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It's hard, because my most powerful ability requires I sacrifice and give up everything. And I've needed to do it so often...
[She lets out a breath.] Oh, this won't destroy me. [Never mind that she's had worse than the nonsense Maul is pulling done to her, Usagi literally just... CAN'T let this destroy her. Nor will she.]
We've been a safety net... and... he's torn endless holes in us. So we need time to mend.
He won't see it that way though. And that concerns me more? I'm worried that this is going to feed into his self-justification to be terrible. We've both heard it endlessly, Varian. The... "what's the point of doing better if everyone treats me like a monster anyway."
And that we've stood beside him through all that won't matter. All he'll see is us backing away.
... But even if this won't destroy me, it doesn't hurt any less.
I know, but that isn't this. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for this. For-for him. Not when he doesn't even seem even remotely grateful or even aware of what you've done for him.
[Because that's the worst part of it. For nearly two years they have backed him and helped him- nudged and sometimes even dragged him into being a better person and in one post he spat on it and threw it all away like it was nothing. Like they were nothing. ]
But when does it stop, Usagi? How many times are we supposed to be in charge of him? That us backing away can be his excuse to be terrible? It's- we're being held hostage and it's not fair.
[He hugs his arms around himself.]
Because I'm not so sure this isn't gonna destroy me.
She wishes she were there to hold him, to hug him.
Ah.
A familiar sensation came over her. She's felt it... so many times. She can't name the sensation, if pressed to describe it, she would say it's certainty. It's... awareness.
But she lets out a breath and with it, she feels her age.
Not 18, but the thousands of years her memories give her. She feels her experiences. She can never know what Varian went through, but he can never know hers either. This doesn't hurt her the same way it hurts him because she's absolutely used to this pain. Mamoru, Chibiusa, Hotaru, the girls, the Amazon Quartet, the human race itself, on and on. Yes, they were all brainwashed by magic or reanimated corpses but that didn't make the pain of being hurt by them any less.
Maul hurting her like this is- it's not NEW pain, so it's upsetting but it's not... new. Not by a long shot. So when it came, the pain didn't hurt any less, but it was a familiar, if uncomfortable, weight. This... misery sat beside her like an old friend, greeted her with a smile, asked her how she was doing, and held her hand. This familiar misery would sit down next to her and speak and she would cry, and eventually, this familiar misery would eventually get up, bid her a fond "until next time" with a kiss to her cheek, and she would go on with her life until it was time again to sit and wait for this pain.
But Varian didn't, and shouldn't, know this pain, he should not become acquainted with this sort of misery, he should not learn to recognize its presence. She lets out a breath.]
Then... this is where it stops, Varian.
For you.
You don't deserve this, you most certainly don't deserve to be destroyed.
You have every right to stop here and now, and it does not make redemption any less possible for Maul, and it does not cheapen or devalue your own. [Because she knows that's where a good deal of his concern absolutely lies.] You and Maul are nothing alike. You are trying every day to never again wallow in that darkness, to never sink that low again.
And I know how desperately you want to help others, I encourage you to keep doing just that.
But if you break, then I will never forgive Maul... or myself.
You should not have this burden on you. And you've done an amazing job. It's okay to stop now, Varian.
If you want to let go, then let go.
You have every right to walk away from this and it does not change how amazing you've been and continue to be.
[Varian's worryingly quiet as she speaks, staring at the ground, his brow furrowed, his breathing sharp and uneven. He does listen to what she has to say, though, letting it settle in. Fern had said much the same to him, that it's okay for him to step away. That doing so won't make him a bad person, won't lessen the work he's done on Maul.
Won't lessen the work he's done on himself. He catches his breathing, letting out a slow, long breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. ]
I really needed to hear that.
[It's spoken quietly, tiredly. This has worn him down so much, he isn't even going to try to hide the fact it has. She got him dead to rights- as much as he's genuinely unsure what this means for Maul's redemption, he's really worried about what it means for his own. Like if Maul doesn't deserve it...well, maybe he doesn't either. Fern's told him plenty of times too, that this isn't the case. That he and Maul are very different people and as much as he believes his boyfriend, he knows there's likely some bias there, too.
It's good to hear it from someone else.]
I- I think I need to. Walk away, I mean. I don't think I can believe he's capable of changing anymore. I just... I think he's going to keep lying and letting us down. I can't keep putting my energy into this anymore. Not when he just rips us down every chance he gets.
[It's exhausting, and he can't do it anymore.]
I'm sorry, Usagi. I - I need to stop. I know you...won't, even if I wish you would, but I can't do this anymore.
And it's okay for you to walk away, truly. [She smiles, reassuring him it's okay to let go of something or SOMEONE for your own sake.] I respect your decision, and I'm going to make sure Maul respects it, too.
[Or Maul will find out what actually angry Usagi looks like.].
You don't need to apologize to me for taking care of your own well being, you never need to apologize to me for that.
And don't worry about me, this situation... I've been in much worse than this with people much closer to me than Maul. [In... almost ALL those situations, someone had to DIE to bring the brainwashed back to their senses or killed outright but hey! She's not going to be telling Varian that.]
I'll be okay. Take a breath, Varian. Let go. You've done more than enough.
I think you might find a fight on your hands with that one.
[Maul is going to have a tantrum. He's already exhausted just thinking about it in his future.
But he doesn't like this one bit. ]
Just because you've has this happen before doesn't mean I won't worry, and it doesn't mean you have to put up with it, either. It's not fair on you. I know...I won't be able to persuade you to take care of yourself on this one because you're worse than me for that. But just...please, don't let him tear you to pieces.
I know you're tough but everyone has a breaking point and breaking points here are...well, they end really badly for everyone.
Varian... [She sighs and tilts her head.] No, you won't be able to persuade me on this. Because, no, it isn't fair. I was never... [She stops. Se was never supposed to be reborn with the task of ruling Earth and the moon, protecting the galaxy, and constantly sacrificing herself. Her mother, Queen Serenity, had wanted her to live a normal life, wanted her to be reborn for a chance at happiness. So no, it wasn't fair. But she wouldn't trade it for the world. She had Mamoru and the girls, she had Luna, she had her human family, she had a bright future to look forward to. And a lot of that was fate and destiny, sure, but just as much of it was just her friends and loved ones being themselves. She nods. Not ignoring what he has to say, to some degree, she knows her limits, and Maul has not reached them.]
I'm not... I do have a breaking point. You're right.
But this is not it.
And it isn't fair. But I would not trade it. [Because someone has to do it.
It may as well be her, she's certainly willing enough.]
[He hates this. He hates that she won't back down from this, he knows she will just let Maul use her and use her and he doesn't know what will happen when she does break. If she'll even be able to recognise it when it comes. ]
I don't believe you.
[His tone is sad and tired. He desperately wants her to back away with him. To take care of herself and stop being so damn self-sacrificing. But he knows he can't appeal to that. So he goes for his last hope- logic. ]
What happens when he pushes you enough that you get corrupted? This- this place isn't like your home. If you can't do this for your own good, look at it this way. If you get corrupted and turn into a mindless monster, think how dangerous you'll be. Could anyone in the city bring you down if that happened?
[Even without the empathetic link between them, he would be able to tell this one cut deep, and guilt swells in his chest for being the cause of even an ounce of her pain. But this was a necessary evil. He knew if he hadn't have made her think about this, about the risk to others and not just herself, she would have let Maul use her until there was nothing left. She's too self-sacrificing to be any other way. ]
I'm sorry.
[For hurting her. For bringing it to his. He reaches a hand onto her shoulder, squeezing tightly.]
Just for a little while. Just so you can breathe. I'd never ask you- I'd never ask you to give up on anyone completely, that's not who you are. But you need this too. Being able to step back. Put a little distance from him before he takes away everything that's decent and good about you and just- just tosses it away like it's nothing.
[he closed her eyes and let out a breath, trying not to cry.]
I suppose it needed to be said. [She can only barely manage to get out. She wasn't sure she believed it, some part of her didn't WANT to believe that Maul could do that to her.
But wasn't he doing it now?
Could she even dare to risk it if she was this upset and all he had done was just yell and scream and throw yet another tantrum?
She lets out another long breath.]
No... no, I know you're right. I just... suppose I didn't think of it... ever getting to that. [But hadn't she been corrupted for literal months from October to December? Only able to get rid of it because of her talk with the girls? And now Rei was gone.]
I suppose some of it was my own ego, too. [She had been able to forgive Galaxia for all she had done but then Galaxia died. She didn't have to see her every day, interact with her, she had embraced Chaos and all the nonsense he pulled, but they didn't chat, they weren't FRIENDS. They were each other's cosmic half but they didn't sit at her kitchen table and eat together.
Maul was on a different level. His actions were lesser than literally... any of her enemies from home, but there was infinitely more intimacy. And he wasn't brainwashed or a reanimated corpse. His actions and choices were entirely his own.]
I guess I thought... I was strong enough no matter what. [Because she always had to be.
But why did she have to be now? Why did she have to just smile and say "it's okay" when it wasn't? "I'm fine" when she's not? Why did she insist on trying to pretend this didn't hurt?
Maybe not pretend it didn't hurt.
Why was she insisting it didn't hurt as much as it actually did?]
I don't like thinking of it ever getting to that either. But...Usagi, it's been two years and we're still exactly where we were when we first met him. This- this isn't on you or me, or any of us who've tried to help him. What can we do if he just...just keeps refusing to help himself?
[Because every time they think they're getting somewhere, he DOES throw a tantrum and he's so afraid of what that will mean for all of them if it gets out of hand. But especially Usagi. She is the crown champion of This Is Fine and he doesn't want to see her collapse under the weight of it all.
He pulls her into a hug.]
You are strong enough, you're- you're the strongest person I know. But- but being strong doesn't mean you never take breaks ever. You're allowed to look after yourself, too. It doesn't change your strength one little bit.
[She doesn't know how to explain it, that two years of kindness and love would not undo the years of abuse Maul's master had wrought. That he was even here at all was a miracle, in some ways. She wasn't as mad because Maul just didn't know sometimes. He had been a tool before he had been a person, so he had to be made to feel again before he could even be expected to empathize with others.
It did not excuse Maul of any of his actions, merely explained them, and it was why Usagi was so patient. She hugs Varian back and closes her eyes, gently stroking his hair. She knew how worried Varian was for her, and it made her heart sink to know she was causing him this kind of anguish because she couldn't really help who she was and what she was and what she was like.
She was capable of being unforgiving.
She just didn't think Maul deserved that, for all his stupid self-sabotaging tantrums.]
I suppose I am. [She smiled, stroking his back and closing her eyes.] You're right. [She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then moved to press her forehead against his. ] I will try to be better about looking out for myself.
[Varian still wants to believe that Maul is deserving of something better, he can't quite wish him ill, not even now, after everything the man has put him through. But he's hit his limit- the attach on Fern was his absolute last straw. Varian can deal with plenty of abuse levelled at him, but Fern is another story altogether. He can't allow that.
But he knows Usagi won't be swayed- much as he wishes she could be. He exhales, slow and shaky, resting his head against hers.]
[No, she can't be swayed, but that is her decision. She doesn't expect Varian to agree with her or even understand her. She closes her eyes and rests her head against his in return.]
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droptheious) wrote2021-06-20 12:39 am
 "un/finished")
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cawaii
no subject
[She lets out a breath.] Oh, this won't destroy me. [Never mind that she's had worse than the nonsense Maul is pulling done to her, Usagi literally just... CAN'T let this destroy her. Nor will she.]
We've been a safety net... and... he's torn endless holes in us. So we need time to mend.
He won't see it that way though. And that concerns me more? I'm worried that this is going to feed into his self-justification to be terrible. We've both heard it endlessly, Varian. The... "what's the point of doing better if everyone treats me like a monster anyway."
And that we've stood beside him through all that won't matter. All he'll see is us backing away.
... But even if this won't destroy me, it doesn't hurt any less.
no subject
[Because that's the worst part of it. For nearly two years they have backed him and helped him- nudged and sometimes even dragged him into being a better person and in one post he spat on it and threw it all away like it was nothing. Like they were nothing. ]
But when does it stop, Usagi? How many times are we supposed to be in charge of him? That us backing away can be his excuse to be terrible? It's- we're being held hostage and it's not fair.
[He hugs his arms around himself.]
Because I'm not so sure this isn't gonna destroy me.
no subject
She wishes she were there to hold him, to hug him.
Ah.
A familiar sensation came over her. She's felt it... so many times. She can't name the sensation, if pressed to describe it, she would say it's certainty. It's... awareness.
But she lets out a breath and with it, she feels her age.
Not 18, but the thousands of years her memories give her. She feels her experiences. She can never know what Varian went through, but he can never know hers either. This doesn't hurt her the same way it hurts him because she's absolutely used to this pain. Mamoru, Chibiusa, Hotaru, the girls, the Amazon Quartet, the human race itself, on and on. Yes, they were all brainwashed by magic or reanimated corpses but that didn't make the pain of being hurt by them any less.
Maul hurting her like this is- it's not NEW pain, so it's upsetting but it's not... new. Not by a long shot. So when it came, the pain didn't hurt any less, but it was a familiar, if uncomfortable, weight. This... misery sat beside her like an old friend, greeted her with a smile, asked her how she was doing, and held her hand. This familiar misery would sit down next to her and speak and she would cry, and eventually, this familiar misery would eventually get up, bid her a fond "until next time" with a kiss to her cheek, and she would go on with her life until it was time again to sit and wait for this pain.
But Varian didn't, and shouldn't, know this pain, he should not become acquainted with this sort of misery, he should not learn to recognize its presence. She lets out a breath.]
Then... this is where it stops, Varian.
For you.
You don't deserve this, you most certainly don't deserve to be destroyed.
You have every right to stop here and now, and it does not make redemption any less possible for Maul, and it does not cheapen or devalue your own. [Because she knows that's where a good deal of his concern absolutely lies.] You and Maul are nothing alike. You are trying every day to never again wallow in that darkness, to never sink that low again.
And I know how desperately you want to help others, I encourage you to keep doing just that.
But if you break, then I will never forgive Maul... or myself.
You should not have this burden on you. And you've done an amazing job. It's okay to stop now, Varian.
If you want to let go, then let go.
You have every right to walk away from this and it does not change how amazing you've been and continue to be.
no subject
Won't lessen the work he's done on himself. He catches his breathing, letting out a slow, long breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. ]
I really needed to hear that.
[It's spoken quietly, tiredly. This has worn him down so much, he isn't even going to try to hide the fact it has. She got him dead to rights- as much as he's genuinely unsure what this means for Maul's redemption, he's really worried about what it means for his own. Like if Maul doesn't deserve it...well, maybe he doesn't either. Fern's told him plenty of times too, that this isn't the case. That he and Maul are very different people and as much as he believes his boyfriend, he knows there's likely some bias there, too.
It's good to hear it from someone else.]
I- I think I need to. Walk away, I mean. I don't think I can believe he's capable of changing anymore. I just... I think he's going to keep lying and letting us down. I can't keep putting my energy into this anymore. Not when he just rips us down every chance he gets.
[It's exhausting, and he can't do it anymore.]
I'm sorry, Usagi. I - I need to stop. I know you...won't, even if I wish you would, but I can't do this anymore.
no subject
And it's okay for you to walk away, truly. [She smiles, reassuring him it's okay to let go of something or SOMEONE for your own sake.] I respect your decision, and I'm going to make sure Maul respects it, too.
[Or Maul will find out what actually angry Usagi looks like.].
You don't need to apologize to me for taking care of your own well being, you never need to apologize to me for that.
And don't worry about me, this situation... I've been in much worse than this with people much closer to me than Maul. [In... almost ALL those situations, someone had to DIE to bring the brainwashed back to their senses or killed outright but hey! She's not going to be telling Varian that.]
I'll be okay. Take a breath, Varian. Let go. You've done more than enough.
no subject
[Maul is going to have a tantrum. He's already exhausted just thinking about it in his future.
But he doesn't like this one bit. ]
Just because you've has this happen before doesn't mean I won't worry, and it doesn't mean you have to put up with it, either. It's not fair on you. I know...I won't be able to persuade you to take care of yourself on this one because you're worse than me for that. But just...please, don't let him tear you to pieces.
I know you're tough but everyone has a breaking point and breaking points here are...well, they end really badly for everyone.
no subject
Varian... [She sighs and tilts her head.] No, you won't be able to persuade me on this. Because, no, it isn't fair. I was never... [She stops. Se was never supposed to be reborn with the task of ruling Earth and the moon, protecting the galaxy, and constantly sacrificing herself. Her mother, Queen Serenity, had wanted her to live a normal life, wanted her to be reborn for a chance at happiness. So no, it wasn't fair. But she wouldn't trade it for the world. She had Mamoru and the girls, she had Luna, she had her human family, she had a bright future to look forward to. And a lot of that was fate and destiny, sure, but just as much of it was just her friends and loved ones being themselves. She nods. Not ignoring what he has to say, to some degree, she knows her limits, and Maul has not reached them.]
I'm not... I do have a breaking point. You're right.
But this is not it.
And it isn't fair. But I would not trade it. [Because someone has to do it.
It may as well be her, she's certainly willing enough.]
I'll be okay, Vivi. [But she doesn't promise.]
no subject
I don't believe you.
[His tone is sad and tired. He desperately wants her to back away with him. To take care of herself and stop being so damn self-sacrificing. But he knows he can't appeal to that. So he goes for his last hope- logic. ]
What happens when he pushes you enough that you get corrupted? This- this place isn't like your home. If you can't do this for your own good, look at it this way. If you get corrupted and turn into a mindless monster, think how dangerous you'll be. Could anyone in the city bring you down if that happened?
1/?
What did he say?]
2/?
3/?
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'M A MONSTER.]
4/?
In.
Out.
No.
No.
No.
In.
Out.
She's okay.
He's okay.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
They're safe. They're safe. They're safe.]
5/?
6/7
Last time...
Time...
She nearly hyperventilates again.]
7/9 I lied
She's not a monster.
She's not a monster!
She didn't mean to! She didn't mean to!
But what if he's right?]
8/9
9/9
It feels like knives in her throat.
She can't ask Minako and Makoto again, not AGAIN to kill her at the first sign of her.
She has to wipe at her eyes and she can only... She doesn't know what to say. She's speechless.
Another breath.]
I won't turn away.
But...
[She swallows.
It hurts.]
But I'll step back.
no subject
I'm sorry.
[For hurting her. For bringing it to his. He reaches a hand onto her shoulder, squeezing tightly.]
Just for a little while. Just so you can breathe. I'd never ask you- I'd never ask you to give up on anyone completely, that's not who you are. But you need this too. Being able to step back. Put a little distance from him before he takes away everything that's decent and good about you and just- just tosses it away like it's nothing.
no subject
[he closed her eyes and let out a breath, trying not to cry.]
I suppose it needed to be said. [She can only barely manage to get out. She wasn't sure she believed it, some part of her didn't WANT to believe that Maul could do that to her.
But wasn't he doing it now?
Could she even dare to risk it if she was this upset and all he had done was just yell and scream and throw yet another tantrum?
She lets out another long breath.]
No... no, I know you're right. I just... suppose I didn't think of it... ever getting to that. [But hadn't she been corrupted for literal months from October to December? Only able to get rid of it because of her talk with the girls? And now Rei was gone.]
I suppose some of it was my own ego, too. [She had been able to forgive Galaxia for all she had done but then Galaxia died. She didn't have to see her every day, interact with her, she had embraced Chaos and all the nonsense he pulled, but they didn't chat, they weren't FRIENDS. They were each other's cosmic half but they didn't sit at her kitchen table and eat together.
Maul was on a different level. His actions were lesser than literally... any of her enemies from home, but there was infinitely more intimacy. And he wasn't brainwashed or a reanimated corpse. His actions and choices were entirely his own.]
I guess I thought... I was strong enough no matter what. [Because she always had to be.
But why did she have to be now? Why did she have to just smile and say "it's okay" when it wasn't? "I'm fine" when she's not? Why did she insist on trying to pretend this didn't hurt?
Maybe not pretend it didn't hurt.
Why was she insisting it didn't hurt as much as it actually did?]
no subject
[Because every time they think they're getting somewhere, he DOES throw a tantrum and he's so afraid of what that will mean for all of them if it gets out of hand. But especially Usagi. She is the crown champion of This Is Fine and he doesn't want to see her collapse under the weight of it all.
He pulls her into a hug.]
You are strong enough, you're- you're the strongest person I know. But- but being strong doesn't mean you never take breaks ever. You're allowed to look after yourself, too. It doesn't change your strength one little bit.
no subject
It did not excuse Maul of any of his actions, merely explained them, and it was why Usagi was so patient. She hugs Varian back and closes her eyes, gently stroking his hair. She knew how worried Varian was for her, and it made her heart sink to know she was causing him this kind of anguish because she couldn't really help who she was and what she was and what she was like.
She was capable of being unforgiving.
She just didn't think Maul deserved that, for all his stupid self-sabotaging tantrums.]
I suppose I am. [She smiled, stroking his back and closing her eyes.] You're right. [She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then moved to press her forehead against his. ] I will try to be better about looking out for myself.
And thank you, for reminding me I can.
no subject
But he knows Usagi won't be swayed- much as he wishes she could be. He exhales, slow and shaky, resting his head against hers.]
Anytime. Least I could do.
no subject
I love you, Varian.
no subject
I love you too, Usagi.