian]
I think I can work with options. And remember, just decide what you're in the mood for at this moment. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision.
[Don't overthink it, in other words]
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I will accept my fate with minimal complaining.
[ WILL he, though?? That's the real question here. ]
I think that'd be easier. Get me used to the idea, y'know? And yeah, that's... very true. I'll try not to make it a big thing in my head.
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Yeah, right. You'll do a lot of complaining.
[He knows Varian better than that]
Atta boy. So... I'll start with an easy one: human form or wolf form?
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Okay, okay, you got me, I'll do a lot of complaining.
[He hums softly, tilting his head. ]
That one is an easy one- wolf form.
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[He gives a small giggle.]
Knew you were a furry. [He says teasingly before he nuzzles the side of Varian's face affectionately]
Alright... then next question: who do you want to top?
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[The tiniest problem!!! He sorts in amusement, returning the nuzzle, glad for the contact and the closeness.]
Oh hush, you. You don't have to be so smug about it. [He doesn't, but he will. His hand moves again to brush along his partner's side. ] Not to give you a big head or anything, but I've been enjoying you on top tonight.
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[Exactly, he will] Oh really? Well, no promises about it feeding my ego, but I suppose I can do that for you again~
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A teeny tiny one.
[ He grins, leaning in to press a little kiss at Jun's jawline. ]
I guess I can live with running the risk of feeding your ego, because it is fun. It's worth it.
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Hmm.... More like that.
[He'll return his grin, turning and rolling his body over he's now on all fours over Varian. Teasingly, he'll scrape his claw on Varian's chest.]
Is that so? And what exactly makes it so worth it? The feeling of being knotted? The feeling of being dominated by your mate~?
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You are fair and kind to me, and I will take this.
[That happiness only grows as Jun moves over him, Varian's hand shifts, tracing along Jun's shoulders and down to the small of his back, arching into his partner's touch. ]
Oh, yeah. Very much yes on both those. What's the modern slang? I like to be stepped on a little bit. I enjoy you putting me in my place sometimes.
[ He raises his knee, slow and deliberate, so it can press teasingly against Jun's member, his grin widening.]
Only sometimes, mind. Because the other times I enjoy putting you in your place. Pretty sure you enjoy that, too.
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Glad to hear it.
[He shivers and arches his back as Varian's hand moves down his spin. There's a brief expression of surprise when Varian admits to liking being stepped on and put on his place- he hadn't expected Varian to admit that. But his face then shifts back into a smile]
You like that, huh? [While one hand is still on his chest, the other will move up to scratch behind Varian's ear- as if rewarding him for his honesty] So did you like it when I call you "mine"?
[He didn't see that knee coming, so he makes a surprised noise at him. Not that he dislikes it- quite the opposite. Without thinking about it, he's already shifting his hips back to rub against it. Canine instincts man]
Ah- [Right, words] ... Yeah, I do. It's really hot when you take charge sometimes.
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His tail wags as Jun scratches behind his ear and he leans up to nip gently at his partner's jawline. ]
I did, actually, I liked that a lot. [He adds a little pressure to his nips, scraping his teeth lightly against the skin of Jun's jaw. ] Because I am yours. All yours.
[ He's pleased with Jun's reaction, shifting his knee more, encouraging the rubbing. ]
Is that a fact? Good to know. Lucky for us we enjoy switching that up then, hmm?
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Ha- you know, I was actually holding back because I didn't want to sound overly possessive. But if you like that... [He'll move to start nipping at Varian's neck, all while that hand continues to pay attention to his ear] Mm, you are mine.
[He does keep up the rubbing, his erection getting harder as he does so. ]
Mmhmm... it keeps up in check, I think. [But he's not about to let Varian win, as he shifts his own knee to press up against Varian's member, similar to what his mate is doing to him] Liiiike, right now.
no subject
I do, no- no need to hold back. I like you being possessive over me, it's nice. Very welcome.
[Varian does love feeling wanted and that sure feeds into that in the best ways. He can feel Jun reacting to him, so he keeps it up. When Jun returns the favour, a needy groan escapes his lips, his hips rising to press against his mate's knee, seeking more pressure as his own cock hardens in response. ]
A-hahh. It- it sure does do that. [ His hand on the small of Jun's back slides down to lightly grope his ass. ] Speaking of, something I do still wanna try is that tying up thing you floated last month. Not - not right now, obviously. [ He groans, shifting his hips again. ] Buuuut definitely still on the table for me.
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