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[Usagi lets out a long breath, her shoulders are tight and tense. She stares at her hands for a bit and Lua, her margay, is there to fill them, cuddling her and purring, trying to soothe away the ache that someone claiming to love her but keeping her trapped caused. Too many times... she thinks. Not just her and how Diamond wanted her, wanted to possess her, but how Wicked Lady, Beryl, and Nehellenia all treated Mamoru. How they all claimed to love him while he was trapped in a spell.
She didn't doubt Maul did in fact love her, that was very clear in her mind. But now it was mixed up with Diamond's obsession. She inhales sharply, moving past it.]
He doesn't know, I've not told him. I don't intend to.
[Maul actually knew ridiculously little about the battles she's faced and the enemies she's fought. But even if he did know much more, Diamond was one of her unspoken traumas. Varian knew only because he saw Diamond's ghost attack her. Bella knew because Usagi and she talked about Edward's treatment towards Bella and offered each other someone who understood. She was pretty sure that was it on "who knew about Diamond and what he had done to her" outside of the girls.]
I've healed from the battle, his wrath aimed for my heart, I couldn't deflect it fast enough so I got to enjoy a saber through my shoulder instead. [But as always, she's completely healed. Her whole body has been ripped apart and put back together. The scars aren't there on her body so no one ever asks about the ones left on her emotions. She can't help but sometimes think about it, about the way she's been pulled apart from end-to-end.
Another long breath.]
He was doing better. He was... doing much better. So it got me thinking, I think whether intentional or not, that this is perhaps self-sabotage. [She looks off into the distance, the sounds of waves coming in loud and clear as she's nearing the beach.]
It's... easy to be a mindless monster, a weapon above all else. It's comfortable for him, in a way. He can have his rampages and no one expects anything else from him, when people retaliate, so can he, and the cycle goes on and on and on. No one demands better of him. Weapons, after all, do not have feelings.
Then you and I come along, others come along, and more and more of us see past his rampages. We don't retaliate, instead we try to relate. We know he is more than a monster or weapon. We see his feelings, we see him at his weakest, his lowest, at his most scared. We show him he is not a weapon. We see past that.
So we try to show him how he can be better. We see better in him. So we demand better from him.
But because we see past him and demand BETTER, we're so much harder, scarier. We push him out of his comfort zones, make him think for himself, make him reflect, we don't GIVE him the out "you're only a weapon, you don't have to think on your actions, just do as I say." Because we see the person he is.
[Whether she's talking to herself or to Varian at this point, it's not clear anymore. Maybe she's talking just to talk.
The waves are practically thundering now as she stands at the edges of the water.]
Being better scares him, I think. Because when he does get angry, when he gets mad and wants to hurt and maim, being better demands he not, being better says he shouldn't. And that isn't easy. Easy is solving your problems with force and well, the Force. So he goes back to what he knows.
He goes back to what is easy and safe.
He's not a lost cause.
I think he's just... absolutely terrified about what comes after he finally becomes better.
[That's not to say Varian might not drop that particular nugget the next time he and Maul are alone. Even if he's subtle about it. He'd rather risk upsetting Usagi by talking about this than letting Maul destroy her by ripping at one of her most painful scars. ]
So he aimed to kill you. [He knows what's that like. Unlike Usagi, he didn't survive his own strike Maul put against him. ] I'm glad you survived.
[He knows she's exceptionally hard to kill, but he needs to say it regardless. He's quiet as she talks, staring off-screen, brow furrowed. He knows she's right. He hates that she's right, but...well. It's pretty obvious. ]
But we're the ones he's dragging through the dirt every single time he does what he knows. What's easy. I don't- Usagi how many more times can either of us survive being treated like this? He needs to learn to just deal with it or - or face the consequences of not doing that.
[At least their last conversation has had an impact. On carrying too much. ]
Thank you for being glad I survived. [She smiles, grateful to hear someone is glad she survived. It's nice to hear after... everything she's dealt with. It's nice to hear after the attack from Maul.]
I don't... [Her breath hitches.] I don't enjoy killing my friends. [The fear of that Serenity enters her mind. But not just that moment, having to fight and kill the senshi, having to fight and kill Mamoru, her daughter... She lets the breath go.]
Varian, you are allowed to be hurt. You are allowed to be angry and to yell and scream. You are allowed to tell him "right now, I need a break." Or, if it is what you want, you can say "I'm done." If you feel done, say it. I will respect it as much as I respect Glitch and his feelings towards Maul.
[She's watching the waves, the water lapping at her ankles.]
If this is "enough" you have every right to walk away, Varian, and it does not make you a bad person, it does not mean you gave up, it does not mean Maul [And Varian] stop being worthy of redemption. It just means you need to see to your own well-being, your own health, and your own emotions.
Varian, you don't deserve to be ripped apart with flimsy "I'm sorry"s to keep putting you back together.
Right now, I think we both deserve to take a breath... and take a break before we break.
Like I said, right now, Maul needs to fix this on his own, if he has any desire to.
Of course- I'd be pretty...awful of me to think otherwise. Regardless of how tough you are, you're still my family. I don't want to think about you getting hurt like that.
[A beat.]
And no, I'd be worried about you if you did enjoy killing your friends.
[Glitch was definitely not the name to bring up and for a brief moment, Varian's face twists into a grimace. ]
Glitch is the last person who'd see it that way. He's made his opinions on redemption very clear.
[And in doing so a rift that may not ever fix has been firmly placed between them. Redemption is the one thing Varian cannot be shifted on and having it thrown in his face so callously has left a mark. ]
But no. I don't want to walk away. I- I don't think I can. [And she's well aware why- he needs to believe in this, in Maul's ability to be redeemed, or his own comes into question. ] But I just need...a breather. A little one. To try and figure out what this means. If he...actually wants to change or if he's just been lying to our faces and using us for all this time.
Thank you, Varian. You're my family, too, you know that? I guess I just get so used to thinking it's okay if I do so long as someone else doesn't.
[Because she can rapidly heal. Even when Deerington altered her healing abilities, she still healed at a ridiculous rate.]
Ah, yeah... he has. [She sighs, a bad example, but when it came to Maul, he was the clearest example. Though she wished Glitch would stop poking the bear as well.]
I need a breather too. [She offered honestly.] I'm... tired, Varian. [She whispered.]
I'm exhausted. [She took a step into the water, pausing, glad for how cold it was to help her clear her head, the waves now going up to her calves.] We've brought the horse to water. We've practically dragged him into the river. He would rather die of thirst, at this point, than drink.
To be honest, I don't think he's been lying about his feelings for US, but it most certainly feels like we rank lower than his grudges.
[She inhales sharply, reminded, immediately of everything his Wrath said to her.]
I certainly rank lower, to be sure. Maybe it's just as well. [Maybe it's why everything... maybe it's why NOTHING she does or says works, because he's just ignoring what she has to say. Her eyes begin to burn.]
I do know that, of course, I do. And it's not okay, you...you need to look after yourself, too.
[Healing or not! Because some wounds didn't heal so well. ]
Yeah...Fern said I need to take a break, and he's right. And you definitely need to, as well. I'm scared this is gonna destroy the both of us if we keep at this. Because he'll just drag us down every single time and then tell us he can't get better without us...it's just- it's an endless, vicious circle and it's gotta stop somewhere. And I think it's gotta be on us to stop that. I don't think he will.
[He'll just keep draining them over and over again until there's nothing left. ]
I'm pretty sure we all do. Maybe even Reaper. Maybe even Savage. He just- it's just such a thing he won't let go off and it doesn't matter who gets hurt while he's letting it consume him. It's...definitely time for us to step back. He needs to figure this next part out on his own.
It's hard, because my most powerful ability requires I sacrifice and give up everything. And I've needed to do it so often...
[She lets out a breath.] Oh, this won't destroy me. [Never mind that she's had worse than the nonsense Maul is pulling done to her, Usagi literally just... CAN'T let this destroy her. Nor will she.]
We've been a safety net... and... he's torn endless holes in us. So we need time to mend.
He won't see it that way though. And that concerns me more? I'm worried that this is going to feed into his self-justification to be terrible. We've both heard it endlessly, Varian. The... "what's the point of doing better if everyone treats me like a monster anyway."
And that we've stood beside him through all that won't matter. All he'll see is us backing away.
... But even if this won't destroy me, it doesn't hurt any less.
I know, but that isn't this. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for this. For-for him. Not when he doesn't even seem even remotely grateful or even aware of what you've done for him.
[Because that's the worst part of it. For nearly two years they have backed him and helped him- nudged and sometimes even dragged him into being a better person and in one post he spat on it and threw it all away like it was nothing. Like they were nothing. ]
But when does it stop, Usagi? How many times are we supposed to be in charge of him? That us backing away can be his excuse to be terrible? It's- we're being held hostage and it's not fair.
[He hugs his arms around himself.]
Because I'm not so sure this isn't gonna destroy me.
She wishes she were there to hold him, to hug him.
Ah.
A familiar sensation came over her. She's felt it... so many times. She can't name the sensation, if pressed to describe it, she would say it's certainty. It's... awareness.
But she lets out a breath and with it, she feels her age.
Not 18, but the thousands of years her memories give her. She feels her experiences. She can never know what Varian went through, but he can never know hers either. This doesn't hurt her the same way it hurts him because she's absolutely used to this pain. Mamoru, Chibiusa, Hotaru, the girls, the Amazon Quartet, the human race itself, on and on. Yes, they were all brainwashed by magic or reanimated corpses but that didn't make the pain of being hurt by them any less.
Maul hurting her like this is- it's not NEW pain, so it's upsetting but it's not... new. Not by a long shot. So when it came, the pain didn't hurt any less, but it was a familiar, if uncomfortable, weight. This... misery sat beside her like an old friend, greeted her with a smile, asked her how she was doing, and held her hand. This familiar misery would sit down next to her and speak and she would cry, and eventually, this familiar misery would eventually get up, bid her a fond "until next time" with a kiss to her cheek, and she would go on with her life until it was time again to sit and wait for this pain.
But Varian didn't, and shouldn't, know this pain, he should not become acquainted with this sort of misery, he should not learn to recognize its presence. She lets out a breath.]
Then... this is where it stops, Varian.
For you.
You don't deserve this, you most certainly don't deserve to be destroyed.
You have every right to stop here and now, and it does not make redemption any less possible for Maul, and it does not cheapen or devalue your own. [Because she knows that's where a good deal of his concern absolutely lies.] You and Maul are nothing alike. You are trying every day to never again wallow in that darkness, to never sink that low again.
And I know how desperately you want to help others, I encourage you to keep doing just that.
But if you break, then I will never forgive Maul... or myself.
You should not have this burden on you. And you've done an amazing job. It's okay to stop now, Varian.
If you want to let go, then let go.
You have every right to walk away from this and it does not change how amazing you've been and continue to be.
[Varian's worryingly quiet as she speaks, staring at the ground, his brow furrowed, his breathing sharp and uneven. He does listen to what she has to say, though, letting it settle in. Fern had said much the same to him, that it's okay for him to step away. That doing so won't make him a bad person, won't lessen the work he's done on Maul.
Won't lessen the work he's done on himself. He catches his breathing, letting out a slow, long breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. ]
I really needed to hear that.
[It's spoken quietly, tiredly. This has worn him down so much, he isn't even going to try to hide the fact it has. She got him dead to rights- as much as he's genuinely unsure what this means for Maul's redemption, he's really worried about what it means for his own. Like if Maul doesn't deserve it...well, maybe he doesn't either. Fern's told him plenty of times too, that this isn't the case. That he and Maul are very different people and as much as he believes his boyfriend, he knows there's likely some bias there, too.
It's good to hear it from someone else.]
I- I think I need to. Walk away, I mean. I don't think I can believe he's capable of changing anymore. I just... I think he's going to keep lying and letting us down. I can't keep putting my energy into this anymore. Not when he just rips us down every chance he gets.
[It's exhausting, and he can't do it anymore.]
I'm sorry, Usagi. I - I need to stop. I know you...won't, even if I wish you would, but I can't do this anymore.
And it's okay for you to walk away, truly. [She smiles, reassuring him it's okay to let go of something or SOMEONE for your own sake.] I respect your decision, and I'm going to make sure Maul respects it, too.
[Or Maul will find out what actually angry Usagi looks like.].
You don't need to apologize to me for taking care of your own well being, you never need to apologize to me for that.
And don't worry about me, this situation... I've been in much worse than this with people much closer to me than Maul. [In... almost ALL those situations, someone had to DIE to bring the brainwashed back to their senses or killed outright but hey! She's not going to be telling Varian that.]
I'll be okay. Take a breath, Varian. Let go. You've done more than enough.
I think you might find a fight on your hands with that one.
[Maul is going to have a tantrum. He's already exhausted just thinking about it in his future.
But he doesn't like this one bit. ]
Just because you've has this happen before doesn't mean I won't worry, and it doesn't mean you have to put up with it, either. It's not fair on you. I know...I won't be able to persuade you to take care of yourself on this one because you're worse than me for that. But just...please, don't let him tear you to pieces.
I know you're tough but everyone has a breaking point and breaking points here are...well, they end really badly for everyone.
Varian... [She sighs and tilts her head.] No, you won't be able to persuade me on this. Because, no, it isn't fair. I was never... [She stops. Se was never supposed to be reborn with the task of ruling Earth and the moon, protecting the galaxy, and constantly sacrificing herself. Her mother, Queen Serenity, had wanted her to live a normal life, wanted her to be reborn for a chance at happiness. So no, it wasn't fair. But she wouldn't trade it for the world. She had Mamoru and the girls, she had Luna, she had her human family, she had a bright future to look forward to. And a lot of that was fate and destiny, sure, but just as much of it was just her friends and loved ones being themselves. She nods. Not ignoring what he has to say, to some degree, she knows her limits, and Maul has not reached them.]
I'm not... I do have a breaking point. You're right.
But this is not it.
And it isn't fair. But I would not trade it. [Because someone has to do it.
It may as well be her, she's certainly willing enough.]
[He hates this. He hates that she won't back down from this, he knows she will just let Maul use her and use her and he doesn't know what will happen when she does break. If she'll even be able to recognise it when it comes. ]
I don't believe you.
[His tone is sad and tired. He desperately wants her to back away with him. To take care of herself and stop being so damn self-sacrificing. But he knows he can't appeal to that. So he goes for his last hope- logic. ]
What happens when he pushes you enough that you get corrupted? This- this place isn't like your home. If you can't do this for your own good, look at it this way. If you get corrupted and turn into a mindless monster, think how dangerous you'll be. Could anyone in the city bring you down if that happened?
[Even without the empathetic link between them, he would be able to tell this one cut deep, and guilt swells in his chest for being the cause of even an ounce of her pain. But this was a necessary evil. He knew if he hadn't have made her think about this, about the risk to others and not just herself, she would have let Maul use her until there was nothing left. She's too self-sacrificing to be any other way. ]
I'm sorry.
[For hurting her. For bringing it to his. He reaches a hand onto her shoulder, squeezing tightly.]
Just for a little while. Just so you can breathe. I'd never ask you- I'd never ask you to give up on anyone completely, that's not who you are. But you need this too. Being able to step back. Put a little distance from him before he takes away everything that's decent and good about you and just- just tosses it away like it's nothing.
[he closed her eyes and let out a breath, trying not to cry.]
I suppose it needed to be said. [She can only barely manage to get out. She wasn't sure she believed it, some part of her didn't WANT to believe that Maul could do that to her.
But wasn't he doing it now?
Could she even dare to risk it if she was this upset and all he had done was just yell and scream and throw yet another tantrum?
She lets out another long breath.]
No... no, I know you're right. I just... suppose I didn't think of it... ever getting to that. [But hadn't she been corrupted for literal months from October to December? Only able to get rid of it because of her talk with the girls? And now Rei was gone.]
I suppose some of it was my own ego, too. [She had been able to forgive Galaxia for all she had done but then Galaxia died. She didn't have to see her every day, interact with her, she had embraced Chaos and all the nonsense he pulled, but they didn't chat, they weren't FRIENDS. They were each other's cosmic half but they didn't sit at her kitchen table and eat together.
Maul was on a different level. His actions were lesser than literally... any of her enemies from home, but there was infinitely more intimacy. And he wasn't brainwashed or a reanimated corpse. His actions and choices were entirely his own.]
I guess I thought... I was strong enough no matter what. [Because she always had to be.
But why did she have to be now? Why did she have to just smile and say "it's okay" when it wasn't? "I'm fine" when she's not? Why did she insist on trying to pretend this didn't hurt?
Maybe not pretend it didn't hurt.
Why was she insisting it didn't hurt as much as it actually did?]
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droptheious) wrote2021-06-20 12:39 am
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cawaii
CW: Past sexual assault, scars and injuries
She didn't doubt Maul did in fact love her, that was very clear in her mind. But now it was mixed up with Diamond's obsession. She inhales sharply, moving past it.]
He doesn't know, I've not told him. I don't intend to.
[Maul actually knew ridiculously little about the battles she's faced and the enemies she's fought. But even if he did know much more, Diamond was one of her unspoken traumas. Varian knew only because he saw Diamond's ghost attack her. Bella knew because Usagi and she talked about Edward's treatment towards Bella and offered each other someone who understood. She was pretty sure that was it on "who knew about Diamond and what he had done to her" outside of the girls.]
I've healed from the battle, his wrath aimed for my heart, I couldn't deflect it fast enough so I got to enjoy a saber through my shoulder instead. [But as always, she's completely healed. Her whole body has been ripped apart and put back together. The scars aren't there on her body so no one ever asks about the ones left on her emotions. She can't help but sometimes think about it, about the way she's been pulled apart from end-to-end.
Another long breath.]
He was doing better. He was... doing much better. So it got me thinking, I think whether intentional or not, that this is perhaps self-sabotage. [She looks off into the distance, the sounds of waves coming in loud and clear as she's nearing the beach.]
It's... easy to be a mindless monster, a weapon above all else. It's comfortable for him, in a way. He can have his rampages and no one expects anything else from him, when people retaliate, so can he, and the cycle goes on and on and on. No one demands better of him. Weapons, after all, do not have feelings.
Then you and I come along, others come along, and more and more of us see past his rampages. We don't retaliate, instead we try to relate. We know he is more than a monster or weapon. We see his feelings, we see him at his weakest, his lowest, at his most scared. We show him he is not a weapon. We see past that.
So we try to show him how he can be better. We see better in him. So we demand better from him.
But because we see past him and demand BETTER, we're so much harder, scarier. We push him out of his comfort zones, make him think for himself, make him reflect, we don't GIVE him the out "you're only a weapon, you don't have to think on your actions, just do as I say." Because we see the person he is.
[Whether she's talking to herself or to Varian at this point, it's not clear anymore. Maybe she's talking just to talk.
The waves are practically thundering now as she stands at the edges of the water.]
Being better scares him, I think. Because when he does get angry, when he gets mad and wants to hurt and maim, being better demands he not, being better says he shouldn't. And that isn't easy. Easy is solving your problems with force and well, the Force. So he goes back to what he knows.
He goes back to what is easy and safe.
He's not a lost cause.
I think he's just... absolutely terrified about what comes after he finally becomes better.
CW: Past sexual assault, scars and injuries
[That's not to say Varian might not drop that particular nugget the next time he and Maul are alone. Even if he's subtle about it. He'd rather risk upsetting Usagi by talking about this than letting Maul destroy her by ripping at one of her most painful scars. ]
So he aimed to kill you. [He knows what's that like. Unlike Usagi, he didn't survive his own strike Maul put against him. ] I'm glad you survived.
[He knows she's exceptionally hard to kill, but he needs to say it regardless. He's quiet as she talks, staring off-screen, brow furrowed. He knows she's right. He hates that she's right, but...well. It's pretty obvious. ]
But we're the ones he's dragging through the dirt every single time he does what he knows. What's easy. I don't- Usagi how many more times can either of us survive being treated like this? He needs to learn to just deal with it or - or face the consequences of not doing that.
[At least their last conversation has had an impact. On carrying too much. ]
How long do we deal with that before it's enough?
no subject
I don't... [Her breath hitches.] I don't enjoy killing my friends. [The fear of that Serenity enters her mind. But not just that moment, having to fight and kill the senshi, having to fight and kill Mamoru, her daughter... She lets the breath go.]
Varian, you are allowed to be hurt. You are allowed to be angry and to yell and scream. You are allowed to tell him "right now, I need a break." Or, if it is what you want, you can say "I'm done." If you feel done, say it. I will respect it as much as I respect Glitch and his feelings towards Maul.
[She's watching the waves, the water lapping at her ankles.]
If this is "enough" you have every right to walk away, Varian, and it does not make you a bad person, it does not mean you gave up, it does not mean Maul [And Varian] stop being worthy of redemption. It just means you need to see to your own well-being, your own health, and your own emotions.
Varian, you don't deserve to be ripped apart with flimsy "I'm sorry"s to keep putting you back together.
Right now, I think we both deserve to take a breath... and take a break before we break.
Like I said, right now, Maul needs to fix this on his own, if he has any desire to.
no subject
[A beat.]
And no, I'd be worried about you if you did enjoy killing your friends.
[Glitch was definitely not the name to bring up and for a brief moment, Varian's face twists into a grimace. ]
Glitch is the last person who'd see it that way. He's made his opinions on redemption very clear.
[And in doing so a rift that may not ever fix has been firmly placed between them. Redemption is the one thing Varian cannot be shifted on and having it thrown in his face so callously has left a mark. ]
But no. I don't want to walk away. I- I don't think I can. [And she's well aware why- he needs to believe in this, in Maul's ability to be redeemed, or his own comes into question. ] But I just need...a breather. A little one. To try and figure out what this means. If he...actually wants to change or if he's just been lying to our faces and using us for all this time.
no subject
[Because she can rapidly heal. Even when Deerington altered her healing abilities, she still healed at a ridiculous rate.]
Ah, yeah... he has. [She sighs, a bad example, but when it came to Maul, he was the clearest example. Though she wished Glitch would stop poking the bear as well.]
I need a breather too. [She offered honestly.] I'm... tired, Varian. [She whispered.]
I'm exhausted. [She took a step into the water, pausing, glad for how cold it was to help her clear her head, the waves now going up to her calves.] We've brought the horse to water. We've practically dragged him into the river. He would rather die of thirst, at this point, than drink.
To be honest, I don't think he's been lying about his feelings for US, but it most certainly feels like we rank lower than his grudges.
[She inhales sharply, reminded, immediately of everything his Wrath said to her.]
I certainly rank lower, to be sure. Maybe it's just as well. [Maybe it's why everything... maybe it's why NOTHING she does or says works, because he's just ignoring what she has to say. Her eyes begin to burn.]
no subject
[Healing or not! Because some wounds didn't heal so well. ]
Yeah...Fern said I need to take a break, and he's right. And you definitely need to, as well. I'm scared this is gonna destroy the both of us if we keep at this. Because he'll just drag us down every single time and then tell us he can't get better without us...it's just- it's an endless, vicious circle and it's gotta stop somewhere. And I think it's gotta be on us to stop that. I don't think he will.
[He'll just keep draining them over and over again until there's nothing left. ]
I'm pretty sure we all do. Maybe even Reaper. Maybe even Savage. He just- it's just such a thing he won't let go off and it doesn't matter who gets hurt while he's letting it consume him. It's...definitely time for us to step back. He needs to figure this next part out on his own.
no subject
[She lets out a breath.] Oh, this won't destroy me. [Never mind that she's had worse than the nonsense Maul is pulling done to her, Usagi literally just... CAN'T let this destroy her. Nor will she.]
We've been a safety net... and... he's torn endless holes in us. So we need time to mend.
He won't see it that way though. And that concerns me more? I'm worried that this is going to feed into his self-justification to be terrible. We've both heard it endlessly, Varian. The... "what's the point of doing better if everyone treats me like a monster anyway."
And that we've stood beside him through all that won't matter. All he'll see is us backing away.
... But even if this won't destroy me, it doesn't hurt any less.
no subject
[Because that's the worst part of it. For nearly two years they have backed him and helped him- nudged and sometimes even dragged him into being a better person and in one post he spat on it and threw it all away like it was nothing. Like they were nothing. ]
But when does it stop, Usagi? How many times are we supposed to be in charge of him? That us backing away can be his excuse to be terrible? It's- we're being held hostage and it's not fair.
[He hugs his arms around himself.]
Because I'm not so sure this isn't gonna destroy me.
no subject
She wishes she were there to hold him, to hug him.
Ah.
A familiar sensation came over her. She's felt it... so many times. She can't name the sensation, if pressed to describe it, she would say it's certainty. It's... awareness.
But she lets out a breath and with it, she feels her age.
Not 18, but the thousands of years her memories give her. She feels her experiences. She can never know what Varian went through, but he can never know hers either. This doesn't hurt her the same way it hurts him because she's absolutely used to this pain. Mamoru, Chibiusa, Hotaru, the girls, the Amazon Quartet, the human race itself, on and on. Yes, they were all brainwashed by magic or reanimated corpses but that didn't make the pain of being hurt by them any less.
Maul hurting her like this is- it's not NEW pain, so it's upsetting but it's not... new. Not by a long shot. So when it came, the pain didn't hurt any less, but it was a familiar, if uncomfortable, weight. This... misery sat beside her like an old friend, greeted her with a smile, asked her how she was doing, and held her hand. This familiar misery would sit down next to her and speak and she would cry, and eventually, this familiar misery would eventually get up, bid her a fond "until next time" with a kiss to her cheek, and she would go on with her life until it was time again to sit and wait for this pain.
But Varian didn't, and shouldn't, know this pain, he should not become acquainted with this sort of misery, he should not learn to recognize its presence. She lets out a breath.]
Then... this is where it stops, Varian.
For you.
You don't deserve this, you most certainly don't deserve to be destroyed.
You have every right to stop here and now, and it does not make redemption any less possible for Maul, and it does not cheapen or devalue your own. [Because she knows that's where a good deal of his concern absolutely lies.] You and Maul are nothing alike. You are trying every day to never again wallow in that darkness, to never sink that low again.
And I know how desperately you want to help others, I encourage you to keep doing just that.
But if you break, then I will never forgive Maul... or myself.
You should not have this burden on you. And you've done an amazing job. It's okay to stop now, Varian.
If you want to let go, then let go.
You have every right to walk away from this and it does not change how amazing you've been and continue to be.
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Won't lessen the work he's done on himself. He catches his breathing, letting out a slow, long breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. ]
I really needed to hear that.
[It's spoken quietly, tiredly. This has worn him down so much, he isn't even going to try to hide the fact it has. She got him dead to rights- as much as he's genuinely unsure what this means for Maul's redemption, he's really worried about what it means for his own. Like if Maul doesn't deserve it...well, maybe he doesn't either. Fern's told him plenty of times too, that this isn't the case. That he and Maul are very different people and as much as he believes his boyfriend, he knows there's likely some bias there, too.
It's good to hear it from someone else.]
I- I think I need to. Walk away, I mean. I don't think I can believe he's capable of changing anymore. I just... I think he's going to keep lying and letting us down. I can't keep putting my energy into this anymore. Not when he just rips us down every chance he gets.
[It's exhausting, and he can't do it anymore.]
I'm sorry, Usagi. I - I need to stop. I know you...won't, even if I wish you would, but I can't do this anymore.
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And it's okay for you to walk away, truly. [She smiles, reassuring him it's okay to let go of something or SOMEONE for your own sake.] I respect your decision, and I'm going to make sure Maul respects it, too.
[Or Maul will find out what actually angry Usagi looks like.].
You don't need to apologize to me for taking care of your own well being, you never need to apologize to me for that.
And don't worry about me, this situation... I've been in much worse than this with people much closer to me than Maul. [In... almost ALL those situations, someone had to DIE to bring the brainwashed back to their senses or killed outright but hey! She's not going to be telling Varian that.]
I'll be okay. Take a breath, Varian. Let go. You've done more than enough.
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[Maul is going to have a tantrum. He's already exhausted just thinking about it in his future.
But he doesn't like this one bit. ]
Just because you've has this happen before doesn't mean I won't worry, and it doesn't mean you have to put up with it, either. It's not fair on you. I know...I won't be able to persuade you to take care of yourself on this one because you're worse than me for that. But just...please, don't let him tear you to pieces.
I know you're tough but everyone has a breaking point and breaking points here are...well, they end really badly for everyone.
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Varian... [She sighs and tilts her head.] No, you won't be able to persuade me on this. Because, no, it isn't fair. I was never... [She stops. Se was never supposed to be reborn with the task of ruling Earth and the moon, protecting the galaxy, and constantly sacrificing herself. Her mother, Queen Serenity, had wanted her to live a normal life, wanted her to be reborn for a chance at happiness. So no, it wasn't fair. But she wouldn't trade it for the world. She had Mamoru and the girls, she had Luna, she had her human family, she had a bright future to look forward to. And a lot of that was fate and destiny, sure, but just as much of it was just her friends and loved ones being themselves. She nods. Not ignoring what he has to say, to some degree, she knows her limits, and Maul has not reached them.]
I'm not... I do have a breaking point. You're right.
But this is not it.
And it isn't fair. But I would not trade it. [Because someone has to do it.
It may as well be her, she's certainly willing enough.]
I'll be okay, Vivi. [But she doesn't promise.]
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I don't believe you.
[His tone is sad and tired. He desperately wants her to back away with him. To take care of herself and stop being so damn self-sacrificing. But he knows he can't appeal to that. So he goes for his last hope- logic. ]
What happens when he pushes you enough that you get corrupted? This- this place isn't like your home. If you can't do this for your own good, look at it this way. If you get corrupted and turn into a mindless monster, think how dangerous you'll be. Could anyone in the city bring you down if that happened?
1/?
What did he say?]
2/?
3/?
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'M A MONSTER.]
4/?
In.
Out.
No.
No.
No.
In.
Out.
She's okay.
He's okay.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
They're safe. They're safe. They're safe.]
5/?
6/7
Last time...
Time...
She nearly hyperventilates again.]
7/9 I lied
She's not a monster.
She's not a monster!
She didn't mean to! She didn't mean to!
But what if he's right?]
8/9
9/9
It feels like knives in her throat.
She can't ask Minako and Makoto again, not AGAIN to kill her at the first sign of her.
She has to wipe at her eyes and she can only... She doesn't know what to say. She's speechless.
Another breath.]
I won't turn away.
But...
[She swallows.
It hurts.]
But I'll step back.
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I'm sorry.
[For hurting her. For bringing it to his. He reaches a hand onto her shoulder, squeezing tightly.]
Just for a little while. Just so you can breathe. I'd never ask you- I'd never ask you to give up on anyone completely, that's not who you are. But you need this too. Being able to step back. Put a little distance from him before he takes away everything that's decent and good about you and just- just tosses it away like it's nothing.
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[he closed her eyes and let out a breath, trying not to cry.]
I suppose it needed to be said. [She can only barely manage to get out. She wasn't sure she believed it, some part of her didn't WANT to believe that Maul could do that to her.
But wasn't he doing it now?
Could she even dare to risk it if she was this upset and all he had done was just yell and scream and throw yet another tantrum?
She lets out another long breath.]
No... no, I know you're right. I just... suppose I didn't think of it... ever getting to that. [But hadn't she been corrupted for literal months from October to December? Only able to get rid of it because of her talk with the girls? And now Rei was gone.]
I suppose some of it was my own ego, too. [She had been able to forgive Galaxia for all she had done but then Galaxia died. She didn't have to see her every day, interact with her, she had embraced Chaos and all the nonsense he pulled, but they didn't chat, they weren't FRIENDS. They were each other's cosmic half but they didn't sit at her kitchen table and eat together.
Maul was on a different level. His actions were lesser than literally... any of her enemies from home, but there was infinitely more intimacy. And he wasn't brainwashed or a reanimated corpse. His actions and choices were entirely his own.]
I guess I thought... I was strong enough no matter what. [Because she always had to be.
But why did she have to be now? Why did she have to just smile and say "it's okay" when it wasn't? "I'm fine" when she's not? Why did she insist on trying to pretend this didn't hurt?
Maybe not pretend it didn't hurt.
Why was she insisting it didn't hurt as much as it actually did?]
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