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[He hates this. He hates that she won't back down from this, he knows she will just let Maul use her and use her and he doesn't know what will happen when she does break. If she'll even be able to recognise it when it comes. ]
I don't believe you.
[His tone is sad and tired. He desperately wants her to back away with him. To take care of herself and stop being so damn self-sacrificing. But he knows he can't appeal to that. So he goes for his last hope- logic. ]
What happens when he pushes you enough that you get corrupted? This- this place isn't like your home. If you can't do this for your own good, look at it this way. If you get corrupted and turn into a mindless monster, think how dangerous you'll be. Could anyone in the city bring you down if that happened?
[Even without the empathetic link between them, he would be able to tell this one cut deep, and guilt swells in his chest for being the cause of even an ounce of her pain. But this was a necessary evil. He knew if he hadn't have made her think about this, about the risk to others and not just herself, she would have let Maul use her until there was nothing left. She's too self-sacrificing to be any other way. ]
I'm sorry.
[For hurting her. For bringing it to his. He reaches a hand onto her shoulder, squeezing tightly.]
Just for a little while. Just so you can breathe. I'd never ask you- I'd never ask you to give up on anyone completely, that's not who you are. But you need this too. Being able to step back. Put a little distance from him before he takes away everything that's decent and good about you and just- just tosses it away like it's nothing.
[he closed her eyes and let out a breath, trying not to cry.]
I suppose it needed to be said. [She can only barely manage to get out. She wasn't sure she believed it, some part of her didn't WANT to believe that Maul could do that to her.
But wasn't he doing it now?
Could she even dare to risk it if she was this upset and all he had done was just yell and scream and throw yet another tantrum?
She lets out another long breath.]
No... no, I know you're right. I just... suppose I didn't think of it... ever getting to that. [But hadn't she been corrupted for literal months from October to December? Only able to get rid of it because of her talk with the girls? And now Rei was gone.]
I suppose some of it was my own ego, too. [She had been able to forgive Galaxia for all she had done but then Galaxia died. She didn't have to see her every day, interact with her, she had embraced Chaos and all the nonsense he pulled, but they didn't chat, they weren't FRIENDS. They were each other's cosmic half but they didn't sit at her kitchen table and eat together.
Maul was on a different level. His actions were lesser than literally... any of her enemies from home, but there was infinitely more intimacy. And he wasn't brainwashed or a reanimated corpse. His actions and choices were entirely his own.]
I guess I thought... I was strong enough no matter what. [Because she always had to be.
But why did she have to be now? Why did she have to just smile and say "it's okay" when it wasn't? "I'm fine" when she's not? Why did she insist on trying to pretend this didn't hurt?
Maybe not pretend it didn't hurt.
Why was she insisting it didn't hurt as much as it actually did?]
I don't like thinking of it ever getting to that either. But...Usagi, it's been two years and we're still exactly where we were when we first met him. This- this isn't on you or me, or any of us who've tried to help him. What can we do if he just...just keeps refusing to help himself?
[Because every time they think they're getting somewhere, he DOES throw a tantrum and he's so afraid of what that will mean for all of them if it gets out of hand. But especially Usagi. She is the crown champion of This Is Fine and he doesn't want to see her collapse under the weight of it all.
He pulls her into a hug.]
You are strong enough, you're- you're the strongest person I know. But- but being strong doesn't mean you never take breaks ever. You're allowed to look after yourself, too. It doesn't change your strength one little bit.
[She doesn't know how to explain it, that two years of kindness and love would not undo the years of abuse Maul's master had wrought. That he was even here at all was a miracle, in some ways. She wasn't as mad because Maul just didn't know sometimes. He had been a tool before he had been a person, so he had to be made to feel again before he could even be expected to empathize with others.
It did not excuse Maul of any of his actions, merely explained them, and it was why Usagi was so patient. She hugs Varian back and closes her eyes, gently stroking his hair. She knew how worried Varian was for her, and it made her heart sink to know she was causing him this kind of anguish because she couldn't really help who she was and what she was and what she was like.
She was capable of being unforgiving.
She just didn't think Maul deserved that, for all his stupid self-sabotaging tantrums.]
I suppose I am. [She smiled, stroking his back and closing her eyes.] You're right. [She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then moved to press her forehead against his. ] I will try to be better about looking out for myself.
[Varian still wants to believe that Maul is deserving of something better, he can't quite wish him ill, not even now, after everything the man has put him through. But he's hit his limit- the attach on Fern was his absolute last straw. Varian can deal with plenty of abuse levelled at him, but Fern is another story altogether. He can't allow that.
But he knows Usagi won't be swayed- much as he wishes she could be. He exhales, slow and shaky, resting his head against hers.]
[No, she can't be swayed, but that is her decision. She doesn't expect Varian to agree with her or even understand her. She closes her eyes and rests her head against his in return.]
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droptheious) wrote2021-06-20 12:39 am
 "un/finished")
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cawaii
no subject
I don't believe you.
[His tone is sad and tired. He desperately wants her to back away with him. To take care of herself and stop being so damn self-sacrificing. But he knows he can't appeal to that. So he goes for his last hope- logic. ]
What happens when he pushes you enough that you get corrupted? This- this place isn't like your home. If you can't do this for your own good, look at it this way. If you get corrupted and turn into a mindless monster, think how dangerous you'll be. Could anyone in the city bring you down if that happened?
1/?
What did he say?]
2/?
3/?
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'm a monster.
I'M A MONSTER.]
4/?
In.
Out.
No.
No.
No.
In.
Out.
She's okay.
He's okay.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
She hasn't become her.
They're safe. They're safe. They're safe.]
5/?
6/7
Last time...
Time...
She nearly hyperventilates again.]
7/9 I lied
She's not a monster.
She's not a monster!
She didn't mean to! She didn't mean to!
But what if he's right?]
8/9
9/9
It feels like knives in her throat.
She can't ask Minako and Makoto again, not AGAIN to kill her at the first sign of her.
She has to wipe at her eyes and she can only... She doesn't know what to say. She's speechless.
Another breath.]
I won't turn away.
But...
[She swallows.
It hurts.]
But I'll step back.
no subject
I'm sorry.
[For hurting her. For bringing it to his. He reaches a hand onto her shoulder, squeezing tightly.]
Just for a little while. Just so you can breathe. I'd never ask you- I'd never ask you to give up on anyone completely, that's not who you are. But you need this too. Being able to step back. Put a little distance from him before he takes away everything that's decent and good about you and just- just tosses it away like it's nothing.
no subject
[he closed her eyes and let out a breath, trying not to cry.]
I suppose it needed to be said. [She can only barely manage to get out. She wasn't sure she believed it, some part of her didn't WANT to believe that Maul could do that to her.
But wasn't he doing it now?
Could she even dare to risk it if she was this upset and all he had done was just yell and scream and throw yet another tantrum?
She lets out another long breath.]
No... no, I know you're right. I just... suppose I didn't think of it... ever getting to that. [But hadn't she been corrupted for literal months from October to December? Only able to get rid of it because of her talk with the girls? And now Rei was gone.]
I suppose some of it was my own ego, too. [She had been able to forgive Galaxia for all she had done but then Galaxia died. She didn't have to see her every day, interact with her, she had embraced Chaos and all the nonsense he pulled, but they didn't chat, they weren't FRIENDS. They were each other's cosmic half but they didn't sit at her kitchen table and eat together.
Maul was on a different level. His actions were lesser than literally... any of her enemies from home, but there was infinitely more intimacy. And he wasn't brainwashed or a reanimated corpse. His actions and choices were entirely his own.]
I guess I thought... I was strong enough no matter what. [Because she always had to be.
But why did she have to be now? Why did she have to just smile and say "it's okay" when it wasn't? "I'm fine" when she's not? Why did she insist on trying to pretend this didn't hurt?
Maybe not pretend it didn't hurt.
Why was she insisting it didn't hurt as much as it actually did?]
no subject
[Because every time they think they're getting somewhere, he DOES throw a tantrum and he's so afraid of what that will mean for all of them if it gets out of hand. But especially Usagi. She is the crown champion of This Is Fine and he doesn't want to see her collapse under the weight of it all.
He pulls her into a hug.]
You are strong enough, you're- you're the strongest person I know. But- but being strong doesn't mean you never take breaks ever. You're allowed to look after yourself, too. It doesn't change your strength one little bit.
no subject
It did not excuse Maul of any of his actions, merely explained them, and it was why Usagi was so patient. She hugs Varian back and closes her eyes, gently stroking his hair. She knew how worried Varian was for her, and it made her heart sink to know she was causing him this kind of anguish because she couldn't really help who she was and what she was and what she was like.
She was capable of being unforgiving.
She just didn't think Maul deserved that, for all his stupid self-sabotaging tantrums.]
I suppose I am. [She smiled, stroking his back and closing her eyes.] You're right. [She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then moved to press her forehead against his. ] I will try to be better about looking out for myself.
And thank you, for reminding me I can.
no subject
But he knows Usagi won't be swayed- much as he wishes she could be. He exhales, slow and shaky, resting his head against hers.]
Anytime. Least I could do.
no subject
I love you, Varian.
no subject
I love you too, Usagi.