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Sorry - she just All she's done. She's the one "person" I've ever legitimately wanted to hurt.
[Which is. Saying a lot. A whole lot. About how much Shiro hates her.]
Every time we spoke to her in Deerington, all she ever did was mock us. Or tell us how much better she was. I don't think talking is going to help this time.
I guess not. Everything I've read suggests she's very repentant but...I don't know, it might be a trap. Or it might be genuine.
[There's a pause.]
Sorry, I know she's awful and she's done awful things- she's the reason I had my first death in the dream. I just struggle with thinking objectively with this kinda thing. I've been on HER side of things, too. It's not so clear cut for me.
I know, and I know that, too. That I wanted to change- did change.
[But it's a complicated mess of emotions to try and work through. Varian's never been so good at not throwing his anchor on other people- on judging his worthiness on what others feel. He's at least grown up enough to recognise it as an unhealthy way to do things, and he's trying to work on it- but it's pretty steadfast in remaining with him, so far.]
I've been going through this with Maul, too, recently. The whole...recognising there's a difference between saying you want to change and- and actually making an effort to change. I do know the difference is there- I'm just... it's something I'm still trying to get used to.
[That if someone failing to redeem themselves doesn't lessen his redemption any.]
I'm glad you're seeing the difference. And I'm proud of you for that.
[It's true, he is. Hopefully Varian knows that. Or can hear it in his voice, anyway.]
I guess I don't see a parallel with you and her. I'm not saying you're wrong to - it's just hard for me to see any of her, or Maul - [Because @#$% that guy] - in you. Even after what you told me.
[Oh wow, okay. Shiro, you're gonna have to give him a minute there. The line falls silent as Varian digests what's been said to him. It's nothing that hasn't been said to him before, of course, by Fern, by Usagi, by Luz- hell even by Maul himself. But it rings differently coming from a father figure- it always will. He might have finally got this from Quirin, but fifteen years of waiting to hear it means it knocks him for six every time he hears it again now.
He realises he's probably left this hanging a bit and clears his throat, trying to sound way more together about this than he actually is. ]
Thank you. For...uh- saying that. It... that means a lot.
[He's fine, he's doing absolutely super duper fine.]
Ye-yeah, I know. It's just...nice to hear, is all.
[Weird way of saying 'it's a thing I've strived to hear for the vast majority of my existence and only got it relatively recently' but there you go. It's just to show how super fine he is. ]
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droptheious) wrote2021-06-20 12:39 am
 "un/finished")
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cawaii
no subject
[Oops, did he swear? That's how you know it's serious!]
You said it yourself, Varian. They have to want to. And if she's hexing us, harassing us, still, then I don't think she does.
She has to have an angle. We just have to figure out what it is.
no subject
[Varian can and has said fuck, do not listen to him, Shiro.]
No. You're right. If she's right back to her old ways then it's probably an act. Maybe.
[He has SUCH a complicated relationship with redemption, it's hard to see it as black and white for him. He has to see the shades of grey.]
Maybe we could talk to her? Know for sure what her deal is.
no subject
All she's done. She's the one "person" I've ever legitimately wanted to hurt.
[Which is. Saying a lot. A whole lot. About how much Shiro hates her.]
Every time we spoke to her in Deerington, all she ever did was mock us. Or tell us how much better she was. I don't think talking is going to help this time.
no subject
I guess not. Everything I've read suggests she's very repentant but...I don't know, it might be a trap. Or it might be genuine.
[There's a pause.]
Sorry, I know she's awful and she's done awful things- she's the reason I had my first death in the dream. I just struggle with thinking objectively with this kinda thing. I've been on HER side of things, too. It's not so clear cut for me.
> voice
Varian, you don't have to apologize. Not to me.
And that's okay. I don't expect everyone to feel exactly like I do - that's ... that's kind of insane to expect, honestly. But, can you try something?
Try to remember. You wanted to change, right? To do better than you were.
no subject
[But it's a complicated mess of emotions to try and work through. Varian's never been so good at not throwing his anchor on other people- on judging his worthiness on what others feel. He's at least grown up enough to recognise it as an unhealthy way to do things, and he's trying to work on it- but it's pretty steadfast in remaining with him, so far.]
I've been going through this with Maul, too, recently. The whole...recognising there's a difference between saying you want to change and- and actually making an effort to change. I do know the difference is there- I'm just... it's something I'm still trying to get used to.
[That if someone failing to redeem themselves doesn't lessen his redemption any.]
no subject
[It's true, he is. Hopefully Varian knows that. Or can hear it in his voice, anyway.]
I guess I don't see a parallel with you and her. I'm not saying you're wrong to - it's just hard for me to see any of her, or Maul - [Because @#$% that guy] - in you. Even after what you told me.
I just see how far you've come.
no subject
He realises he's probably left this hanging a bit and clears his throat, trying to sound way more together about this than he actually is. ]
Thank you. For...uh- saying that. It... that means a lot.
no subject
[And then chuckles, himself.]
I'm not just saying it. I mean it. You know that, right?
no subject
Ye-yeah, I know. It's just...nice to hear, is all.
[Weird way of saying 'it's a thing I've strived to hear for the vast majority of my existence and only got it relatively recently' but there you go. It's just to show how super fine he is. ]
no subject
[If you even suggest the answer is 'yes', Varian, he absolutely will do it.]
no subject
...I guess I could use the reminder once in a while.
no subject
no subject
[It's fine, this is fine.]
Th-thanks.
no subject
But if you really needed it, yeah, I could.
no subject
I mean. I guess I'm just not used to hearing it a lot.
Is all.
no subject
[No, really, it is.]
You're doing great, Varian. I'm proud of you.
no subject
Thanks. It means a lot.
no subject
[And he means that, too.]