CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE THROUGH TO RUDDIGER. PLEASE LEAVE FOOD AT THE END OF THE BEEP. MESSAGES CANNOT BE GUARANTEED DELIVERY IF FOOD IS NOT PROVIDED. [VIDEO | AUDIO | TEXT]
THE JITTERS ONE IS WHAT STARTED THE WHOLE THING. HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT COLDBLOOD MAKING YOU ANTSIER THAN NORMAL? HE WAS ALL WORRIED ABOUT ME SO I TOLD HIM IT WAS JUST PRE-OCTOBER JITTERS OR SOMETHING SO HE WOULDN'T DO THAT BUT THEN HE GOT STARTED ON HOW "ALIKE" WE ARE.
[Ugh. Gross. They aren't!!! They definitely aren't!!!]
[Varian has accepted this as an irritating fact of life.]
It definitely wasn't pre-October jitters. I talked to other coldbloods, they had the same problem. It was an all-round coldblood thing. So...okay something we had in common but it's something we had in common with a not-insignificant part of the population, too. Don't think that counts.
Yeah, he gets like that, once he's on something he won't let it go.
YEAH! SAME GOES FOR STUBBORNNESS - PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE STUBBORN! DOESN'T MAKE THEM ALL ALIKE.
HE CAN HAVE ONE POINT FOR POINTING OUT WE BOTH LIKE HIM, I GUESS. JUST THE ONE THOUGH, AND ONLY BECAUSE HE SAID IT! ONE POINT AIN'T ENOUGH TO WIN THIS BET.
[Fern doesn't always have great self-esteem, so the fact that he pointed out that they both care about him on his own, and it was third on the list? That's practically cause for celebration.]
Do you have it here? I could probably find out why it never worked.
[Not because he likes Stan or anything. It's because he likes robots. Just that.]
Well, that's a given, of course plenty of people are! And The magical one is stupid too. Because, I'm sorry, yeah when you get attacked by a LITERAL DEMON you kind of learn to not like magic all that much anymore!
[Did he skip the jail one on purpose? You betcha!]
TELL ME ABOUT IT! AND THEN YOUR GREAT NIECE AND NEPHEW TURN UP TO OOO AND AHH AT THE MAGICAL WONDERS OF THE FOREST, BUT ALL THAT MAGIC CRUD IS DANGEROUS! NO ONE'S STARRY EYED ABOUT MAGIC WHEN GNOMES ARE GNAWING ON YOUR ANKLES OR OH, I DUNNO, DEMONS ARE GNAWING ON YOUR BRAIN. LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT DEMONS IS TERRIBLE. 0 STARS.
[Wait. Shit, they're agreeing. CAN'T HAVE THAT!]
THERE IS NO WAY YOU COMMITTED A REAL CRIME AND WENT TO ACTUAL JAIL.
Seriously!!! Magic is stupid and dangerous and being wary of it is a sign of sanity. I'm more concerned about people who aren't wary of it!
[The only thing he hates more than agreeing with Stan is having to be even remotely open about his past with Stan. But Fern told him it might be good for him to talk this out with someone. So here he is. ]
I committed several real crimes and went to actual prison. For a year.
MY BROTHER WOULD RUN HEAD FIRST INTO IT IF YOU GAVE HIM THE CHANCE. IF YOU LOOK AWAY FOR TWO MINUTES HE'S PROLLY UP TO HIS ELBOWS IN ANCIENT CURSES AND CRYPTIDS! AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE OF US!!!
[They both know this about Ford though. The real point of interest here is Varian's supposed history of crime.]
I SHOULD BE SURPRISED, BUT MY LAST CHILD RIVAL ALSO WENT TO ACTUAL ADULT PRISON, SO. NOTHIN NEW THERE REALLY.
ANYWAY I KNEW YOU'D COMMIT A MURDER FOR FERN BUT I ALWAYS FIGURED YOU'D GET OFF SCOT-FREE. YOU'VE GOT THAT WHOLE BABY FACE THING GOING ON; NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT A THING!
[Well. This is a thing that's happening now. He guesses. Will it be any easier opening up to someone he doesn't like? After telling Luna signs point to no on that one. ]
Fine.
So my world is...stupidly full of magic. Like yours. Two aspects of magic are the sundrop and the moonstone, celestial powers that were once together and kind of...seek each other out. One of my friends ended up with the power of the sundrop through means that don't matter here. The moonstone was sending out these sharp, unbreakable rocks across the kingdom to get to her.
They were destroying my village's farmland. She and I agreed we would work on it together- but I decided to try and work some alchemy on it. My dad knew something about them, told me to leave them alone, but I didn't do that.
[It does sound like his world, but also incredibly different. He can't think of anything that reminds him of the sundrop or moondrop or whatever they are, but it almost makes sense. They're like magnets, right? Opposites that wanna stick together.
He's never heard Varian talk about his old man before though. That part sticks out like a sore thumb.]
[It's something Varian and Dipper have discussed a lot- the similarities between their worlds. How stupidly similar and yet different they were. Quirin is always an exceptionally difficult subject, but Varian ploughs on regardless. ]
Have you MET me? I didn't listen to him. I made a chemical compound to try and fix it. But something went wrong. He saved me from it by pushing me out of the way as it expanded, but it meant that he was caught in it. It was slowly encasing him in a solid, unbreakable amber.
I went to the capital, to where the princess was for help. She is the one with the power of the sundrop, I thought she might be able to help. But the kingdom was being hit by a magical blizzard. A bad one. She couldn't abandon her people to come to help me. By the time I got back to my dad, he was completely encased.
[And something in him broke in a way that's never quite repaired again. Not even after all this time. ]
[On his end, Stan actually laughs at the first part. It's not actually funny, but it so reminds him of Dipper and Ford that he can't help it. It makes him actually glad this is over text.]
AH. I THINK I GET WHERE THIS IS GOIN.
[It's a pretty easy jump from there to attempted murder of the royal family.]
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR REVENGE DIDN'T GO SO GREAT IF YOU ONLY GOT BUSTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER. DID YOU GET HIM OUT AT LEAST OR IS HE Y'KNOW
[Dead. Even Stan isn't blunt enough to just flat-out ask if his old man kicked the bucket after literally being encased in a shiny rock for who knows how long.]
[This is why he gets along so well with Dipper and Ford, this is exactly why.]
It's probably worse than you're thinking. Between then and the attempted murder, I convinced the princess to commit treason to steal a magical artefact and when THAT didn't work, I kidnapped the queen to make her come to me to use her powers to try and fix it. And then there was the attempted murder with giant robots.
...And then I was in jail for a year and escaped and brainwashed the king and queen while she was away.
[So you know. WAY worse than originally pitched.]
I did save my dad eventually, though. Or rather Rapunzel did. The people I'd taken over the kingdom with turned out to want to raze the place to the ground. When I wouldn't cross that line, I helped her beat them. She used a new part of her magic to free him. He was fine. He's still fine.
EH I DUNNO IF THAT'S REALLY WORSE. I MEAN, SOUNDS LIKE YOU WENT TO ATTEMPTED MURDER AFTER THE FIRST THING DIDN'T WORK. SURE IT'S MORE CRIMES OVERALL BUT IF THE FIRST THING WORKED IT PROLLY WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST THE ONE CRIME.
[It's logic that Stan himself has used, even if he's not sure when exactly.]
THAT'S GOOD ABOUT YOUR DAD THOUGH. HONESTLY I PROLLY WOULD'VE DONE
WELL NOT THE SAME THING I DON'T MESS AROUND WITH ROBOTS THESE DAYS BUT. TREASON AND ATTEMPTED MURDER'S NOTHING IF MY FAMILY'S IN DANGER.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
droptheious) wrote2021-06-20 12:39 am
 "un/finished")
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
cawaii
no subject
[Fern is ALL THAT MATTERS forever. Anyway, he's done shouting.]
Fine. I guess we can go point by point or something.
no subject
FINE. SURE.
THE JITTERS ONE IS WHAT STARTED THE WHOLE THING. HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT COLDBLOOD MAKING YOU ANTSIER THAN NORMAL? HE WAS ALL WORRIED ABOUT ME SO I TOLD HIM IT WAS JUST PRE-OCTOBER JITTERS OR SOMETHING SO HE WOULDN'T DO THAT BUT THEN HE GOT STARTED ON HOW "ALIKE" WE ARE.
[Ugh. Gross. They aren't!!! They definitely aren't!!!]
no subject
It definitely wasn't pre-October jitters. I talked to other coldbloods, they had the same problem. It was an all-round coldblood thing. So...okay something we had in common but it's something we had in common with a not-insignificant part of the population, too. Don't think that counts.
Yeah, he gets like that, once he's on something he won't let it go.
[It's so rude and incorrect!!]
no subject
HE CAN HAVE ONE POINT FOR POINTING OUT WE BOTH LIKE HIM, I GUESS. JUST THE ONE THOUGH, AND ONLY BECAUSE HE SAID IT! ONE POINT AIN'T ENOUGH TO WIN THIS BET.
[Fern doesn't always have great self-esteem, so the fact that he pointed out that they both care about him on his own, and it was third on the list? That's practically cause for celebration.]
no subject
I'm never going to deny that in a million years so yeah okay, he can have that ONE thing.
I'm calling shenanigans on the robot. There's no way you built a functioning robot. I'm sorry, but there's not.
[He's not, in fact, sorry at all. ]
no subject
NOT A FUNCTIONING ROBOT...
[But he did technically build a robot. Sort of.]
FOOTBOT WAS AHEAD OF HIS TIME.
no subject
Wait. Footbot is an ACTUAL THING?!!!
no subject
OR HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FOOTBALL PLAYING ROBOT. AGAIN, DIDN'T REALLY WORK, BUT I STILL MADE HIM SO FERN'S GOT US ON A TECHNICALITY.
no subject
[It seems impossible Stan and Ford could have ever been his age ]
What did it do instead? Was it violent? Did it kick people?
Okay so that's another point for Fern.
no subject
[Because that's what happens when you attach a football to a toaster with a fork and call it a robot.]
CREATIVE'S LIKE THE STUBBORN ONE. PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE CREATIVE! PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE CREATIVE AND STUBBORN.
no subject
[Not because he likes Stan or anything. It's because he likes robots. Just that.]
Well, that's a given, of course plenty of people are! And The magical one is stupid too. Because, I'm sorry, yeah when you get attacked by a LITERAL DEMON you kind of learn to not like magic all that much anymore!
[Did he skip the jail one on purpose? You betcha!]
no subject
[Wait. Shit, they're agreeing. CAN'T HAVE THAT!]
THERE IS NO WAY YOU COMMITTED A REAL CRIME AND WENT TO ACTUAL JAIL.
no subject
[The only thing he hates more than agreeing with Stan is having to be even remotely open about his past with Stan. But Fern told him it might be good for him to talk this out with someone. So here he is. ]
I committed several real crimes and went to actual prison. For a year.
no subject
[They both know this about Ford though. The real point of interest here is Varian's supposed history of crime.]
I SHOULD BE SURPRISED, BUT MY LAST CHILD RIVAL ALSO WENT TO ACTUAL ADULT PRISON, SO. NOTHIN NEW THERE REALLY.
ANYWAY I KNEW YOU'D COMMIT A MURDER FOR FERN BUT I ALWAYS FIGURED YOU'D GET OFF SCOT-FREE. YOU'VE GOT THAT WHOLE BABY FACE THING GOING ON; NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT A THING!
no subject
[He would commit a murder for Fern in half a heartbeat. He wouldn't even think about it.
The ... dances there for a minute. ]
This was home. And I was fourteen. Baby faces don't do much to protect you when you literally try to murder the royal family.
no subject
[Actually, wait. Has he?]
AT LEAST I'M PRETTY SURE I HAVEN'T. DON'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF ROYAL FAMILIES WHERE I'M FROM, SO. YEAH I THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT UH. WOW. THAT'S A LOT FOR A KID! ON THE UPSIDE THOUGH, A YEAR AIN'T BAD AT ALL FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER?
[He's trying, okay?]
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
no subject
I probably would have stayed there for the rest of my life. I got pardoned.
[He stares at his tablet, not sure.]
It's a long story. You'll be here a while.
[A small mercy, an offered out. Stan might care about Fern a great deal, but he doesn't have to extend the same care to Varian.]
no subject
[You know, from all the typing. But he doesn't mind hearing Varian out.]
no subject
Fine.
So my world is...stupidly full of magic. Like yours. Two aspects of magic are the sundrop and the moonstone, celestial powers that were once together and kind of...seek each other out. One of my friends ended up with the power of the sundrop through means that don't matter here. The moonstone was sending out these sharp, unbreakable rocks across the kingdom to get to her.
They were destroying my village's farmland. She and I agreed we would work on it together- but I decided to try and work some alchemy on it. My dad knew something about them, told me to leave them alone, but I didn't do that.
no subject
He's never heard Varian talk about his old man before though. That part sticks out like a sore thumb.]
SO WHAT'D YOU DO THEN?
no subject
Have you MET me? I didn't listen to him. I made a chemical compound to try and fix it. But something went wrong. He saved me from it by pushing me out of the way as it expanded, but it meant that he was caught in it. It was slowly encasing him in a solid, unbreakable amber.
I went to the capital, to where the princess was for help. She is the one with the power of the sundrop, I thought she might be able to help. But the kingdom was being hit by a magical blizzard. A bad one. She couldn't abandon her people to come to help me. By the time I got back to my dad, he was completely encased.
[And something in him broke in a way that's never quite repaired again. Not even after all this time. ]
no subject
AH. I THINK I GET WHERE THIS IS GOIN.
[It's a pretty easy jump from there to attempted murder of the royal family.]
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR REVENGE DIDN'T GO SO GREAT IF YOU ONLY GOT BUSTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER. DID YOU GET HIM OUT AT LEAST OR IS HE Y'KNOW
[Dead. Even Stan isn't blunt enough to just flat-out ask if his old man kicked the bucket after literally being encased in a shiny rock for who knows how long.]
no subject
It's probably worse than you're thinking. Between then and the attempted murder, I convinced the princess to commit treason to steal a magical artefact and when THAT didn't work, I kidnapped the queen to make her come to me to use her powers to try and fix it. And then there was the attempted murder with giant robots.
...And then I was in jail for a year and escaped and brainwashed the king and queen while she was away.
[So you know. WAY worse than originally pitched.]
I did save my dad eventually, though. Or rather Rapunzel did. The people I'd taken over the kingdom with turned out to want to raze the place to the ground. When I wouldn't cross that line, I helped her beat them. She used a new part of her magic to free him. He was fine. He's still fine.
1/2
[It's logic that Stan himself has used, even if he's not sure when exactly.]
THAT'S GOOD ABOUT YOUR DAD THOUGH. HONESTLY I PROLLY WOULD'VE DONE
WELL NOT THE SAME THING I DON'T MESS AROUND WITH ROBOTS THESE DAYS BUT. TREASON AND ATTEMPTED MURDER'S NOTHING IF MY FAMILY'S IN DANGER.
2/2
UHH.
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS I HAVE NEVER COMMITTED A CRIME FOR THE BENEFIT OF SOMEONE ELSE EVER AND I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU
IS THAT BETTER?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)