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[Aww, look at him go. Varian's glad he's enjoying himself. ]
Great, I'm sure I can barter some alchemy supplies for you- get a real feast going- and then we can go see what's up top.
[Plus getting food in him the way he's gulping the beer would be...wise. He stands up, patting the table.]
Sit tight, I'm gonna go see what I can get for us.
[And off her goes to the barkeep again. It takes a lot of talking, and a lot of gesturing- and more than a few alchemy bombs are passed across the table- but eventually Varian returns with a triumphant grin.]
Okay, he's gonna bring over a little bit of everything for you to try. Most of it sounded... well, kinda like the suspicious meat you'd find in the Snuggly Duckling before Lance started cooking there, but it should be okay!
[Aw geez, this is shaping up to be a great date. Of course, Fern is a very simple person and any date involving a feast is going to be a great one.
While Varian does that Fern finishes off his beer. He downed that thing far faster than someone of his weight and tolerance should have, and it making his head buzz pleasantly. It's making him think that this is all really nice, this creepy Watchtower place, the beer, the effort Varian is putting into this whole date to make it as good as it is despite the roadbumps earlier. Which... aren't really roadbumps, they're more like giant hills. Or mountains. Ones that might not go away, if he decides he wants to find a permanent way to stay human.
Does he even want to do that? Eating and drinking like a normal person is nice, but that's only one aspect of himself. There's - pretty much everything else he needs to think about. And given how he started out having a panic attack, he isn't totally sure what he wants to do about the everything else part. Really, the only good time he's had so far was with food, and he can still eat when he's grass with the scout badge's magic....
By the time Varian comes back Fern is looking a little more thoughtful.]
I'm all about suspicious meat. [Though he doesn't say that with his usual verve, and he kind of looks down at his empty flagon.] Hey, are you having fun so far...?
[Varian is definitely working a lot harder than usual to make his day work for Fern. He's still deeply uncomfortable, but he doesn't want to be. He wants to be supportive and to be able to stand by his statements- that he loves Fern no matter what he looks like. And while that's very true- his feelings for Fern haven't shifted in the least. But he'd be lying if he said he'd gotten rid of all his jitters yet.
But he's also aware if Fern chooses this for himself, he'd going to have to deal with it. No ifs or buts about that at all. He'd just need to learn to get over himself. He catches the tone in Fern's voice and worry starts prickling at his chest again. Instead of moving to the seat he was before, he slides in next to his boyfriend, a hand moving to grip his shoulder gently. ]
Of course, I am. Fern, I could literally be standing in the middle of an empty room and I'd still be having fun if I was with you. [Oh, but he's so very worried.] Are...are you having fun? Are you feeling okay?
[At the touch, Fern automatically leans into it. It would normally be a small comfort, but it reminds him of his temporary humanness like before they came out here. He finds himself hating that it just can't be a nice gesture like it normally would be when he was grass. It makes him frown as he looks down at Varian's hand, not moving, but not happy.
Urgh, this is complicated.]
I'm - I'm okay. Yeah. I'm just - thinking. [The beer is making him think, that's not a good sign.] I'm having fun, but I'm not sure if I'm just... having fun doing a normal human thing, or having fun just being me.
[He snorts at this.]
And if I got no clue about what's going on in my own head then I definitely don't know what's going on in yours.
[Fern's unease is adding to Varian's anxiety about all of this. He's torn between being honest with his boyfriend or trying to edge around things to make this an easier process. He eventually settles for the former. He doesn't want to start lying to the other boy now. ]
I mean- I've already made it pretty clear that I don't think you have to change to become...I don't know, more you? Or- or better? I guess? I already thought you were perfect just as you were.
[He can't say otherwise. He doesn't want his opinion to sway a massive life choice like this, it's not fair, but his feelings remain the same. He exhales softly, his arm moving to wrap around Fern's shoulders instead- pulling him gently against him in a half-hug.]
But that's not for me to decide. Only you can decide what it is you want to make you...happy. But I'm with you no matter what you choose. And- and if you need help figuring that out, I'll listen and help with that. [He presses a kiss to Fern's temple- it's flesh and blood and it doesn't feel exactly right, but he does it anyway.] Whatever you need.
[He appreciates the honesty, even if hearing it makes his heart sink. He's happy for the hug, leaning into it and resting his head against Varian's.]
I want you to be right. I wanna be as comfortable with being grass as you are with me being that way, but....
It's hard. Maybe that's the problem. [He starts to reach for Varian's hand but, upon seeing his own very human hand, pauses and instead curls his fingers.] I hate what happened to me, and I hate being so different from everyone else. The only things that understand me are - um.
[Ohhhh, he's cutting himself off as he realizes he very nearly dove into that I can understand other plants hole. Which is scary, and he's deliberately avoiding telling Varian about that because he's been having such a hard time....
But he's doing better now, so maybe he should just get on with it? He doesn't like keeping this from his boyfriend, and now doesn't seem like the worst time, so he draws in a deep breath.]
[Varian catches the stalled motion and it makes his chest hurt. He hates this so much. This is something he categorically can't help Fern with. He can provide support, he can stand with him, but he can't give Fern an answer. He can't tell Fern exactly what the right way to go here is. Because he doesn't know himself. ]
I know you do. It's- it's not fair what happened to you.
[It isn't. Having his entire life ripped away and having someone else live it for him. He can't imagine how gut-wrenching that is to experience. But Fern keeps talking and this is clearly something big and the worry already gnawing at him grows tenfold. ]
[Okay, he can do this. He can do this! It's Varian, out of everyone in Trench he's going to be the most okay with this. He's going to be the one right there, ready to help him through it.
He's quietly realizing that's true, and so the reason for his anxiety is...? What? Why should he be so worried about this? It shouldn't stress Varian out as much as it would have a few weeks ago when he wasn't sleeping, so....
So maybe it's less about being worried about Varian, and more about having to face this new ability. It still scares him, after all. He swallows thickly, feeling his pulse speed up.]
I... can kiiind of understand other plants, now. Remember those flowers that the Moon Presence was growing everywhere a month ago? Their feelings were in my head.
[Ugh, just remembering that is giving him anxiety.]
[Varian's quiet, chewing on his lip as he listens to Fern speak. There were a hundred...a thousand things running in his head as possible things for Fern to want to speak to him about, but he never would have guessed this. He stills, taking it in.]
The...the plants that died horrifically? You- so you have... what? An empathetic link to them now? Like...you can feel what they feel?
[Oh no, this could be bad, Varian's immediately thinking of the long-range issues that would come with this, and his worry is becoming more apparent as he speaks, his shoulders tensing.]
Is- is it with all plants here? Like that- that's gotta be a lot, all the time. Does it hurt you if they get hurt? I don't-
[He stops, as he realises something that makes his heart sink.]
Is... that why you wanted this? The... the human thing? Is it that bad?
[Was Fern suffering without him even realising? He's been so distracted with the lack of sleep and all the weird stuff he was seeing and the fact his skin had changed colour that he hadn't noticed. How had he not noticed? And here he is feeling cruddy about something that might be Fern trying to escape actual real pain. The self-loathing that has been bubbling somewhere in the back of his head since this whole thing started surges anew. ]
[Ah, well then. Varian is already putting two and two together in regards to his plant empathy and the mass flower die-off. Fern shifts uncomfortably, hating that he underestimated his boyfriend. But he's gone down this road, so there's no going back.]
That's what it feels like. I could never do this in Ooo or in Deerington, so it must have something to do with my darkblood.
[He chews on his lower lip, feeling Varian tense up. That plus the inundation of questions has his anxiety continuing to build, and he's realizing this may not have been the best idea. He needs to do whatever he can to allay Varian's fears before they become too much for him.]
It's - it's okay. You've been dealing with a lot, and I didn't want to tell you until things calmed down a little. [He has no idea if that helps at all, he hopes that's reassuring and he continues.] I think you're right about how it works. I spent all month thinking I was hearing voices, and then when all the flowers died it - you're right, it hurt. A lot.
[He has to draw in another deep breath, keep going. Keep on going.]
Luz helped me when that happened, but... yeah. That's a big part of why I wanted to try this. But it's starting to feel like I'm just running away instead of trying something new.
[He is categorically not taking this well at all. He shakes his head vehemently, a frightened, hurt little nope escaping his lips. His arm moves from around Fern to hug around himself tightly, in that self-comfort way he has when he's trying his best to not go off the deep end.
Fern's been hurting. Fern's been hurting all month and he never even knew. He ended up getting help, but it wasn't from Varian. He feels like he's absolutely failed the person he loves the most and it's making his heart wrench in his chest. ]
You should have told me. It's- it's not okay. You were in a lot of pain and I didn't even realise. It doesn't matter what I'm dealing with [he doesn't matter] I- I should have been able to help you.
[The self-loathing bites back all the harder. He didn't help. He was just absorbed in his own thing and Fern was hurt enough that he chose this. A whole other form to escape it. And Varian had the gall to feel uncomfortable with that. He sinks lower in his chair, making himself as small as possible. The hunters are starting to turn to watch this and he doesn't care. The air around them warms with his growing emotional distress. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry this place did this to you and...and I'm sorry I couldn't help you. You- you deserve better than that. [He sucks in a deep breath, pulling it back together. He at least this time realises what's happening, tries to calm down- tries to put a hold on his powers before they cause trouble and the temperature starts to even out again. ] I just- I don't want you to be hurting. Or- or hearing voices. I want to help you with that.
[Oh. Oh, geez. Varian's reaction is exactly why he didn't tell him immediately. This is exactly what he didn't want. Varian is clinging and reflexively wraps his arm around him in return, his own pulse speeding up at he feels the air surrounding them heating up. A beat later and he notices the hunters glancing their way, and in return he gives them a sharp look before focusing on his boyfriend.
He needs him to calm down. Even if he isn't as flammable as he is like this compared to when he's grass, the last thing either of them need is something or someone getting set on fire.]
You're helping me right now!
[He can only hope that gets through to the other boy, and he continues, hesitantly pressing a kiss against his temple. It isn't going to feel the same as if he was grass, but he wants to do anything that may help.]
That's what's important, okay? You're here right now, when I need you. [That needs to be made absolutely clear.] It's not like you weren't there for me before. You got nothing to feel bad about. You would've been if I had told you, but I didn't want you to be.
[And that was a mistake. That was such a huge mistake, he wishes he could have taken that back. He wishes he had done things differently.]
I'm - I'm sorry for that. I should've told you sooner. What you've been dealing with matters, V, and I didn't wanna hurt you even more. [He draws in a shorter breath, holding him closer.] I'm sorry for hurting you now.
[Varian only just registers the kiss to his temple. He's too busy trying to even out his breathing- trying to focus on the surging emotions that he know will add fuel to the literal fire. He doesn't want to lose control here. He cannot have a repeat of what happened at the canals- not ever again. ]
I do feel bad about it though. I - Fern you were struggling and I didn't even know.
[There's a waver to his voice which he tries to bite back, his whole body tenses like he's trying to pull away- but Fern's got a pretty good grip on him.]
I should have known. What- what sort of person does that make me if I can't even tell when my boyfriend is suffering?
[A pretty damn shitty one, in his opinion. And even now, Fern is focussing on his upset rather than what's important here. He shakes his head, fingers tangling in the fabric of Fern's shirt.]
Don't. You- you shouldn't be the one that's sorry. You're the- the one dealing with all of this right now. You're the last person who should be sorry.
[He opens his mouth to argue, but... he can't. Not really. Varian is right, he was struggling. He thought he was hearing the Lich, he dragged Ange on a whole wild goose chase, he nearly hurt Luz again....
His guts twisting at how much worse he's feeling, he closes his mouth. At least though, he doesn't let go of the other boy. Partially to make sure he's getting the physical support he obviously needs, but because he's finding his growing anxiety is making him need to cling back.
Still, it seems too much to have expected the other boy to notice the distress he was in, not when he was in such a bad state. Fern hates that Varian is beating himself up over that, though he understands why. If he wants in his position he'd do the exact same thing. Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to any of this, for either of them.]
I still am. [He sniffs, just burying his face in Varian's hair.] Maybe... maybe we should just be okay with being sorry, and figure out what to do next.
[Because he doubts he's ever going to stop feeling sorry, and he figures Varian is in that same boat.]
[Varian doesn't want to be okay with it. He doesn't feel like he deserves that. The guilt and self-loathing is growing enough to be overwhelming. He doesn't answer Fern right away- he just curls up into him, staring into the middle distance as his own damaging thoughts nip at his mind. He should have noticed, he should have done something, he didn't even SEE when his boyfriend needed him.
He sucks in a shuddery breath. As much as he hates this, he knows Fern is right. If he lets this eat him alive they won't go anywhere. They're supposed to be using this world to get better, to be better. They can't move forward if they're always dropping backwards. He closes his eyes, steeling himself, before tilting his head to blink up at his boyfriend. ]
Okay. [It's spoken quietly, worriedly, but still firm. ] We- we can do that.
[That silence is deeply concerning. For a few moments Fern is scared that his suggestion isn't going to be enough, that the air is going to keep on heating up as Varian descends into the turmoil that's roiling around in his head, that the utterly tormented look on his face isn't going to go away. What if that doesn't work, what if they don't work? On top of all of this, he's acutely aware of his pulse thundering in his ears, and his body temperature being so much warmer than Varian's, and it's all unwelcome distractions when he should be able to focus on hundred percent on his boyfriend.
It isn't until he hears a response that he realizes he's been holding his breath.]
Okay.
[His voice is soft, and he takes a few moments to just hold Varian close. From the other boy's tone this agreement doesn't mean anything is fixed, but it's a step in the right direction.
He looks up, realizing the Hunters are still watching them, a few looking rather smug. A violent urge rises up in him - he wants to go pick fights with those guys for thinking their relationship trouble is good entertainment - but he knows Varian is more important right now, so he does his best to push those feelings down and focus on his boyfriend.]
I'm... not sure I'm that hungry. You wanna head up? It'll be more private.
[Then they can keep talking and not get stared at.]
[Varian's definitely not feeling hungry anymore. He feels sick to his stomach. This isn't the only rough patch he and Fern have been through, and he's pretty certain they can weather this one, too. But right now it feels like so much. He feels like he's genuinely failed the other boy when he was needed the most. It's making him feel selfish in a way he hasn't for a long, long time.
He feels Fern tense against him and when his boyfriend mentions going somewhere private and he realises why. He turns his head to glower at the Hunters watching them, anger spiking in his own chest, too. He kind of wants to go off on them. Hell, it might help make him feel better- though it would absolutely end with him getting his ass kicked. He swallows it down. No. Deal with Fern. ]
...Yeah, okay. We should do that.
[He untangles his vice-grip on his boyfriend, pulling himself up to his feet. He grabs Fern's bag for him, slinging it over his own shoulder. That deep, unsettled worry is lingering in his eyes, but he still holds out a hand for Fern to take.]
[It might not be a good idea to do anything about those Hunters right now, but Fern is sure as heck memorizing those faces so he can make them regret this later. Sometime when they aren't actively trying to deal with more important relationship issues.
He nods softly, letting go of Varian with a great deal of reluctance. After standing he scoops up his sword, carefully tucking it under his arm so that he can hold Varian's hand. From there he'll lead the other boy through the rest of the Watchtower's main floor, over to the winding stairs and up, up, up until they reach as high as they can go without climbing the exterior.
He's right. The view is spectacular, looking out over the creepy, ominous lands that extend beyond Trench. Fern grips Varian's hand a bit tighter as he stares, taking it all in.]
[Varian's quiet, staring at the ground as they move up the stairs. Everything is just roiling around in his head. Intrusive, nasty thoughts that make him want to turn tail and go home. To lock himself up somewhere out of the way and be as alone as he deserves.
He keeps running the last month over and over in his head. What he missed- what he didn't see. How many times he failed the person he loves the most. He knows Fern's right. They need to be okay with being sorry, and he's trying to cement that in his mind. That concept is having one hell of a battle with his inner demons right now.
The feel of the breeze on his face makes him look up from the floor- eyebrows raising at the sight. ]
[It's funny, the view is impressive, but another thought is sneaking into his mind as he stares out at it.]
Yeah....
[The window in front of them is massive, offering plenty of whatever light is outside to filter in and a clear view of their surroundings. Fern tugs a bit on Varian's hand, stepping on over to it, and dropping down onto the large windowsill to sit. Thankfully, this area of the Watchtower appears to be empty right now, so they have the privacy they need.
Fern hopes this will help. There's still that thrum at the back of his mind, to go back downstairs and give those Hunters a piece of his mind (and demon blood sword), and he keeps on trying to ignore it. Their relationship is more important, Varian is more important than (what is very obviously petty though he'd never admit it) revenge.
It's a bit of a struggle, but he's managing, and he looks over at Varian.]
It's really nice, but I keep thinking it'd be better if I was grass and looking at it with you. [He lets go of his boyfriend's hand so he can set his sword down, and then gesture out at the forest.] Which is scary, 'cause that's a heck of a lot of trees out there.
[And the whole nature communication thing is a lot to deal with.]
[Varian follows him, glad for the privacy. The view really is lovely, even if his emotions are still in turmoil. He sits down, trying to look less nervous than he actually is. With his hand released, he moves it to grip his other arm, worried, unsure- trying to comfort himself.
Still, he wasn't expecting Fern to say that and blinks up at him, surprised.]
Really? Even... even with all the problems you're having with... hearing them?
[Thankfully, he notices the nervousness in the other boy, so once he's sitting he reaches out to rest his hand over Varian's.]
It sounds stupid, I know.
[Fern sounds sheepish, any reasonable person would probably just do whatever they could to get rid of this stupid power. No one needs to know what plants are thinking.
But it's different for him. He's a plant, he's been one for years, and... as much as he dislikes it, he's starting to realize that's just a part of who Fern is. So he sighs, giving Varian's hand a squeeze, a blush starting to darken his cheeks.]
But... Luz helped me out last time. I know you can help me out if I get freaked out by them again. I can't handle this on my own, but I think I can do it with you.
[The hand is very much welcome, and Varian turns his own so it can grip Fern's tightly like this is a liferaft keeping him afloat. ]
It's not stupid. None of your feelings are stupid.
[It's important that Fern knows that. Varian doesn't want him to dismiss any of his feelings- they matter. They matter so much. He listens to Fern speak, and it does ease the guilt churning in his stomach a little. ]
Of course. I- [he almost apologises for missing it again, but swallows it down] I'll be there the whole way, okay? I'll- I'll be better next time. I won't let you handle it alone.
[Fern grips Varian's hand in return, feeling the same way. Varian is and always has been his support and stability, and right now is no exception. He gives him a soft smile, feeling a little reassured. If Varian thinks his feelings aren't stupid, then he's inclined to believe him over his own terrible mind.]
Th... thanks.
[This is all still terrifying to think about given what happened with the flowers, but... he can do this. He'll be okay.
He leans in, to pull Varian into a hug.]
I think that's all I want. I feel more sure about wanting this than just about everything else, at least.
[The hug is extremely welcoming. He'd been scared something had been shaken between them- it's been a while since things had been that worrisome. But the hug strengthens things. He knows they can deal with anything so long as they stick together. He just needs to watch Fern a little better- notice the signs that things aren't going so well before it's too late.
He absolutely won't let it get this bad ever again. He tightens his grip around Fern.]
I'm- I'm really glad to hear that. I don't...I don't want my feelings to impact any of your choices. I just...I just want you to feel happy, you know? That you're making the right choices for you.
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droptheious) wrote2021-06-20 12:39 am
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cawaii
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Great, I'm sure I can barter some alchemy supplies for you- get a real feast going- and then we can go see what's up top.
[Plus getting food in him the way he's gulping the beer would be...wise. He stands up, patting the table.]
Sit tight, I'm gonna go see what I can get for us.
[And off her goes to the barkeep again. It takes a lot of talking, and a lot of gesturing- and more than a few alchemy bombs are passed across the table- but eventually Varian returns with a triumphant grin.]
Okay, he's gonna bring over a little bit of everything for you to try. Most of it sounded... well, kinda like the suspicious meat you'd find in the Snuggly Duckling before Lance started cooking there, but it should be okay!
no subject
[Aw geez, this is shaping up to be a great date. Of course, Fern is a very simple person and any date involving a feast is going to be a great one.
While Varian does that Fern finishes off his beer. He downed that thing far faster than someone of his weight and tolerance should have, and it making his head buzz pleasantly. It's making him think that this is all really nice, this creepy Watchtower place, the beer, the effort Varian is putting into this whole date to make it as good as it is despite the roadbumps earlier. Which... aren't really roadbumps, they're more like giant hills. Or mountains. Ones that might not go away, if he decides he wants to find a permanent way to stay human.
Does he even want to do that? Eating and drinking like a normal person is nice, but that's only one aspect of himself. There's - pretty much everything else he needs to think about. And given how he started out having a panic attack, he isn't totally sure what he wants to do about the everything else part. Really, the only good time he's had so far was with food, and he can still eat when he's grass with the scout badge's magic....
By the time Varian comes back Fern is looking a little more thoughtful.]
I'm all about suspicious meat. [Though he doesn't say that with his usual verve, and he kind of looks down at his empty flagon.] Hey, are you having fun so far...?
no subject
But he's also aware if Fern chooses this for himself, he'd going to have to deal with it. No ifs or buts about that at all. He'd just need to learn to get over himself. He catches the tone in Fern's voice and worry starts prickling at his chest again. Instead of moving to the seat he was before, he slides in next to his boyfriend, a hand moving to grip his shoulder gently. ]
Of course, I am. Fern, I could literally be standing in the middle of an empty room and I'd still be having fun if I was with you. [Oh, but he's so very worried.] Are...are you having fun? Are you feeling okay?
no subject
Urgh, this is complicated.]
I'm - I'm okay. Yeah. I'm just - thinking. [The beer is making him think, that's not a good sign.] I'm having fun, but I'm not sure if I'm just... having fun doing a normal human thing, or having fun just being me.
[He snorts at this.]
And if I got no clue about what's going on in my own head then I definitely don't know what's going on in yours.
no subject
I mean- I've already made it pretty clear that I don't think you have to change to become...I don't know, more you? Or- or better? I guess? I already thought you were perfect just as you were.
[He can't say otherwise. He doesn't want his opinion to sway a massive life choice like this, it's not fair, but his feelings remain the same. He exhales softly, his arm moving to wrap around Fern's shoulders instead- pulling him gently against him in a half-hug.]
But that's not for me to decide. Only you can decide what it is you want to make you...happy. But I'm with you no matter what you choose. And- and if you need help figuring that out, I'll listen and help with that. [He presses a kiss to Fern's temple- it's flesh and blood and it doesn't feel exactly right, but he does it anyway.] Whatever you need.
no subject
I want you to be right. I wanna be as comfortable with being grass as you are with me being that way, but....
It's hard. Maybe that's the problem. [He starts to reach for Varian's hand but, upon seeing his own very human hand, pauses and instead curls his fingers.] I hate what happened to me, and I hate being so different from everyone else. The only things that understand me are - um.
[Ohhhh, he's cutting himself off as he realizes he very nearly dove into that I can understand other plants hole. Which is scary, and he's deliberately avoiding telling Varian about that because he's been having such a hard time....
But he's doing better now, so maybe he should just get on with it? He doesn't like keeping this from his boyfriend, and now doesn't seem like the worst time, so he draws in a deep breath.]
There's... something I need to tell you.
no subject
I know you do. It's- it's not fair what happened to you.
[It isn't. Having his entire life ripped away and having someone else live it for him. He can't imagine how gut-wrenching that is to experience. But Fern keeps talking and this is clearly something big and the worry already gnawing at him grows tenfold. ]
...Okay? What is it?
no subject
He's quietly realizing that's true, and so the reason for his anxiety is...? What? Why should he be so worried about this? It shouldn't stress Varian out as much as it would have a few weeks ago when he wasn't sleeping, so....
So maybe it's less about being worried about Varian, and more about having to face this new ability. It still scares him, after all. He swallows thickly, feeling his pulse speed up.]
I... can kiiind of understand other plants, now. Remember those flowers that the Moon Presence was growing everywhere a month ago? Their feelings were in my head.
[Ugh, just remembering that is giving him anxiety.]
no subject
The...the plants that died horrifically? You- so you have... what? An empathetic link to them now? Like...you can feel what they feel?
[Oh no, this could be bad, Varian's immediately thinking of the long-range issues that would come with this, and his worry is becoming more apparent as he speaks, his shoulders tensing.]
Is- is it with all plants here? Like that- that's gotta be a lot, all the time. Does it hurt you if they get hurt? I don't-
[He stops, as he realises something that makes his heart sink.]
Is... that why you wanted this? The... the human thing? Is it that bad?
[Was Fern suffering without him even realising? He's been so distracted with the lack of sleep and all the weird stuff he was seeing and the fact his skin had changed colour that he hadn't noticed. How had he not noticed? And here he is feeling cruddy about something that might be Fern trying to escape actual real pain. The self-loathing that has been bubbling somewhere in the back of his head since this whole thing started surges anew. ]
I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't- I didn't know.
no subject
That's what it feels like. I could never do this in Ooo or in Deerington, so it must have something to do with my darkblood.
[He chews on his lower lip, feeling Varian tense up. That plus the inundation of questions has his anxiety continuing to build, and he's realizing this may not have been the best idea. He needs to do whatever he can to allay Varian's fears before they become too much for him.]
It's - it's okay. You've been dealing with a lot, and I didn't want to tell you until things calmed down a little. [He has no idea if that helps at all, he hopes that's reassuring and he continues.] I think you're right about how it works. I spent all month thinking I was hearing voices, and then when all the flowers died it - you're right, it hurt. A lot.
[He has to draw in another deep breath, keep going. Keep on going.]
Luz helped me when that happened, but... yeah. That's a big part of why I wanted to try this. But it's starting to feel like I'm just running away instead of trying something new.
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Fern's been hurting. Fern's been hurting all month and he never even knew. He ended up getting help, but it wasn't from Varian. He feels like he's absolutely failed the person he loves the most and it's making his heart wrench in his chest. ]
You should have told me. It's- it's not okay. You were in a lot of pain and I didn't even realise. It doesn't matter what I'm dealing with [he doesn't matter] I- I should have been able to help you.
[The self-loathing bites back all the harder. He didn't help. He was just absorbed in his own thing and Fern was hurt enough that he chose this. A whole other form to escape it. And Varian had the gall to feel uncomfortable with that. He sinks lower in his chair, making himself as small as possible. The hunters are starting to turn to watch this and he doesn't care. The air around them warms with his growing emotional distress. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry this place did this to you and...and I'm sorry I couldn't help you. You- you deserve better than that. [He sucks in a deep breath, pulling it back together. He at least this time realises what's happening, tries to calm down- tries to put a hold on his powers before they cause trouble and the temperature starts to even out again. ] I just- I don't want you to be hurting. Or- or hearing voices. I want to help you with that.
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He needs him to calm down. Even if he isn't as flammable as he is like this compared to when he's grass, the last thing either of them need is something or someone getting set on fire.]
You're helping me right now!
[He can only hope that gets through to the other boy, and he continues, hesitantly pressing a kiss against his temple. It isn't going to feel the same as if he was grass, but he wants to do anything that may help.]
That's what's important, okay? You're here right now, when I need you. [That needs to be made absolutely clear.] It's not like you weren't there for me before. You got nothing to feel bad about. You would've been if I had told you, but I didn't want you to be.
[And that was a mistake. That was such a huge mistake, he wishes he could have taken that back. He wishes he had done things differently.]
I'm - I'm sorry for that. I should've told you sooner. What you've been dealing with matters, V, and I didn't wanna hurt you even more. [He draws in a shorter breath, holding him closer.] I'm sorry for hurting you now.
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I do feel bad about it though. I - Fern you were struggling and I didn't even know.
[There's a waver to his voice which he tries to bite back, his whole body tenses like he's trying to pull away- but Fern's got a pretty good grip on him.]
I should have known. What- what sort of person does that make me if I can't even tell when my boyfriend is suffering?
[A pretty damn shitty one, in his opinion. And even now, Fern is focussing on his upset rather than what's important here. He shakes his head, fingers tangling in the fabric of Fern's shirt.]
Don't. You- you shouldn't be the one that's sorry. You're the- the one dealing with all of this right now. You're the last person who should be sorry.
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His guts twisting at how much worse he's feeling, he closes his mouth. At least though, he doesn't let go of the other boy. Partially to make sure he's getting the physical support he obviously needs, but because he's finding his growing anxiety is making him need to cling back.
Still, it seems too much to have expected the other boy to notice the distress he was in, not when he was in such a bad state. Fern hates that Varian is beating himself up over that, though he understands why. If he wants in his position he'd do the exact same thing. Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to any of this, for either of them.]
I still am. [He sniffs, just burying his face in Varian's hair.] Maybe... maybe we should just be okay with being sorry, and figure out what to do next.
[Because he doubts he's ever going to stop feeling sorry, and he figures Varian is in that same boat.]
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He sucks in a shuddery breath. As much as he hates this, he knows Fern is right. If he lets this eat him alive they won't go anywhere. They're supposed to be using this world to get better, to be better. They can't move forward if they're always dropping backwards. He closes his eyes, steeling himself, before tilting his head to blink up at his boyfriend. ]
Okay. [It's spoken quietly, worriedly, but still firm. ] We- we can do that.
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It isn't until he hears a response that he realizes he's been holding his breath.]
Okay.
[His voice is soft, and he takes a few moments to just hold Varian close. From the other boy's tone this agreement doesn't mean anything is fixed, but it's a step in the right direction.
He looks up, realizing the Hunters are still watching them, a few looking rather smug. A violent urge rises up in him - he wants to go pick fights with those guys for thinking their relationship trouble is good entertainment - but he knows Varian is more important right now, so he does his best to push those feelings down and focus on his boyfriend.]
I'm... not sure I'm that hungry. You wanna head up? It'll be more private.
[Then they can keep talking and not get stared at.]
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He feels Fern tense against him and when his boyfriend mentions going somewhere private and he realises why. He turns his head to glower at the Hunters watching them, anger spiking in his own chest, too. He kind of wants to go off on them. Hell, it might help make him feel better- though it would absolutely end with him getting his ass kicked. He swallows it down. No. Deal with Fern. ]
...Yeah, okay. We should do that.
[He untangles his vice-grip on his boyfriend, pulling himself up to his feet. He grabs Fern's bag for him, slinging it over his own shoulder. That deep, unsettled worry is lingering in his eyes, but he still holds out a hand for Fern to take.]
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He nods softly, letting go of Varian with a great deal of reluctance. After standing he scoops up his sword, carefully tucking it under his arm so that he can hold Varian's hand. From there he'll lead the other boy through the rest of the Watchtower's main floor, over to the winding stairs and up, up, up until they reach as high as they can go without climbing the exterior.
He's right. The view is spectacular, looking out over the creepy, ominous lands that extend beyond Trench. Fern grips Varian's hand a bit tighter as he stares, taking it all in.]
Wow....
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He keeps running the last month over and over in his head. What he missed- what he didn't see. How many times he failed the person he loves the most. He knows Fern's right. They need to be okay with being sorry, and he's trying to cement that in his mind. That concept is having one hell of a battle with his inner demons right now.
The feel of the breeze on his face makes him look up from the floor- eyebrows raising at the sight. ]
Wow. That's... one heck of a view.
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Yeah....
[The window in front of them is massive, offering plenty of whatever light is outside to filter in and a clear view of their surroundings. Fern tugs a bit on Varian's hand, stepping on over to it, and dropping down onto the large windowsill to sit. Thankfully, this area of the Watchtower appears to be empty right now, so they have the privacy they need.
Fern hopes this will help. There's still that thrum at the back of his mind, to go back downstairs and give those Hunters a piece of his mind (and demon blood sword), and he keeps on trying to ignore it. Their relationship is more important, Varian is more important than (what is very obviously petty though he'd never admit it) revenge.
It's a bit of a struggle, but he's managing, and he looks over at Varian.]
It's really nice, but I keep thinking it'd be better if I was grass and looking at it with you. [He lets go of his boyfriend's hand so he can set his sword down, and then gesture out at the forest.] Which is scary, 'cause that's a heck of a lot of trees out there.
[And the whole nature communication thing is a lot to deal with.]
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Still, he wasn't expecting Fern to say that and blinks up at him, surprised.]
Really? Even... even with all the problems you're having with... hearing them?
[Because Fern made that sound really bad.]
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It sounds stupid, I know.
[Fern sounds sheepish, any reasonable person would probably just do whatever they could to get rid of this stupid power. No one needs to know what plants are thinking.
But it's different for him. He's a plant, he's been one for years, and... as much as he dislikes it, he's starting to realize that's just a part of who Fern is. So he sighs, giving Varian's hand a squeeze, a blush starting to darken his cheeks.]
But... Luz helped me out last time. I know you can help me out if I get freaked out by them again. I can't handle this on my own, but I think I can do it with you.
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It's not stupid. None of your feelings are stupid.
[It's important that Fern knows that. Varian doesn't want him to dismiss any of his feelings- they matter. They matter so much. He listens to Fern speak, and it does ease the guilt churning in his stomach a little. ]
Of course. I- [he almost apologises for missing it again, but swallows it down] I'll be there the whole way, okay? I'll- I'll be better next time. I won't let you handle it alone.
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Th... thanks.
[This is all still terrifying to think about given what happened with the flowers, but... he can do this. He'll be okay.
He leans in, to pull Varian into a hug.]
I think that's all I want. I feel more sure about wanting this than just about everything else, at least.
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He absolutely won't let it get this bad ever again. He tightens his grip around Fern.]
I'm- I'm really glad to hear that. I don't...I don't want my feelings to impact any of your choices. I just...I just want you to feel happy, you know? That you're making the right choices for you.
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