( Half of Peter feels some weird rush of relief by the assured way Varian says it. 'He's wrong.' And then, immediately after, the other half comes in: the one that feels a deep ache. He thought the same for so long. That this was his body, and it gave him something to hope towards, even if... quietly. That the end goal should be getting rid of the demon, that his body, his autonomy was something to try and recover.
But time has passed, and Peter's realising that with it, his thought-process has slowly shifted. There are still people trying to help him with this, but it's become.... painfully clear that permanently removing the demon probably can never happen. It's become painfully clear that there are rules that he's going to have to follow, regarding Paimon. This thing is.... so much more than anything Peter's ever known. Something impossibly ancient, with rules that are just as ancient, and they must be followed, or... or else people will get hurt, and if he tries to go against Paimon, his mind could get.. fucking fried or something. He's already so bad off mentally. Some days it really... scares him. He doesn't want to risk getting worse. (Getting like Grandma had, or Mom, or his Uncle, the one who killed himself.)
It's a strange type of acceptance; he doesn't want it. It's... sad. It makes him feel very sad: the losses of himself. But it's not something Peter will fight against.
So he just gives a sad little smile in response to Varian's question, shoulders slumping forwards a little. But after a moment he's slowly looking back up at the younger teen, listening to what he says about mistakes made and how that's what you'll always be remembered for, and it doesn't matter what else you do, because you made the mistake..... Charlie's death shudders in his chest like a second heartbeat, and Peter gives a soft little sound. Nods. Varian understands. He'd done something awful too, and he gets it. It... helps, that someone gets it.
'You've gotta focus on how to make it right.' Figure out how to make sure it never happens again. Peter's nodding again, unable to speak for a little bit; his throat still has that persistent lump in it. Luna doesn't blame him for it, he knows that. Luna's never blamed him, for any of it. But he..... can try to make sure it doesn't happen again. )
Thanks, Varian. I will. I'll try to make it right. ( Peter finds his voice again and sniffles quietly, tries to clear his throat. ) I'm... I'm sorry you know what it's like. Um... making some mistake, and people can't ever look at you without seeing that mistake? It's.... hard. Feeling like you're some.... monster.
( He'd seen it in his mother's face. She could never look at him again without seeing her daughter's death, and she could never forgive him for it. )
cw: mention of familial suicide, themes of mental illness and autonomy loss, just a real fun time
But time has passed, and Peter's realising that with it, his thought-process has slowly shifted. There are still people trying to help him with this, but it's become.... painfully clear that permanently removing the demon probably can never happen. It's become painfully clear that there are rules that he's going to have to follow, regarding Paimon. This thing is.... so much more than anything Peter's ever known. Something impossibly ancient, with rules that are just as ancient, and they must be followed, or... or else people will get hurt, and if he tries to go against Paimon, his mind could get.. fucking fried or something. He's already so bad off mentally. Some days it really... scares him. He doesn't want to risk getting worse. (Getting like Grandma had, or Mom, or his Uncle, the one who killed himself.)
It's a strange type of acceptance; he doesn't want it. It's... sad. It makes him feel very sad: the losses of himself. But it's not something Peter will fight against.
So he just gives a sad little smile in response to Varian's question, shoulders slumping forwards a little. But after a moment he's slowly looking back up at the younger teen, listening to what he says about mistakes made and how that's what you'll always be remembered for, and it doesn't matter what else you do, because you made the mistake..... Charlie's death shudders in his chest like a second heartbeat, and Peter gives a soft little sound. Nods. Varian understands. He'd done something awful too, and he gets it. It... helps, that someone gets it.
'You've gotta focus on how to make it right.' Figure out how to make sure it never happens again. Peter's nodding again, unable to speak for a little bit; his throat still has that persistent lump in it. Luna doesn't blame him for it, he knows that. Luna's never blamed him, for any of it. But he..... can try to make sure it doesn't happen again. )
Thanks, Varian. I will. I'll try to make it right. ( Peter finds his voice again and sniffles quietly, tries to clear his throat. ) I'm... I'm sorry you know what it's like. Um... making some mistake, and people can't ever look at you without seeing that mistake? It's.... hard. Feeling like you're some.... monster.
( He'd seen it in his mother's face. She could never look at him again without seeing her daughter's death, and she could never forgive him for it. )