Deerlybeloved

[droptheious]

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Deerlybeloved: Trienemybest
Varian / 17 / M / Bi

Who couldn't love a tiny feral alchemist with a dark past? Sure, he's a little rough around the edges, but he will think you shine like a carbon allotrope. He will stick to you like cyanoacrylate and you'll feel the electricity flowing between you like a galvanic cell. Be the acid to his litmus paper and turn him bright red when he finds you more attractive than francium. He must be made of copper and tellurium because he's a CuTe.

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Comments

[droptheious]

[There's already the sound of moving downstairs, Fern. It's too late.]

No no, I think the folders are needed. Because it can explain a lot about you. Like photosynthesis and why herbicides are bad for you (I told you so) and there's no magic that can't be explained by science eventually.

[laminae]

[Oh nooo, he's glancing over towards his bedroom window, debating booking it out of here.]

i think you're exaggerating, we don't need the folders
we really don't

wait geez was that seriously another i told you so

man
i think you're just too attached to science

1/3

[droptheious]

[There's no escape, Fern. You have to come home eventually. ]


We definitely need the folders.

And yes. Seriously another I told you so. I've only got a few days left, I need to get them in.

...

2/3

[droptheious]

3/3

[droptheious]

I see you have chosen death today.

[laminae]

[This was a mistake. This was a huge mistake. He has so many regrets right now.]

i
what

nooo
no no i definitely haven't chosen death!
i barely said anything!

[He might be getting out of bed and going for his window at this point.]

1/3 I am not sorry for any of this

[droptheious]

[Fern has made so many errors this day. ]

No, no. You've made your choice. I see how it is.

2/2

[droptheious]

[And then, somewhat ominously trienemybest is offline.]

3/3

[droptheious]

[Sure are some creepy sounding scraping noises coming from somewhere in the house, though. Sure are those. Are you sure the window is the best choice there, Fern? Are you certain?

Because the window on the ground floor of the house has just cranked open. You know. The one under yours.

It's probably fine. ]

[laminae]

[That is so ominous, and seeing Varian's online status change has Fern stopping dead in his tracks. He stares at his Fluid screen, then types a few messages.]

V?
Varian?

[The noise downstairs gets his attention, and maaaybe it isn't the best idea, but he isn't stopping to think. He books it over to the window, opening it up and climbing out. It's only the second floor so he's fine just... jumping straight to the ground, like he usually does.

It's probably fine.]

[droptheious]

[There is absolutely no response from the Fluid. Varian has ghosted him.

As Fern makes his dramatic leap, there is a cer-clunk sound and an alchemy bomb launches out from the window. It's a sticky one so you... might wanna dodge that, Fern. Varian peeks out from under the window frame, beside him a tiny little catapult- that's the source of the sound at least.

When did Varian make it? Has he always had it? Did he put it together in the scant seconds it took Fern to make a bolt for it? Any of these options are likely. Regardless, he's loading up another one. ]

[laminae]

[Fern hears that clunk and looks over just in time to see an alchemy bomb coming straight towards him. He lands and ducks, just barely avoiding the bomb as it hits the tree behind him instead. Heck yeah, dodged!

... Except he isn't managing to dodge the second one. He tries to dodge again but it hits his foot, and he stumbles, and faceplants very gracefully onto the ground. Classy.]

[droptheious]

[Eat shit, Honey!

There might be a (slightly evil) laugh coming from within the house. There's also the sound of another alchemy bomb being loaded into the catapult. ]

What were you saying about science? Do you wanna repeat that?

[laminae]

[He's doomed. Maybe if he currently wasn't stuck to the ground he'd find the laugh cute but as it is he can't believe he's on the receiving end of what is sounding more than a little diabolically triumphant. He groans and pushes himself up, proceeding to try and yank his foot free, but he's out of luck there.]

I - [He growls in frustration, forming a sword and trying to cut up the sticky goop, but that is also a total failure.]

- I said -

[He tries to cut more and more, getting more worked up even as his sword continues to very obviously not work. So you know what?]

I said science is dumb!

[He digs his foot into the ground, his roots extending from the sole of his foot, and then just yanks all the dirt the sticky solution is attached to up. If he can't free his foot he'll just take the whole dumb science mass with him!!!]

[droptheious]

[He's super doomed and he's not doing himself any favours here. Varian snorts in amusement as Fern starts hacking away at the goop. ]

C'mon, since when has that ever worked on-

[And then Fern just digs his entire foot into the ground and pulls the entire goop with him. Also, he says science is dumb which is super rude and Fighting Words. ]

That is not what you- I don't!!!!! Oh, that's it, that's rude and incorrect!! You're going down!!

[The's a ker-clunk and another alchemy bomb comes sailing out- you gonna be able to dodge with that gunky leg, boyo? ]

[laminae]

[Sometimes stubborn is a very big detriment to one's life. Like right now, with Fern insisting on digging this hole even deeper. He's not even thinking about what he's yelling back, as he struggles to his feet. Or... foot, since his other one isn't in great shape.]

You're going down!!

[He says, before promptly frantically covering his head and ducking to avoid the third bomb.]

[droptheious]

[Fern, this is a terrible life choice right now. Just the worst. ]

Sure doesn't look it from my end!

[The bomb goes sailing over him, but Varian's already loading another.]

You're gonna have to run away eventually~ I got lots of these babies.

[laminae]

[He really needs to learn to quite while he's ahead. One day, one day he'll figure out how to do that.]

You're gonna run out before you get me!

[He looks down at his foot. There isn't much he can do without the solution, and he isn't eager to cut his foot off, even if it'll regrow. Of course, he also isn't given any time to give his situation some thought, since another bomb is sailing his way.

Unfortunately for him, he reacts reflexively, forming a sword and cutting the bomb perfectly in half. Which would be great if that wasn't still releasing the sticky solution inside. Fern stumbles backwards to try and avoid it but steps on his bad foot. He goes down, the solution from the cut bomb pinning him to the ground.]

[droptheious]

[Unlikely, at this point.

Varian watches Fern just...slice the heck out of the sticky bomb and basically own himself. He peers over the edge of the windowsill to watch Fern hit the dirt, surrounded by sticky pink goop. For a moment, at least, he doesn't fire off another bomb, instead folding his arms on the doorframe to lean out and look at his poor, downed boyfriend.]

Sorry, what were you saying? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me winning.

[laminae]

[Welp, this is happening.

Fern is just flailing, kind of like a feral animal that's gotten stuck in a sticky trap, which isn't that far off from what's happened. It's kind of embarrassing, honestly.]

This - this is only a setback! I can get outta this!

[His fingers might be shifting into claws to try and cut up the goop, even though that's only... making him get more stuck. Yup.]

[droptheious]

Uh-huh. Sure you can. I mean, you're doing a great job of it so far.

[He should probably go rescue the green dumbass, but Varian is a petty little shit and he's not going to let Fern win so easily. Still, he plucks a little salt-cellar out of his pocket with the white neutralising formula which would be Fern's salvation.]

I'm just gonna sit here with this until you admit defeat, okay? I'm sure you won't need it, you've obviously got this handled.

[laminae]

[He might be hissing a little in response to that sass. Just a tiny hiss. Because he's totally doing a great job here, he's fine, he's got this.]

I am not admitting defeat...! [In face, he's shooting out a vine from his arm towards Varian, to try and snatch the salt away from him. Take that! Strategy!]

[droptheious]

[You go ahead and hiss away, Fern, he knows when he's got you beat. Varian opens his hand as the vine snatches the salt cellar away, look at how easy that was. Varian lets out a theatrical gasp.]

Oh no. Oh dear. You've sure outfoxed me! There's egg on my face now.

[That's fine. Totally a non-suspicious way of saying that. It's the sound of someone who's definitely just lost a vital chemical component and not the sound of someone who pulled out a salt cellar of itching powder.

Nope. Definitely the first one. He's not sure if it would work on Fern or not, but it'll be fun to find out.]

[laminae]

[There's a tiny voice at the back of Fern's mind that is saying maybe he should have second thoughts about this plan, given how unsurprised Varian is. Like he expected this to happen, or something. But he's so worked up and angry and wanting to fight something and get out of the sticky trap that he ignores any and all common sense, yanking the salt cellar away and just dumping all of it on himself.

Bad idea. Nothing happens for several seconds, the goop doesn't dissolve, and Fern briefly thinks this must be just normal table salt. And then the itching starts.

Fern doesn't have skin, so the feeling is a bit different than what a human would feel. But he still feels it, oh boy, does he feel it. Instead of spots on skin that need to get scratched he's feeling a thousand little spots on individual blades of grass. It's super fun, and he's going to start struggling frantically.]

Dude, what was that junk?!

[droptheious]

[Wow.

He just tipped the entire damn thing on himself, didn't he? Go big or go home, he guesses. He leans on the window frame again, watching Fern struggle. Huh, so it does affect grass. Good to know. He's just going to file that away in the back of his mind. Just in case. ]

Itching powder. It won't kill you. [Just in case Fern feels he'd actually do something that would kill him. You know, just... making sure Fern knows that. ] I knew you'd make a grab for it. I didn't think you'd use the entire thing on yourself, but I probably should have seen that coming.

[He's just gonna... let Fern struggle for a bit there.]

Do you give up yet? Or are you just gonna lay there, stuck to the ground, itchy?