[The anger Varian has been working on keeping a lid on since... god; since Fern first stopped talking to him finally starts to surface. He's got a short fuse at the best of times, but he's been trying to keep a level head throughout all of this. Because nothing ever good happens when he loses his temper. But Varian is far from infallible. Even he has a tipping point. He's frankly amazed he's got this far. ]
I'm not trying to humiliate you! I'm trying to help you because you've been hurt. Because, hey, guess what, I still care about your wellbeing. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with this idea of yours that I don't- but it's the truth and you're just going to have to live with that.
[He hates this. He hates this so much. He's worked so goddamn hard on being a better person. On being a better friend, and it's still not enough. There's always somewhere he fails at- where he's not good enough. He's so damn tired of falling short of people's expectations of him. When will he be enough? Just... him?]
Look, I'm sorry that this didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. I- I can't just force feelings out of the blue like that. I didn't say it as some sort of attack on you. I mean, hell, you literally dropped that on me right after I told you I was dating Ruby. Like "surprise, here's some other stuff to mess with your head too, enjoy!".
[And he knows how Fern will react to this. He knows. He's lived in the self-loathing Fern does- most of him STILL lives in that mess. He's been slowly getting better, but he's nowhere near good yet. Not even close. ]
And this isn't me saying that you're a bad person or- or that you're not good enough or anything else you want to throw at me. I didn't even realise this was a thing until just now. I have a whole lot of stuff I need to process that I didn't even realise about myself and I could honestly live without being made to feel like the worst person ever because I don't know how to handle it yet.
[At some point, he realises he's been pacing and stops, folding his arms and heaving out a sigh. This is why he spends his time with adults back home. Other teenagers are complicated - he can bearly handle his own mess, let alone other people's. The anger at least fizzles out of him- gone as quickly as it came.]
You know what, fine. Hate me, ignore me, do... whatever you like. I'm sorry I'm not ready to... to deal with any of this right now. Girls, boys, both, I don't know. But will you at least for the love of god let me help you with your arm instead of letting yourself stand here injured in the woods? Because I will not be able to go through you dying again.
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I'm not trying to humiliate you! I'm trying to help you because you've been hurt. Because, hey, guess what, I still care about your wellbeing. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with this idea of yours that I don't- but it's the truth and you're just going to have to live with that.
[He hates this. He hates this so much. He's worked so goddamn hard on being a better person. On being a better friend, and it's still not enough. There's always somewhere he fails at- where he's not good enough. He's so damn tired of falling short of people's expectations of him. When will he be enough? Just... him?]
Look, I'm sorry that this didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. I- I can't just force feelings out of the blue like that. I didn't say it as some sort of attack on you. I mean, hell, you literally dropped that on me right after I told you I was dating Ruby. Like "surprise, here's some other stuff to mess with your head too, enjoy!".
[And he knows how Fern will react to this. He knows. He's lived in the self-loathing Fern does- most of him STILL lives in that mess. He's been slowly getting better, but he's nowhere near good yet. Not even close. ]
And this isn't me saying that you're a bad person or- or that you're not good enough or anything else you want to throw at me. I didn't even realise this was a thing until just now. I have a whole lot of stuff I need to process that I didn't even realise about myself and I could honestly live without being made to feel like the worst person ever because I don't know how to handle it yet.
[At some point, he realises he's been pacing and stops, folding his arms and heaving out a sigh. This is why he spends his time with adults back home. Other teenagers are complicated - he can bearly handle his own mess, let alone other people's. The anger at least fizzles out of him- gone as quickly as it came.]
You know what, fine. Hate me, ignore me, do... whatever you like. I'm sorry I'm not ready to... to deal with any of this right now. Girls, boys, both, I don't know. But will you at least for the love of god let me help you with your arm instead of letting yourself stand here injured in the woods? Because I will not be able to go through you dying again.