droptheious | Deerlybeloved

Deerlybeloved

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Deerlybeloved: Trienemybest
Varian / 17 / M / Bi

Who couldn't love a tiny feral alchemist with a dark past? Sure, he's a little rough around the edges, but he will think you shine like a carbon allotrope. He will stick to you like cyanoacrylate and you'll feel the electricity flowing between you like a galvanic cell. Be the acid to his litmus paper and turn him bright red when he finds you more attractive than francium. He must be made of copper and tellurium because he's a CuTe.

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[Varian hates he sunk that low. That he was desperate and stupid enough to trust Andrew. That he could make things right in such an underhanded manner.]

No. She came home and we captured her in the dungeon. The people I aligned myself with told me they were going to destroy the city. Kill everyone.

[And it was a line he couldn't cross. He could have, once, but he'd healed enough that it wasn't an option any more. He didn't want to be a murderer any more. He only wanted to make things right. ]

I refused to do that I- I couldn't go that far. So I turned on them, and they locked me in there with her. We got out and I managed to help save the kingdom. [As always, he skips the part where he offered to die to atone for his mistakes. He's not sure he'll ever be ready to talk about that.] I've been trying to do good since then. Make up for it all.

[Okay, when Varian goes hard, he goes hard. Fern makes a mental note about that, that he's apparently a lot more than a noodle-y nerd he can't remember.

At... least he found a line he wouldn't cross? That's more than he can say about himself, which makes him shift uncomfortably.]

I get why we're friends, now.

[They're both monsters. He figures he doesn't need to say that out loud.]

[Varian feels hollow and weird after recounting that story. Like something has scooped all his pain out and put it back in wrong. Everything feels too close to the surface again, it's uncomfortable. It feels raw.]

We're more than that.

[He stills, clears his throat. He didn't really mean for it to come out like that, but he knows better than to let that linger.]

I mean. We're best friends. I... even if you don't remember right now, that's still the case for me. You're the best friend I've ever had. But ...yeah, that's why. We probably understand each other better than most.

[That would be a heck of a thing to linger on, and even though Varian doesn't that's enough to make Fern glance over, a little confused.

Best friends. Well, okay. They're a lot closer than he realized, and the fact that he didn't even suspect this, or have any residual emotions that could've given him a hint makes him feel worse.

He sighs, guilt overtaking his expression, and looks back down at his hands.]

I don't remember anything. Sorry, I - I wish I did. But I don't.

[Varian may as well be a total stranger to him.]

Feels like I'm letting you down.

[Varian heaves out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. He doesn't have an easy answer to any of this, he wishes he could make things easier for Fern, he wishes he could disguise his own hurt a lot easier- but he can't. It's bubbling to the surface and he's too worn down to hide it any more.]

You're not letting me down, Fern. It's just... Deerington. It's not your fault you don't remember. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel bad about it.

[Fern doesn't believe that at all. He feels like a huge disappointment, a letdown of a best friend. It's his fault and he should feel bad. He doesn't look up.]

I get that you're not. And you've been really patient with me being a lunkhead.

[Fern's time to sigh, as he scrubs his hands over his face.]

I'm not doing enough. I need to try harder, I should be trying harder to remember you and everyone else.

You're not a lunkhead, either. You don't have any control over what this town does to you. I don't blame you.

[Himself, though, oh he blames himself plenty.]

Fern, you can't force it. It'll... it's just how death works. It'll come back when it's ready.

[That's fine, Varian doesn't have to blame him. He's doing a bang up job blaming himself without any help.]

What if it doesn't? What if my memories are just gone forever?

[Varian hates to admit it, that's... a possibility. He mulls it over. When he speaks, there's a little more resolve in his voice.]

Then we'll just make new ones.

[Starting from scratch is heartbreaking, but not as much as it would be to lose Fern forever. ]

[It's heartwarming that Varian is suggesting this, but he has to know that it's also a daunting (downright terrifying) prospect. Right?

Fern tries to look encouraged, he really does, but he's a pessimist at heart.]

What if it's not the same? What if things aren't the same?

[What if they're worse?]

Well, if you don't get your memories back, it won't be exactly the same. That's impossible. We can't re-create everything that's happened here perfectly.

[Some things will be lost forever, only remembered by one of them. And though that hurts...]

But that's okay. I can live with that. [He offers a small smile, trying to be encouraging.] You're worth giving it a try.

[Fern is pretty sure that most people wouldn't want to put that much effort into him. They'd walk away, and he gets why they wouldn't.

That Varian wouldn't do that is... wow, he isn't sure what it is, but it's a lot. He's shocked, and touched, honestly.]

Geez. You're incredible, dude.

[He doesn't deserve him as a friend.]

I hope I've been as good a friend to you as you are to me.

[Fern will always be worth it to Varian- unhesitatingly so. He can't keep the blush from his cheeks when Fern calls him incredible- trying to ignore the little flippy-flop his heart does at hearing that. He clears his throat, looking down, rubbing the back of his neck.

Cool. Coool.]

Yeah, you have. You're the best friend I've ever had. I don't think I could cope in this place without you.

[Which... probably makes the memory thing worse, but it's still better than Fern being gone forever.]

[Self-loathing is a real killer, and it makes it difficult for Fern to fully believe Varian when he says he's been that good of a friend. He knows full well how awful he can be, so this is a bizarre mental image to wrap his head around. Really, what's convincing him is that blush. That's... certainly something. He might not objectively be a good friend, but that's making it clear Varian thinks he is.

Oh boy. He's quickly getting embarrassed, not sure how to deal with this.]

Uh, that's - cool. [Yeah, he's got this. He's starting to fidget with his hands as he talk.] I didn't think I could be that good of a friend to someone, so... cool. Glad we can be there for each other here. Better than trying to get through this whole mess alone.

Yup, it's cool. The coolest.

[He was descending into an awkward, embarrassed feedback loop, but what Fern says is enough to pull him out of it. He looks up, then gives a soft little (nerdy) snort-laugh.]

Oh, wow, okay, I'm a lot of things but I'm pretty sure cool isn't one of them. But yeah, we've always got each other, no matter what, I promise.

...

Okay, you won't remember right now but promises are a big deal to me. I don't make them lightly.

[Fern manages a (slightly nervous) smile. The utter dorkiness of Varian's laugh is something of a tension reliever. He's pretty sure he has a lot to think about, but right now it's just nice having a friend this close around. He never had one like Varian back home, and that is cool.]

Trust me, I believe you. [Especially if his assumptions about Varian's feelings are right.] I might not know you so well anymore, but you're a good guy. We're... friends. Best friends. And I'm not gonna second guess my best friend.

[Varian's not so convinced on that good guy thing, but he is trying to be better, and Fern knows his sorry story for himself (again) to make that judgement call. He'll trust in it.]

Okay. Um. Good. Glad you think so. Cool.

[Great, they can trust each other instead of trusting themselves. That seems a lot more manageable, in Fern's opinion.]

Yeah. Cool.

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