Deerlybeloved

[droptheious]

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Deerlybeloved: Trienemybest
Varian / 17 / M / Bi

Who couldn't love a tiny feral alchemist with a dark past? Sure, he's a little rough around the edges, but he will think you shine like a carbon allotrope. He will stick to you like cyanoacrylate and you'll feel the electricity flowing between you like a galvanic cell. Be the acid to his litmus paper and turn him bright red when he finds you more attractive than francium. He must be made of copper and tellurium because he's a CuTe.

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[laminae]

[Fern hears that clunk and looks over just in time to see an alchemy bomb coming straight towards him. He lands and ducks, just barely avoiding the bomb as it hits the tree behind him instead. Heck yeah, dodged!

... Except he isn't managing to dodge the second one. He tries to dodge again but it hits his foot, and he stumbles, and faceplants very gracefully onto the ground. Classy.]

[droptheious]

[Eat shit, Honey!

There might be a (slightly evil) laugh coming from within the house. There's also the sound of another alchemy bomb being loaded into the catapult. ]

What were you saying about science? Do you wanna repeat that?

[laminae]

[He's doomed. Maybe if he currently wasn't stuck to the ground he'd find the laugh cute but as it is he can't believe he's on the receiving end of what is sounding more than a little diabolically triumphant. He groans and pushes himself up, proceeding to try and yank his foot free, but he's out of luck there.]

I - [He growls in frustration, forming a sword and trying to cut up the sticky goop, but that is also a total failure.]

- I said -

[He tries to cut more and more, getting more worked up even as his sword continues to very obviously not work. So you know what?]

I said science is dumb!

[He digs his foot into the ground, his roots extending from the sole of his foot, and then just yanks all the dirt the sticky solution is attached to up. If he can't free his foot he'll just take the whole dumb science mass with him!!!]

[droptheious]

[He's super doomed and he's not doing himself any favours here. Varian snorts in amusement as Fern starts hacking away at the goop. ]

C'mon, since when has that ever worked on-

[And then Fern just digs his entire foot into the ground and pulls the entire goop with him. Also, he says science is dumb which is super rude and Fighting Words. ]

That is not what you- I don't!!!!! Oh, that's it, that's rude and incorrect!! You're going down!!

[The's a ker-clunk and another alchemy bomb comes sailing out- you gonna be able to dodge with that gunky leg, boyo? ]

[laminae]

[Sometimes stubborn is a very big detriment to one's life. Like right now, with Fern insisting on digging this hole even deeper. He's not even thinking about what he's yelling back, as he struggles to his feet. Or... foot, since his other one isn't in great shape.]

You're going down!!

[He says, before promptly frantically covering his head and ducking to avoid the third bomb.]

[droptheious]

[Fern, this is a terrible life choice right now. Just the worst. ]

Sure doesn't look it from my end!

[The bomb goes sailing over him, but Varian's already loading another.]

You're gonna have to run away eventually~ I got lots of these babies.

[laminae]

[He really needs to learn to quite while he's ahead. One day, one day he'll figure out how to do that.]

You're gonna run out before you get me!

[He looks down at his foot. There isn't much he can do without the solution, and he isn't eager to cut his foot off, even if it'll regrow. Of course, he also isn't given any time to give his situation some thought, since another bomb is sailing his way.

Unfortunately for him, he reacts reflexively, forming a sword and cutting the bomb perfectly in half. Which would be great if that wasn't still releasing the sticky solution inside. Fern stumbles backwards to try and avoid it but steps on his bad foot. He goes down, the solution from the cut bomb pinning him to the ground.]

[droptheious]

[Unlikely, at this point.

Varian watches Fern just...slice the heck out of the sticky bomb and basically own himself. He peers over the edge of the windowsill to watch Fern hit the dirt, surrounded by sticky pink goop. For a moment, at least, he doesn't fire off another bomb, instead folding his arms on the doorframe to lean out and look at his poor, downed boyfriend.]

Sorry, what were you saying? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me winning.

[laminae]

[Welp, this is happening.

Fern is just flailing, kind of like a feral animal that's gotten stuck in a sticky trap, which isn't that far off from what's happened. It's kind of embarrassing, honestly.]

This - this is only a setback! I can get outta this!

[His fingers might be shifting into claws to try and cut up the goop, even though that's only... making him get more stuck. Yup.]

[droptheious]

Uh-huh. Sure you can. I mean, you're doing a great job of it so far.

[He should probably go rescue the green dumbass, but Varian is a petty little shit and he's not going to let Fern win so easily. Still, he plucks a little salt-cellar out of his pocket with the white neutralising formula which would be Fern's salvation.]

I'm just gonna sit here with this until you admit defeat, okay? I'm sure you won't need it, you've obviously got this handled.

[laminae]

[He might be hissing a little in response to that sass. Just a tiny hiss. Because he's totally doing a great job here, he's fine, he's got this.]

I am not admitting defeat...! [In face, he's shooting out a vine from his arm towards Varian, to try and snatch the salt away from him. Take that! Strategy!]

[droptheious]

[You go ahead and hiss away, Fern, he knows when he's got you beat. Varian opens his hand as the vine snatches the salt cellar away, look at how easy that was. Varian lets out a theatrical gasp.]

Oh no. Oh dear. You've sure outfoxed me! There's egg on my face now.

[That's fine. Totally a non-suspicious way of saying that. It's the sound of someone who's definitely just lost a vital chemical component and not the sound of someone who pulled out a salt cellar of itching powder.

Nope. Definitely the first one. He's not sure if it would work on Fern or not, but it'll be fun to find out.]

[laminae]

[There's a tiny voice at the back of Fern's mind that is saying maybe he should have second thoughts about this plan, given how unsurprised Varian is. Like he expected this to happen, or something. But he's so worked up and angry and wanting to fight something and get out of the sticky trap that he ignores any and all common sense, yanking the salt cellar away and just dumping all of it on himself.

Bad idea. Nothing happens for several seconds, the goop doesn't dissolve, and Fern briefly thinks this must be just normal table salt. And then the itching starts.

Fern doesn't have skin, so the feeling is a bit different than what a human would feel. But he still feels it, oh boy, does he feel it. Instead of spots on skin that need to get scratched he's feeling a thousand little spots on individual blades of grass. It's super fun, and he's going to start struggling frantically.]

Dude, what was that junk?!

[droptheious]

[Wow.

He just tipped the entire damn thing on himself, didn't he? Go big or go home, he guesses. He leans on the window frame again, watching Fern struggle. Huh, so it does affect grass. Good to know. He's just going to file that away in the back of his mind. Just in case. ]

Itching powder. It won't kill you. [Just in case Fern feels he'd actually do something that would kill him. You know, just... making sure Fern knows that. ] I knew you'd make a grab for it. I didn't think you'd use the entire thing on yourself, but I probably should have seen that coming.

[He's just gonna... let Fern struggle for a bit there.]

Do you give up yet? Or are you just gonna lay there, stuck to the ground, itchy?

[laminae]

[Cool, great, he isn't going to die, just be itchy for the rest of his life. He loves it. If he didn't currently feel like he was dying he'd very sarcastically thank Varian for this crucial bit of information.

Instead he's going to keep on flailing, right up until he can't take it anymore.]

Fine! I give, I give! Just give me the antidote!

[droptheious]

[Varian watches his boyfriend flail around like a stubborn asshole before he finally relents. He raises a find, clucking his tongue. ]

Nope, you've got to admit science is cool first.

[laminae]

[Varian is the worst. The absolute worst. Fern makes a noise suspiciously close to a growl, his grass all twitchy and pointy.]

Science is cool! Happy??

[droptheious]

[Oh, Fern. Varian likes the growling. It's nowhere near the deterrent you think it is. He finds it endearing as all hell. His smile grows a little at the sound, before he swings a leg over the window frame, pulling himself out. He wanders over to Fern, clearly looking very pleased with himself. ]

See? Was that so hard? You could have put yourself out of your misery ages ago.

[He pulls out another salt cellar from one of his many secret pockets and at least this one does have the neutralising formula in it. He shakes it on the miserable pile of sticky goop and grass boyfriend that's on the ground in front of him and the chemical does its job - look, it even neutralising the itching powder, so kind of him. ]

Theeeere you go.

[laminae]

[Wow no, the growling is supposed to be threatening and scary!! Not endearing, never endearing. That's super rude. All of this is super rude, and Fern lets out another garbled little growl at all the smarm. He doesn't start calming down until Varian has shaken the solution onto him - once the sticky goop dissolves he frantically starts scratching, trying to get the neutraliser in between his grass blades.

After a couple minutes the itchiness fades, leaving him lying there like a sad little loser lump on the ground.]

You're evil. One hundred percent evil.

[Have the most adorably salty glare ever, boyfriendo.]

[droptheious]

[It's super endearing and Fern cannot stop him from finding it so. Maybe next time don't date a weirdo who thinks all your grassy gremlin parts are adorable as hell. The salty glare doubly so. Varian laughs, leaning down to offer a hand to help Fern back up. ]

To be fair, you started it. I just finished it.

[laminae]

[Gosh, he just can't win. He's grumbling, but he takes Varian's hand and hauls himself back onto his feet, trying to brush any stray salt off of himself.]

Ugh, don't remind me. Next time I insult science I'm gonna be prepared for your wrath.

[droptheious]

[May this be a lesson to you, Fern. Varian rolls his eyes lightly. ]

Oooooor you should just not insult science? That's also an option?

[laminae]

[Fern considers this idea for a few moments, then scoffs.]

Yeah, I don't trust myself to be able to do that.

[droptheious]

[Varian eyeballs him for a moment, before shrugging. ]

Okay, you could have chosen the easy path, I see you have not. Duly noted for the future.

[laminae]

Uh, yeah. That's me, never taking the easy way out.

[Hahahaaaa he's doomed.]