Varian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
droptheious) wrote2022-04-30 07:37 pm
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cawaii
Varian
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cawaii
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When both of them finally come down and the knot retracts, Jun will carefully pull out of Varian. His breath still heavy, he'll start licking the spot that he bit on Varian's neck to soothe it. He's quiet for awhile, until he figures out speaking with his muzzle]
... Thank you, Var.
[For agreeing to bite him. For giving him this]
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He nuzzles against Jun's new wolf ears, exhaling softly, his fingers brushing gently through Jun's fur on his back. Soothingly, affectionately. ]
Always. I love you, Jun.
[So Jun doesn't have to keep holding him up, he carefully unclasps his legs around his lover's waist, lowering himself wobbily to his feet again. His hand moves to slide under Jun's jawline, brushing over the fur there. ]
How do you feel?
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... Good. No, better than good.
[Even as Varian returns to his feet, Jun remains close, nuzzling the underside of Varian's chin in return. His words are a bit slower, but he's clearly getting more comfortable with talking as he keeps going]
This might sound strange, but... I feel like by becoming a wolf, it let me connect with you on a whole other level. You know what I mean?
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Yeah, absolutely. It felt a lot... more this time. It felt... like it should be. I really liked it.
[He nuzzles at Jun again, breathing in his scent, his tail wagging idly as his mate's scent invades his senses. He gently nips at those ears. ]
This was a great idea.
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I feel the same. Maybe by changing me so willingly, we... triggered something in us. That's how it felt, at least.
[That's the best way to describe it. He'll continue to nuzzle against Varian, his tag wagging when Varian compliments his idea]
Ha.... how long do you think we could get away staying out here? Full moon's not that far away...
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Hmmmm, that makes sense. I definitely didn't feel anything like that with the others. No... connection or anything like that. This felt... deeper.
[A strengthening of their bond that's hard to put into words. He chuckles at the question, returning the nuzzling, adoring the closeness. ]
We probably should be there to help The Duke with the repairs to the fortress.
[ Very human responsibilities that they probably should see to. ]
But... it's really tempting to just stay out here. Like this. Just... just us.
[To put aside those human responsibilities and indulge in the wolf instincts. To just live in the forest for a little while, where they don't have to worry about anything and can just enjoy being together. It's so very tempting. ]
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Well, those were on accident. And the situations were pretty different from this.
[Freaking out during a monster attack is different from getting intimate with your partner in the woods- go figure.
But ah, right. The repairs. He'll makes a huff sound, but he is thankful that someone is willing to focus on their duties.]
Yeah.... you're probably right. I should probably check on the greenhouse, and you are the best man for the repair jobs.
[Responsibilities suck, but Jun understands they need to be done. No matter how tempting it is to stay out here. ]
... We can stay out here tonight though. I doubt anyone's going to be looking for us until morning.
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...Yeah, that's fair. That was a... mess. This felt.. better. Right.
[ Who would have realised that! What a surprise! He chuckles softly at Jun's huff, nuzzling his muzzle gently into the ruff of his partner's neck. ]
Unfortunately, yeah, I am. Sorry, mein herz, this is the downside of being responsible adults.
[ They have to go and make their home functional again. He smiles, settling his muzzle under Jun's, nestling in close. ]
We'll be okay tonight- they saw we got out of the fight fine, and everyone's probably resting up by now. Or partying. And hey, we've got the full moon, still- like you said, it's not that far away, we can come out here again then. Then we can have the whole time to ourselves.
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Haha, it was easily the most enjoyable transformation I've ever done. [No contest really] ... On every level of my being, I love you.
[He snorts and gives a "yeah yeah" at the responsible adults remarks. He knows, he knows!! He is a duty-bound person too. It's just you know, he's also a young man who wants to slack off with his boyfriend]
That's true, I guess being good and waiting will make it all the better. [He chuckles a little, clawed fingers gently tracing lines on Varian's lower abdomen teasingly] Considering it's a shadow month, something tells me you're going to need lots of time and attention.
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[ He chuckles lightly at the snort. Honestly, slacking off with his boyfriend sounds like a much more inviting prospect than the hard graft in the fortress that they have ahead of them. But needs must. ]
I'm sure the anticipation will add to it. [He shivers at the touch, his hand moving to trace Jun's hip, leaning in to nuzzle at those ears of his. ] Hmmmmmmm. I fully anticipate me not being able to keep my hands off you. Better make sure you're well rested because we will not be getting much sleep.
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[His tone is flirty, but there's no pressure to it. They've had a long week and he knows Varian doesn't quite have Seal Knight stamina.
He'll snicker at that, stretching back a little so Varian's hand has more space to explore] Ohhh, I'll make sure to get a full 8 hours and a hot meal, don't worry. Wouldn't want to tire out on you too early.
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[ They have had a long week, but if nothing else, Varian is eighteen and sometimes his hormones just take the wheel for him. He can feel the wolf in his head pushing in, wanting more.
He takes advantage of Jun stretching, his clawed fingers following the line of Jun's hip, to settle at his inner thighs. He grins, leaning in to nip at his partner's throat with gentle, playful scrapes of his teeth.]
It means a lot of me that you're being serious in your prep for this. [ His fingers trail a little more into his inner thigh, teasing, close to his member but not touching it. ] I can return the favour in December.
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[If they only had tonight before they had to return to their responsibilities, it'd be a shame to waste it by going to sleep right away.
And boy can he feel that hand on the inside of his thigh. He makes a whine sound as he shifts his hips a little, hoping to get it moved onto his member. ]
Var, this isn't a favor. I like spending the full moon with you. In fact... [He'll reach over to grab Varian's free hand, moving it up so the palm is resting against one of Jun's breast. He can feel his heartbeat.]
Any desire you have? I'll fulfill it. Same if there's any form you'd like me to take, I can do that too. Like, if there's truly something I don't want to do, I'll say no. But...
How about that for the "favor"?
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Hmmmm you know me so well~
[Oh, he can see Jun trying to move his hand with his hips, he clucks his tongue teasingly, rising his hand a little higher, just out of touching range. Any further tasing is put on hold as Jun takes hold of his free hand though. He stares at it on his partner's chest, feeling the heartbeat under his fingertips. As Jun speaks, Varian's expression softens. ]
...Jun.
[His fingertips curl a little on his partner's chest, before he shifts a little closer. ]
You don't need to be anything else than you for me, you- you do know that right? You don't have to take some other form or- or do anything special. Just you is what I desire. And... I know you think that's probably a cop-out answer, but it's the truth.
[ The hand that was on his chest moves up to Jun's cheek, cupping it gently, his thumb brushing across the edge of his cheekbone carefully. ]
You've spent your whole life being other things for other people. You never have to be anything for me than Jun Nightroad. I love you, and all I ever want or... or need is you.
[ He leans in to press a kiss on his partner's forehead. ]
You don't need to try so hard. Not with me.
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Well. That sure felt like cold water being dunked on him. And the way his body stills and the unhappy expression on his face says that. He hadn't meant anything that serious by his words, just reassuring Varian he's open to anything Varian wants to try. So to get his past thrown back at him, to be treated like he said that because he's a broken person...
It was kinda insulting, honestly. He doesn't pull away fully just yet, but he's looking away. ]
.... I was saying it was fine if you wanted a blowjob, Varian. I wasn't planning to change my identity for your sake. I know who I am, and I know you love me.
You have to stop treating me like I'm glass because of my past. Please.
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Fuck.
He winces, pulling his hand away so he can run it over his face. Guilt settles in like a heavy stone. He'd overthought that whole thing, put weight where there hadn't been. He'd made this into something it wasn't and hurt Jun in the process.]
I'm sorry. [That's important to say first. He knows that much. ] I didn't- I didn't mean to treat you like you were glass. I just... I overthought it. I read that wrong and I was worried you were gonna... I don't know do something you might not be all on board for just for me when I don't-
[He stops himself from saying "deserve it", but it hangs there all the same. He pushes it to the back of his mind. He doesn't want to make this about him. He's upset his partner and that's all that matters right now. ]
...You're right, sometimes I do worry about your past. I worry about how it's... it's hurt you and shaped you and I- I guess I get scared sometimes about using you? Like... the last thing I ever want is you feeling used. Especially by me. But... you're right. You're your own person and you know your own limits and... and I need to respect that. I'm sorry. [He'll say it again, and then because he really does mean it:] I promise I'll try to do better.
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... Let me finish that sentence for you. [He'll change his voice to sound just like Varian's, so Varian can hear what it sounds like:] "I don't know do something you might not be all on board for just for me when I don't deserve it."
[He'll let that hang in the air for a moment before he switches back to his own voice.]
Yes, I have a bad past. Yes, people have used me and some will probably try to use me again. But... if the people who want to use me, it's for my powers and my connection to the Holy Spirit. It's got nothing to do with sex or any of the stuff we do, so it'd take a lot for me to feel used in that manner. It'd take... frankly? Behaviors I don't think you're capable of.
[Because Varian is a good man and nothing like the horror stories of boyfriends he's read online.
He breathes out a little. He can tell Varian feels guilty, and he can tell that promise is a big deal. He feels bad hearing Varian immediately going into guilt mode. But... ]
...Var, if you want to keep that promise, I think you need to stop avoiding the root of the issue.
You keep trying to push my needs first because you don't believe you deserve your needs met. That's what this is about, isn't it?
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But another part is terrified, because it means having someone who'll make him face the aforementioned bullshit. Something, logically, he knows he desperately needs, but it doesn't make it any less daunting.]
...Sure does feel different hearing it like that.
[ In his own voice, he means. He folds his hands together, then unfolds them, playing nervously with his fingers, uneasy as Jun speaks. He knows Jun is right there, too. Maybe a few years ago, he would have bitterly said that he was exactly the sort of person who would hurt him. Use him. But he's recovered enough to know that is patently untrue. That he's not the monster he once believed himself to be. ]
Of course I wouldn't. I'd never knowingly hurt or use you. I just- worry I'll do it without meaning it. Sometimes.
[But that's not really the heart of the issue, and once again, Jun has got him bang to rights. Varian exhales, slow and shaky. He pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. ]
Sorry. I know... I know that's- I know it's a stupid way of thinking, and I do know it's not true. I've been working really hard on that, and I do understand it's... not actually like that.
[He's spent a ridiculous number of hours in therapy banging against that particular brick wall. He is at a point now where he can accept what he thinks about himself in his own head isn't true. It never has been. Not really. He frowns, hugging an arm around himself, looking at the ground. ]
...But understanding and believing are different things. I'm- I'm still working on that one. [ It was a lot easier to keep believing the lies he tells himself previously. Only Amal could really catch him out on it and he's a lot less confrontational than Jun is. Jun is much more likely to call him out on it.] I'm just not... good at that. Putting my needs first. When you ask me what I want, I don't... really know how to answer because I don't- I don't do that.
[ Because deep down, as much as he knows he does deserve that, he still doesn't quite believe he does.]
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... I'm sure it does. It feels different when someone you love is saying it about themselves too.
[Because that's what Jun has to hear. Varian tear himself down just so easily. Jun wasn't exactly the best when it came to loving himself, but to hear Varian hate himself.... he didn't like it one bit.
He pause for a moment, thinking of how to respond. He can tell that Varian is struggling with this. And it's not like he wants to make it worse. ]
Var... [He'll reach over to take one of his hands] I know it's difficult to believe. It's okay if you're not good at it, or if you don't know the answer right away. It's something we both need to work on. But I do want to hear your input.
Just... trust in me, okay? If I don't want to do something, or you do something to hurt me- I promise I'll say so.
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He winces when Jun points out what it's like to hear it from someone who loves him. That's been part of his therapy, too, trying to understand how it would feel for the people who loved him to hear him tear himself down. And now here it was, plain as day. ]
...I'm sorry. I know it's gotta be hard to hear. I know it's something I've gotta get better at.
[Varian lets Jun take his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as he does so. Because as always, Jun just pick up all his damage, holds it up to the light and tells him that it's okay that it's so damaged. Varian may still struggle with accepting he deserves good things, but he is forever grateful that the universe saw fit to give him Jun. ]
Okay. I- I think I can do that. [He manages a little smile. ] Thank you for being so patient with me. You- you really do mean the world to me, y'know? I'll... I'll work on being more confident at telling you what I want. And knowing you'll... you'll tell me if you don't want it. And I trust you, I really do.
[And he trusts the promise being made to him here. ]
...And I'll stop treating you like you need to be protected from everything. That... that wasn't fair of me, and I'm sorry about that. I'll do better.
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... Hey, you're just as patient with me. [He knows he has his bad days. Jun will give a gentle squeeze back] And I know you love me. You've shown me in countless ways how much you love me. It's why I'm comfortable enough to do so many things with you, because I feel safe when I'm with you.
Also, I accept your apology. You meant well, I know that. Mistakes are going to happen. So you can stop apologizing, alright?
[In other words, stop beating yourself up]
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His smile softens, a little lopsided and goofy, his chest fluttering at the comment. ]
Really? Good, I... I definitely want you to feel safe with me. And I feel safe with you too. I know anything I did end up coming with, I'd be completely safe with you.
[Still, he accepts the request with a nod. He knows he doesn't need to apologise so much, even if he feels a compulsive need to do it more often than not. ]
I'll try to remember that, too. You're always welcome to threaten me with the ranch if I apologise too much, that's fair. You never know, it might actually sink in better.
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Nuh uh. The ranch must be used sparingly, or it'll lose effectiveness. I think I'll just settle for gentle reminders.
[Still, it's flattering to hear that Varian feels safe with him too. He'll turn back towards him, inching a bit closer once more so they're in cuddling proximity again.]
Ha... yeah. The worst I'll tell you is no. As for figuring out what you want, if you really don't know... we could always try with starting small.
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[ It's said teasingly, the nervous, unhappy energy starting to dissipate again. As Jun moves a little closer, his free hand reaches out to brush gently through Jun's hair. ]
That's fair. I can definitely live with that. [He hums softly. ] Small is good. Maybe give me like... options or something... while I figure it out. Let me walk before I run, y'know?
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[He says teasingly as well, giving a smile at Varian]
I think I can work with options. And remember, just decide what you're in the mood for at this moment. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision.
[Don't overthink it, in other words]
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