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[The hug is helping immeasurably. He closes his eyes, just enjoying the feel of Fern's fingers in his hair, steadying his breathing, letting this ground him. ]
I just- I don't know. I keep trying everything with him, and every time I think he's getting somewhere, he just turns back around and wrecks it all. It's like...self-sabotage or something.
Or... [And this is a big 'or' that he never wanted to get into, but has been at the back of his mind for quite some time.]
Or he doesn't want to get better. He's just saying that to placate you and Usagi. He's one of those people who just... doesn't want to.
[He knows Varian and Usagi both go very hard on people being able to redeem themselves, but he knows from people like Martin that sometimes it's a futile effort.]
[Varian stills. A part of him wants to argue this- to insist that Maul must want to, that the last near-as-damnit two years of his life trying to help him to be better hasn't been wasted. But he doesn't. His shoulders just...slump.]
I- I'm starting to wonder if that's the case. I just- I keep trying and keep thinking he's changing or he wants to change and he just- he keeps going back on it every time.
[And every time he and Usagi listen to his sorries and his promises he won't do it again and every damn time he goes back on it. He squeezes Fern a little tighter, finally voicing something that's been deeply worrying him.]
But...what does it say about me if he can't be redeemed?
[Does that mean he wasn't really worthy of it, either?]
[This is probably the last thing Varian wants to hear, especially right now, but in Fern's mind it's seeming more and more likely. And the sooner Varian can accept this, he hopes, the less likely corruption can roll in again and the better he'll be off mentally.
He makes a noise like a sigh, quietly hating that his boyfriend is comparing himself to Maul, and starts to rub his back gently. Self-loathing, it's the worst thing ever.]
It says you and him aren't the same. That you're better than he is. I know that's gonna be impossible to believe, but....
[He pulls back a bit, reaching to tilt Varian's chin up.]
You're not a bad person. Maul's - Maul's more like Martin, and you are not like Martin.
[He definitely doesn't want to hear it, but it's something he needs to hear, all the same. He knows he's been putting far too much of his own self-worth, of his own redemption onto Maul. He knows it's unhealthy and the more and more Maul lets him down the more and more it hurts.
He's getting so damn tired of being hurt like this. He lets Fern tilt his chin up- not able to or willing to hide that exhaustion and hurt in his expression. The Martin comparison really hits home for him. Because Fern is right, he's nothing like Martin.]
I'd never be like him. [Not for a goddamn second. He'd die first. He lets out a shaky breath.] Y-you're right. I know, I know you're right. I just keep trying and hoping and wondering what I'm doing wrong but...I think this is all on him. I'm not convinced he wants to change at all.
[Fern relaxes a tiny bit, relieved that Varian isn't curling in on himself. That was a strong possibility, given how much he ties his self-worth to redemption and being able to help other people, so... so this is a little bit selfish, but it's a good kind of selfish. It's progress.]
I'm not, either.
[He shifts his hand slightly, resting it against Varian's cheek gently.]
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I know how important this is to you. I can't even imagine how much this must hurt.
[He wants to curl in on himself. So very desperately. But he knows that won't help matters. Not really, not at all. He needs to focus on this, on figuring out on how to move past this. Letting it eat away at him won't help anything.
He leans his head on Fern's hand - eventually turning his face to press a little kiss against his palm.]
It's not the most fun thing in the world. I just...[he sighs] I don't know. I really, really thought he wanted to be better. I just feel really lied to. I've been here for nearly two years of my life now and almost all that time I've tried to back him up and I-
[He exhales slowly, shifting to rest his head on Fern's shoulder.]
[Fern makes a soft noise like a sigh. It's heartbreaking seeing Varian like this - it makes him want to march over to Maul and slug him. Or stab him, even though he knows neither will help. He hates that this isn't the first time he's felt this way, either, and it's getting tiring.]
You need a break. From trying to fix him, and - and maybe just from him. So you can focus on yourself and not let yourself get dragged down by him.
[He knows Fern is right. He knows it. Varian is terrible at looking after himself but he knows now that it's not optional for him. He has to start taking his own self-care seriously or he'll end up with another repeat of his corruption, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to put the people he loves through all that again. He can't put Fern through that again.]
I know. I don't think anything I'm doing is going to make a difference. I've been through this too many times. I know I have to step back and leave him to deal with this on his own. He tells me if I leave him in the dark he can't find his way back but...how many times do I have to go down into that dark to bring him back? [He hugs his arms around Fern a little tighter.] I can't keep doing it. I know that. Even if it makes me feel like a failiure.
[Like he's failed Maul, like he's failed himself. ]
He said that? [Oh, oh that just lights a whole new angry fire in Fern. Maul is a Globbin' adult here and he's putting all of his self-improvement on Varian, who isn't even eighteen yet. Varian, who still has so much of his own baggage he's working through.
Fern grits his teeth, shifting, grabbing Varian's shoulders.]
You are not going back to that jerk. If he's dumping that much blame on you then he deserves to be on his own. You're not responsible for him, he was a gigantic wad for letting you and Usagi do that to begin with! This - this is textbook Martin!
[Fern's sudden shift makes him start, just for a moment, before he relents, brow furrowing as he drops his gaze to their feet. He knows Fern's right. This is textbook Martin. This is being used and tossed aside and it hurts. ]
I don't know if it's blaming so much as...being afraid of being left alone. But you're right. It's still...making me feel guilty enough to stay. And I'm stupid enough to keep buying it because if I leave him to his own devices that makes me the terrible person.
[This really just cements things in Fern's mind, and he hates that it's taken this long. He hates that he's given Maul any chances at all, that he didn't know about this sooner, that he didn't do something to protect Varian from the guy earlier. He should have done more, and he didn't, and now Varian is paying for it.]
You aren't, V. He's the one who dug his own grave, he should be the one to lie in it. Alone, because he doesn't actually care about you. Not you or me or anyone else - if he did he'd be trying, he wouldn't be happily donking things up yet again. [This grip on Varian's shoulders tighten slightly.] He wants to be alone, and he deserves it.
[Varian heaves out a sigh, finally looking up at him properly.]
I know. I wish I'd seen it sooner. I just- he keeps saying this and he won't let me leave and I can't...I just can't do it anymore. Every time I think he's getting better he just...turns around and does this.
[And Varian has hit his limit for weathering this particular storm.]
I hate this. I hate that I let him get this close and I hate that he hurt me and doesn't even care. I hate I was stupid enough to keep...trailing along and believing him every time he told me he was sorry.
[Fern does his very best to keep his anger under control, to not grab the nearest beaker and smash it. It's Varian's lab so he owns everything and he doesn't want to wreck the place because he can't control himself.
But it's hard. It's really, really hard, and he can't help the thorns rising up on his body. Maul has been just as controlling as - as Martin, as the Grassy Wizard, as Gumbald - and he hates that he didn't see it before.]
It wasn't your fault. [He makes a frustrated noise.] I know that isn't gonna magically make you feel better, but it wasn't. He said everything he needed to to make you believe him - to make all of us believe him. You did what you thought was right and he took advantage of you.
[The thorns are a concern, and without being too worried about being caught on them, Varian shifts, moving his hand to the side of Fern's head, fingers brushing through his hair as he lets out a soft, soothing hushing sound. He does that for a few moments, before speaking again. ]
I know, I do know. I just...need a little time to believe it. I know he used me...us, and he'll probably just keep doing it unless we stop letting him. [Maul's made it clear he has no intention to actually change. Nothing ever stops with him. ] I know it's time to stop.
[The hand carding through his hair helps calm him down, and he takes a few moments to just close his eyes and focus on Varian. It's fine, things are fine now, for everything Maul has done he isn't doing it right now - Varian is safe right now.
He gives a small nod, trying to push all that anger out and let relief flood him. I know it's time to stop - that helps immensely.]
Y... yeah. And I'm gonna be with you every step of the way. No matter what that jerk does or says to you.
[Varian keeps one with the soft, gentle motions, fingers carefully carding through Fern's hair, smoothing it out, carefully taking out the tangles in it as he does so. He presses a kiss to his boyfriend's temple. ]
Thank you. I know you will. I can always rely on you.
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droptheious) wrote2021-06-20 12:39 am
 "un/finished")
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cawaii
no subject
I just- I don't know. I keep trying everything with him, and every time I think he's getting somewhere, he just turns back around and wrecks it all. It's like...self-sabotage or something.
no subject
Or... [And this is a big 'or' that he never wanted to get into, but has been at the back of his mind for quite some time.]
Or he doesn't want to get better. He's just saying that to placate you and Usagi. He's one of those people who just... doesn't want to.
[He knows Varian and Usagi both go very hard on people being able to redeem themselves, but he knows from people like Martin that sometimes it's a futile effort.]
He's just a bad person.
no subject
I- I'm starting to wonder if that's the case. I just- I keep trying and keep thinking he's changing or he wants to change and he just- he keeps going back on it every time.
[And every time he and Usagi listen to his sorries and his promises he won't do it again and every damn time he goes back on it. He squeezes Fern a little tighter, finally voicing something that's been deeply worrying him.]
But...what does it say about me if he can't be redeemed?
[Does that mean he wasn't really worthy of it, either?]
no subject
He makes a noise like a sigh, quietly hating that his boyfriend is comparing himself to Maul, and starts to rub his back gently. Self-loathing, it's the worst thing ever.]
It says you and him aren't the same. That you're better than he is. I know that's gonna be impossible to believe, but....
[He pulls back a bit, reaching to tilt Varian's chin up.]
You're not a bad person. Maul's - Maul's more like Martin, and you are not like Martin.
no subject
He's getting so damn tired of being hurt like this. He lets Fern tilt his chin up- not able to or willing to hide that exhaustion and hurt in his expression. The Martin comparison really hits home for him. Because Fern is right, he's nothing like Martin.]
I'd never be like him. [Not for a goddamn second. He'd die first. He lets out a shaky breath.] Y-you're right. I know, I know you're right. I just keep trying and hoping and wondering what I'm doing wrong but...I think this is all on him. I'm not convinced he wants to change at all.
no subject
I'm not, either.
[He shifts his hand slightly, resting it against Varian's cheek gently.]
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I know how important this is to you. I can't even imagine how much this must hurt.
no subject
He leans his head on Fern's hand - eventually turning his face to press a little kiss against his palm.]
It's not the most fun thing in the world. I just...[he sighs] I don't know. I really, really thought he wanted to be better. I just feel really lied to. I've been here for nearly two years of my life now and almost all that time I've tried to back him up and I-
[He exhales slowly, shifting to rest his head on Fern's shoulder.]
I'm just really tired of this.
no subject
You need a break. From trying to fix him, and - and maybe just from him. So you can focus on yourself and not let yourself get dragged down by him.
no subject
I know. I don't think anything I'm doing is going to make a difference. I've been through this too many times. I know I have to step back and leave him to deal with this on his own. He tells me if I leave him in the dark he can't find his way back but...how many times do I have to go down into that dark to bring him back? [He hugs his arms around Fern a little tighter.] I can't keep doing it. I know that. Even if it makes me feel like a failiure.
[Like he's failed Maul, like he's failed himself. ]
no subject
Fern grits his teeth, shifting, grabbing Varian's shoulders.]
You are not going back to that jerk. If he's dumping that much blame on you then he deserves to be on his own. You're not responsible for him, he was a gigantic wad for letting you and Usagi do that to begin with! This - this is textbook Martin!
no subject
[Fern's sudden shift makes him start, just for a moment, before he relents, brow furrowing as he drops his gaze to their feet. He knows Fern's right. This is textbook Martin. This is being used and tossed aside and it hurts. ]
I don't know if it's blaming so much as...being afraid of being left alone. But you're right. It's still...making me feel guilty enough to stay. And I'm stupid enough to keep buying it because if I leave him to his own devices that makes me the terrible person.
no subject
You aren't, V. He's the one who dug his own grave, he should be the one to lie in it. Alone, because he doesn't actually care about you. Not you or me or anyone else - if he did he'd be trying, he wouldn't be happily donking things up yet again. [This grip on Varian's shoulders tighten slightly.] He wants to be alone, and he deserves it.
no subject
I know. I wish I'd seen it sooner. I just- he keeps saying this and he won't let me leave and I can't...I just can't do it anymore. Every time I think he's getting better he just...turns around and does this.
[And Varian has hit his limit for weathering this particular storm.]
I hate this. I hate that I let him get this close and I hate that he hurt me and doesn't even care. I hate I was stupid enough to keep...trailing along and believing him every time he told me he was sorry.
no subject
But it's hard. It's really, really hard, and he can't help the thorns rising up on his body. Maul has been just as controlling as - as Martin, as the Grassy Wizard, as Gumbald - and he hates that he didn't see it before.]
It wasn't your fault. [He makes a frustrated noise.] I know that isn't gonna magically make you feel better, but it wasn't. He said everything he needed to to make you believe him - to make all of us believe him. You did what you thought was right and he took advantage of you.
no subject
I know, I do know. I just...need a little time to believe it. I know he used me...us, and he'll probably just keep doing it unless we stop letting him. [Maul's made it clear he has no intention to actually change. Nothing ever stops with him. ] I know it's time to stop.
no subject
He gives a small nod, trying to push all that anger out and let relief flood him. I know it's time to stop - that helps immensely.]
Y... yeah. And I'm gonna be with you every step of the way. No matter what that jerk does or says to you.
no subject
Thank you. I know you will. I can always rely on you.
no subject
You'll get through this. I know you will.
no subject
Y-yeah, I really hope so. I- so long as I still have you around, I think I have a better chance at it.