droptheious | Deerlybeloved

[Fern moves over to the bed, taking a seat at the very edge. He doesn't feel particularly comfortable sitting more casually.]

You have?

[Ah, of course. Of course Varian would have told him already and he can't even remember. One tiny thing, and he can't even do it. Fern shifts awkwardly, subtly trying to scoot down the bed a bit to put more distance between them.]

... Sorry.

[Varian takes note of the distance and frowns. Things occasionally serve into the awkward with them, but Fern's never purposefully put this much distance between them before. His gaze drops to the bedsheets, plucking at them idly. ]

It's... well, it's not fine, but it's not your fault. It's just this place.

[But he still feels to blame for this. It was his meddling that got Fern into this state in the first place. He'd give anything to bring his best friend back.

Little does he know he already has. ]

Okay. Um. So I come from this Kingdom called Corona. There was a lot of magical happenings going on and the princess of the Kingdom has magical hair. There were these rocks which were destroying the land- they were connected to her, seeking her out. We were supposed to work out a way to fix the problem together.

[Fern doesn't argue, though he doesn't necessarily agree. Whatever caused all of this probably was his fault, because it usually is, and even he can tell that it's hurting someone who is supposed to be his friend.

He isn't sure how to fix it, so he just stays silent and listens. It all sounds like something that could have easily happened in Ooo, so he just nods, taking it all at face value.]

And... you didn't?

[Given Varian's tone it doesn't sound like there was a happy ending.]

[He takes Fern's lack of arguing as a good sign, like an idiot. There's a small shake of his head. ]

No. The rocks were destroying my village- my dad told me to leave them alone too- even lied to the king about how bad things were, but I couldn't stand by and watch my people suffer. So I ran experiments on them. [He realises, suddenly, that Fern is lost here. It's... not like he knows anything about him, unlike the last time he told this story.] I'm an alchemist. I made a potion to use on them, but they reacted in a bad way- made this indestructible crystal.

[He hugs his arms around himself a little. Even now, nearly 2 years on the memory hurts.]

Dad- dad got trapped in it. It was encasing him. So I ran to the princess for help. She couldn't though. The kingdom was being ravaged by a magical blizzard and she couldn't leave to help me.

[Fern is indeed a bit lost. His first reaction is that that would be something Bubblegum would do, not leave something that's potentially dangerous to her people alone and experiment on it to find a solution. Because of that it sounds totally reasonable to him, so it's a shock to hear that things go south.

And oh boy, do they ever go south. A bad reaction is one thing, but indestructible crystal? That's nuts. And his dad getting trapped in it, that's downright traumatizing. He can only imagine how awful that must have felt, screwing up that badly, and hurting his father, of all people. It hits several personal nerves.]

Dude, that's horrible. [All of it, his father getting trapped, the screw-up, being let down by the princess. Fern looks incredibly empathetic, and even shifts a tiny bit closer.] What did you do?

[Varian's quiet for a moment, staring at the pattern on his bedsheets. He didn't expect he'd have to be reopening this old wound- much less to someone he's already reopened it for already. He already has a good idea of how Fern will react because of this- but it doesn't mean he finds it easy. Far from it.]

I found a way I might be able to help my dad. It means I had to drug the palace guards with truth serum and con the princess into treason to help me gather what I needed. The thing didn't work, I realised the princess was the only one with the magic to free my father.

[She didn't- not then, but he didn't know.]

So I kidnapped her mother to lure her to my village. Used Ruddiger to attack people as a distraction while I did it- turned him into a monster. When the princess and her people came for the queen, I attacked them with automotons.

[This story just keeps getting worse and worse, and the entire time Fern can understand exactly how Varian must have felt. Trying to do the right thing only to screw up, feeling desperate enough to hurt people in order to do what he thought was right... it's all very familiar.

He's guessing he must have felt this way the first time he heard the story, but it feels fresh. New. Raw.

He finds himself slouching as he listens, looking down at his hands.]

Did you win?

[He knows that's a terrible thing to ask, but... he at least wants to hope he was able to save his dad. He knows what it's like to lose a father, and he wouldn't wish that on someone who considers him a friend.]

No.

[His tone is flat, the pain behind it palpable. He thought he could just charge through this and retell it without much trouble, but he was so very, very clearly wrong.]

I threatened the queen with the same compound that encased my father. Forced the princess to help me or let her mother face the same fate. When- when that didn't work, I just... I just lost it.

I tried to kill the queen and the princess' best friend. She found a way to use th rocks to defeat me and I was captured and put in jail. I was there for about a year until I broke out with my cellmate and took over the kingdom.

[He could have made good there, but he didn't. He fell for Andrew's charms and promises hook, line and sinker. ]

The princess and her friends were away on a quest. I wiped the king and queens minds and helped this group of people take over. I wanted to erase everyone's memories. So no one would remember what I did.

[Oh, good. It gets worse. It gets so much worse.

And it sounds like something he would do. Something he's done, with his breakdown over Finn and his failure of a plan to trap him. When that didn't work out he resorted to trying to kill him, and how that didn't work out, either. He understands what Varian must have felt afterwards, low and desperate enough to resort to wiping everyone's memories to make them forget it all.

Even if he knows he should be saying that's bad and wrong, he doesn't. He just shifts a little.]

Did it work?

[Because as terrible as that would be, it also would have solved some of Varian's problems.]

[Varian hates he sunk that low. That he was desperate and stupid enough to trust Andrew. That he could make things right in such an underhanded manner.]

No. She came home and we captured her in the dungeon. The people I aligned myself with told me they were going to destroy the city. Kill everyone.

[And it was a line he couldn't cross. He could have, once, but he'd healed enough that it wasn't an option any more. He didn't want to be a murderer any more. He only wanted to make things right. ]

I refused to do that I- I couldn't go that far. So I turned on them, and they locked me in there with her. We got out and I managed to help save the kingdom. [As always, he skips the part where he offered to die to atone for his mistakes. He's not sure he'll ever be ready to talk about that.] I've been trying to do good since then. Make up for it all.

[Okay, when Varian goes hard, he goes hard. Fern makes a mental note about that, that he's apparently a lot more than a noodle-y nerd he can't remember.

At... least he found a line he wouldn't cross? That's more than he can say about himself, which makes him shift uncomfortably.]

I get why we're friends, now.

[They're both monsters. He figures he doesn't need to say that out loud.]

[Varian feels hollow and weird after recounting that story. Like something has scooped all his pain out and put it back in wrong. Everything feels too close to the surface again, it's uncomfortable. It feels raw.]

We're more than that.

[He stills, clears his throat. He didn't really mean for it to come out like that, but he knows better than to let that linger.]

I mean. We're best friends. I... even if you don't remember right now, that's still the case for me. You're the best friend I've ever had. But ...yeah, that's why. We probably understand each other better than most.

[That would be a heck of a thing to linger on, and even though Varian doesn't that's enough to make Fern glance over, a little confused.

Best friends. Well, okay. They're a lot closer than he realized, and the fact that he didn't even suspect this, or have any residual emotions that could've given him a hint makes him feel worse.

He sighs, guilt overtaking his expression, and looks back down at his hands.]

I don't remember anything. Sorry, I - I wish I did. But I don't.

[Varian may as well be a total stranger to him.]

Feels like I'm letting you down.

[Varian heaves out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. He doesn't have an easy answer to any of this, he wishes he could make things easier for Fern, he wishes he could disguise his own hurt a lot easier- but he can't. It's bubbling to the surface and he's too worn down to hide it any more.]

You're not letting me down, Fern. It's just... Deerington. It's not your fault you don't remember. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel bad about it.

[Fern doesn't believe that at all. He feels like a huge disappointment, a letdown of a best friend. It's his fault and he should feel bad. He doesn't look up.]

I get that you're not. And you've been really patient with me being a lunkhead.

[Fern's time to sigh, as he scrubs his hands over his face.]

I'm not doing enough. I need to try harder, I should be trying harder to remember you and everyone else.

You're not a lunkhead, either. You don't have any control over what this town does to you. I don't blame you.

[Himself, though, oh he blames himself plenty.]

Fern, you can't force it. It'll... it's just how death works. It'll come back when it's ready.

[That's fine, Varian doesn't have to blame him. He's doing a bang up job blaming himself without any help.]

What if it doesn't? What if my memories are just gone forever?

[Varian hates to admit it, that's... a possibility. He mulls it over. When he speaks, there's a little more resolve in his voice.]

Then we'll just make new ones.

[Starting from scratch is heartbreaking, but not as much as it would be to lose Fern forever. ]

[It's heartwarming that Varian is suggesting this, but he has to know that it's also a daunting (downright terrifying) prospect. Right?

Fern tries to look encouraged, he really does, but he's a pessimist at heart.]

What if it's not the same? What if things aren't the same?

[What if they're worse?]

Well, if you don't get your memories back, it won't be exactly the same. That's impossible. We can't re-create everything that's happened here perfectly.

[Some things will be lost forever, only remembered by one of them. And though that hurts...]

But that's okay. I can live with that. [He offers a small smile, trying to be encouraging.] You're worth giving it a try.

[Fern is pretty sure that most people wouldn't want to put that much effort into him. They'd walk away, and he gets why they wouldn't.

That Varian wouldn't do that is... wow, he isn't sure what it is, but it's a lot. He's shocked, and touched, honestly.]

Geez. You're incredible, dude.

[He doesn't deserve him as a friend.]

I hope I've been as good a friend to you as you are to me.

[Fern will always be worth it to Varian- unhesitatingly so. He can't keep the blush from his cheeks when Fern calls him incredible- trying to ignore the little flippy-flop his heart does at hearing that. He clears his throat, looking down, rubbing the back of his neck.

Cool. Coool.]

Yeah, you have. You're the best friend I've ever had. I don't think I could cope in this place without you.

[Which... probably makes the memory thing worse, but it's still better than Fern being gone forever.]

[Self-loathing is a real killer, and it makes it difficult for Fern to fully believe Varian when he says he's been that good of a friend. He knows full well how awful he can be, so this is a bizarre mental image to wrap his head around. Really, what's convincing him is that blush. That's... certainly something. He might not objectively be a good friend, but that's making it clear Varian thinks he is.

Oh boy. He's quickly getting embarrassed, not sure how to deal with this.]

Uh, that's - cool. [Yeah, he's got this. He's starting to fidget with his hands as he talk.] I didn't think I could be that good of a friend to someone, so... cool. Glad we can be there for each other here. Better than trying to get through this whole mess alone.

Yup, it's cool. The coolest.

[He was descending into an awkward, embarrassed feedback loop, but what Fern says is enough to pull him out of it. He looks up, then gives a soft little (nerdy) snort-laugh.]

Oh, wow, okay, I'm a lot of things but I'm pretty sure cool isn't one of them. But yeah, we've always got each other, no matter what, I promise.

...

Okay, you won't remember right now but promises are a big deal to me. I don't make them lightly.

[Fern manages a (slightly nervous) smile. The utter dorkiness of Varian's laugh is something of a tension reliever. He's pretty sure he has a lot to think about, but right now it's just nice having a friend this close around. He never had one like Varian back home, and that is cool.]

Trust me, I believe you. [Especially if his assumptions about Varian's feelings are right.] I might not know you so well anymore, but you're a good guy. We're... friends. Best friends. And I'm not gonna second guess my best friend.

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droptheious - 2020-10-28 23:21 (UTC) - Expand

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laminae - 2020-10-29 21:58 (UTC) - Expand